MARIEL

7 The Writings of Fr. Jerome Continued

8/4/2015:

Mariel got Employee of the Month for July! So proud of him.

12/2/2015:

Looks like Kaemon Spears will continue to be the Mayor of Chicago. I have never been heavy into politics, but following his success as a young mayor of Chicago has been interesting. He has introduced a lot a good policies for the city of Chicago. He seems to be a solid character, which is probably best because Mariel told me the other day he would be President. Mariel was correct the last time he said Spears would win the election as Mayor.

I still don't understand my son. I have had him for close to 18 years and I still don't feel like I know him. Is that normal?

5/1/2016:

I am tired. I am also disappointed that I could never provide a more fulfilling life for Mariel. Priests don't get rich. Depressing journal entry, but I am feeling old and not feeling very worthy at the moment. I have to stop helping Mariel with college for a little bit because I mismanaged my money in my younger years and am paying the price for it now. I think Mariel has a sense of how I have been feeling because he keeps telling me that he will take care of me one day. I don't want him to think like that...mainly because I feel like my days are numbered. I am healthy, I have no health concerns at this point, but the reality is I am 71 years old. I won't live forever. No one will.

I need to write an entry less depressing. I'll talk the next time I have something positive to share.

9/23/2016:

Happy birthday to me! Mariel surprised me today by taking me to an apple orchard. We spent the day picking apples, drinking cider and eating donuts. Mariel ate 5. I don't know how he can keep as fit as he does with the amount he eats. I had the opportunity to spread the gospel as well today! We started talking to a couple with 4 adopted children and a fifth in process. What a great couple! They were looking for a church to attend as they are new to the area and I suggested my church. They had said they had been attending Protestant denominations and were looking for something different. I hope to see them this Sunday! I am 72, don't judge my excitement for the little things.

Time for bed. I am glad I could make a positive journal entry today. Good night, and God bless.

10/2/2016:

I found an old letter from Fr. Paul today. It brought me flashbacks to the day I talked to his sister and she told me about his crime in Russia. I still wonder to this day what led him to do such a thing. Part of me wants to dismiss him as a crazy person that had an amazing ability hiding his true self. The other part of me wants to give him credit and believe that he was trying to do a justified deed. It has been eating at me lately. I never wanted to contact him in the past years because I was afraid of what I might find out, but it is haunting me strongly lately. I may try to contact him. Definitely praying about it first. I never told Mariel that history...does that make me a horrible dad? Mariel has never asked me much about his past either. He genuinely doesn't seem curious. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe neither. Either way, Mariel seems very happy with his life despite the lack of financial stability in the past. He is doing very well in college. Still hasn't dated anyone and still appears to be all eyes for Esther. I asked him about this recently and told him that it wasn't healthy if she was the reason he wasn't dating. He tried to dismiss me in what I was saying until he finally broke and admitted he liked her but did not want to pursue a relationship due to 'personal issues'. I refrained from telling him that Todd and Mary Caravan probably would not approve of the relationship anyway, and merely nodded my head. I was, and am, a little hurt that he referred to his reasons as 'personal'. I guess I thought at this point in years he would feel more comfortable telling me certain things. He knows I am one of the least judgmental people in his life, which is surprising to some people because I am a priest. I will let it rest though. He will tell me if and when he is ready.

Time for bed. Blessings.

10/16/2016:

Mariel purchased a car today. I had no idea he had saved up so much money. I feel bad, and I offered to help pay but he said he would be fine. It is an old Honda Accord. He is pretty excited about it. He asked if I wanted to go for a drive in the bed of the truck and I very much refused. I love that kid. I think I am going to deposit some money into his account without him knowing anyway.

12/1/2016

Today I felt guilty because I had a fleeting thought of regret that I had not pursued a relationship in my younger years. Then, I felt angry. Angry that I had not had the opportunity to love someone and marry him within the church before becoming a priest as the heterosexual clergy are allowed. I love my son so much, and I love serving the Lord and leading a flock within the Orthodox Church, but that loneliness has always existed. Now, it is not so much loneliness as it is wishful thinking and jealousy as I see couples my age that have been married for years upon years. I feel a little better now. I read through the Book of John and found comfort in the love that I know Jesus has for me. Good night. I am going to drink hot chocolate with Mariel and watch a movie. I need the time with my boy.

1/1/2017:

Happy birthday, Mariel. 19 years old. Goodness, time flies. Unfortunately, he received some sad news today. A friend he was attending college with was killed in useless gun violence. It hurts my heart. Kids so young have so much promise and instead are exposed to horrors they should never experience within communities that should be their safe haven called home. 1 Peter 3:9 says: Do not repay evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. I will speak on this next Sunday. That aside, we held a birthday celebration at the church today for him. Most of the congregation got him a card or stayed to celebrate with us. He was glowing. I could tell he appreciated the love. Happy New Year, and may it be a great 2017.