Felicidade

20. That night it snowed..

It is the first time that I'm in front of a guy alone in my room. Should I say it's an unusual happening? Yes, because he is the only guy who can make me numb even when he is not around.

Our eyes met for 5 seconds when he stepped out of his car. I moved from the window after that. I couldn't take the visual anymore. Diya opened the door and there was an awkward situation prevailing all over the house. One moment Diya was looking at my face and then the next moment at Jin's face. I was screaming inside...

"noooo...Diya... please don't go. I need you to stay beside me. Or may be I'll lose my mind."

Jin was wearing a black suit. His hair, messy as usual and snowflakes all over him. He was looking like an Icelandic Disney prince.

He greeted me, "Hi.. how're you?" with an awkward smile. I died on that smile.

I said, "ummm... okay...yeah.. I'm okay you know. Come inside. Please feel free to sit..."

And now here I am. Sitting in front of the only man that I've ever wanted to be mine with such thirst. Isn't it unusual?

"How are you feeling? Is your fever completely cured now? Your face looks swollen."

"Yes, kind of. I was on medication you know. It's usual to feel a little bit weak."

"Let me see"...he comes close to me and places his palm on my forehead.

What the hell....Noo... Don't come this close to me. I'll just faint...

The next moment I know I am leaning back to avoid his touch and he gives me a frowning look.

He grabs my shoulders and says, "Sit properly. I need to see whether you're really fine or not."

Mom!!!! This man here is Killing me and he is asking me whether I'm fine or not! I can't even look at his face. I can feel my temperature running high. I don't know whether it's the fever or my feelings running on fire.

"Ummm...your fever is not down. You're still sick. How come you were standing with your hand outside the window when it is snowing and cold outside?"

"I was fine. Trust me. I didn't have fever... I don't know what happened... I... I...." I mumble pathetically with my eyes lowering down at the ground.

"Ridhi. Look at me."

Ohhh God!! Save me. I want to kiss this man right now and claim him. But I don't know whether he is caring for me out of his sympathy or if he likes me.

I try to look at him. I really try hard. His blue eyes are glaring at me like the ocean glares at the sands on the beach. I want to get devoured by that ocean. Is it not ok if I show that?

I have always been a thoughtful person. Whatever I do I think about the consequences first. But...

I cup his face suddenly. I close my eyes. And bringing his face close to me I give a peck on his lips. The thing that I wanted to do the most. Just a peck. And the next moment I open my eyes and lean back again to get free from his grab.

He moves his hand away from my shoulder, looks at me with disbelief in his eyes and closes them again.

"Ridhi. Let's not do this. I know what you feel about me. But trust me. I don't want you to get involved in any kind of danger."

What? What the fuck? Is he rejecting me?

"Why? Why can't you be mine?" I sound desperate.

Jin looks away. Leans back on the chair, runs his fingers through his hair and sighs again.

"Because getting involved with me will bring you miseries. I Know you're a good person and I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

Wow! What an explanation! So cliche and I hate the fact that he is saying me this as the cause of his rejection.

I stay silent. I don't know what to do or say now to overcome this awkward situation.

"Ummmm.... I guess I should go now. Now that I've seen you I'm relieved that you're fine." Jin stands up.

"Kim Seokjin. I'm not fine. You...you have made my world revolve around you. My day starts from thinking about you and you're the one who don't let me sleep even at midnight. Do you really think I'm fine? Well, don't accept me. But don't stop me either from loving you or wanting you. My feelings are mine and you've no right to say that it's miserable to love you. I'll love you even if you don't want me to."

I say within a breath closing my eyes. I don't want to open my eyes now. I don't want to see his reaction.

Time passes like a thousand years. I feel cold as if it is snowing over me. I really want to run into his arms and cry out loud about how much I love him. I want to tell him that he is my home.

I open my eyes. Only to find that he is gone. I keep sitting on my bed like a statue with a blank mind.

That night it continues snowing heavily. Over my house, the road, the trees, my bed, over me and my existence. And I continue to wreathe in pain of the incomplete womanhood that he left me with.