MARIEL

14~ Guilt ~

When Hawk was born, Esther had been less than pleased. She had been the angriest little girl, and she remembered trying to lock herself in her room by throwing Legos all over the floor. Her dad had stepped on them once, had cursed, and she had decided that that was how she would keep her parents away from her. Unfortunately for Esther, they had simply taken away all of her Legos after warning her multiple times about keeping them on the floor. After bitterly re-evaluating her life as an older sister, she had decided it was not worth the misery to keep fighting her parents on this and so she decided she would try to like him.

Eventually, she grew to love him, and she begged her mom to let her help care for him. Mary, who had been concerned about the safety and well-being of Hawk with his sister, was thrilled. Esther watched him grow with love and pride and, as she grew older, realized in herself just how much she wanted a child one day.

Not this year, though, and definitely not Gabe's. As she stood outside the ICU room and waited for her parents to exit, she remembered with disgust the events of the night before. It reminded her that Gabe had not worn protection, and for all she knew his disgusting little brat could be cooking in her womb. As it had earlier in the day, self-hatred and shame overwhelmed her and she leaned her head against the wall. She closed her eyes.

Esther thought about Mariel, how close they had just been, how much she had hoped he would lean in just a couple inches more. Instead, he had stepped away from her, and almost immediately she had felt as if he had known.

Known about how she and Gabe had -

- fucked-

- done something disgusting and regretful the night before.

Quietly, she covered her mouth, as if she could hide the DNA of Gabe's kisses. Esther considered how she had left Mariel sitting in the room with the jacket she had thrown on his head, and realized that she had not been angry because he 'needed to stop feeling sorry for himself'. She was upset because he would not budge with her... he would not give her the signs that she wanted to know that he might care for her in return.

Now, in an overwhelming wave of emotion, she felt deeper guilt. Not only did she feel guilt for what she had done last night, but Esther felt guilt that the leading concern in her mind was how she felt about Mariel; that her brother came second in her mind.

"Fuck," she whispered. Thinking about it in more depth now, she definitely loved her brother. Obviously. But there had always been the slight aversion to him after he had found his voice and his own mindset. Why?

He was... off. Weird. Not normal? She could never figure out what words described him best, and she knew it was because he was considered a genius by everyone including his parents. Perhaps it was because he was a genius and she was not. Regardless, once he began to speak and form his own thoughts, he had distanced himself from her and if she would cause harm to his reputation. Esther found that laughable, mainly because she had the reputation to be guarded... not a little science geek who could never speak without sounding self-righteous and pompous. Nevertheless, he was who he was and, eventually, she realized she did not feel as attached to him as she had when he was just a tiny boy who, at most, wanted to play and cuddle. Presently, he wanted to build computers and change the world through science...which ordinarily she supported but his desire seemed, to her, more that from a narcissist than a person with true, good-hearted, intentions.

When Todd and Mary exited the room, and she walked in, she realized that, at the moment, none of that mattered to him. Hawk Caravan lay motionless in the hospital bed, his arms wrapped and rested on pillows at his sides, his legs wrapped from multiple fractures as well. Another pillow rested in the center of his chest. The IV next to his bed dripped continuously through the clear tube that lead into his hand, and she heard his soft, labored breathing.

Esther stood over him and rested her hand on the bed railing. He was too young to be in this position.

"Hey," she whispered. "You need to wake up. Don't you want to build those stupid computers?" She wiped her eyes. "I thought you were the all powerful Hawk Caravan. So prove it. You have too many unrealistic goals to just lay here all smashed and broken in a hospital bed. So... get your shit together and let's bounce." She leaned closer. "Okay?"

The machine beeped in response. Hours later, however, Hawk Caravan awoke from his deep sleep and, together, the Caravan family found out that he would never walk again.