40 Days of Grace

♠12-05-18♠

Journal,

Okay, my day was normal up until last period which was algebra. I think I might die. I have been so happy since I got out of school and for this reason and this reason only. OH MY GOD!

So, so, so, so, let me tell you, shut up. Wait no, you aren't real! Which means you can't talk! GETTING SIDE-TRACKED, FOCUS GRACE FOCUS!

Okay, okay, okay. So, in algebra, I sit in the very back corner on the left-hand side. Sterlyng (of course it's about Sterlyng who else would it be?) sits directly across the room from me, in the very top corner on the right-hand side. Today, I decided I wanted to sit on the radiator which is not even a foot from my desk. So, I am sitting on the radiator when the teacher asks one of the other kids in the room what was wrong. She said that she just needed a pencil cap eraser.

Natalie, who sits in front of Diana, raises her hand fast and yells, "I GOT'CHU!" and then the teacher says, "Yeah well I got her too." And so it's is silent in the room and I smile because it was funny (it was kinda one of those things where you had to be there), and I instinctively turned my head to look over at Sterlyng. That hot mocha of a male was smiling too, except he was looking at me too. And I started to stare at him and he did the same. So we sat there for like 10 to 15 seconds just staring at each other with huge grins on our faces. BUT THEN, MRS. FUCKING WHATEVER HER NAME IS, DECIDED TO START TALKING AGAIN AND WE BOTH LOOKED AT THE FUCKING BOARD INSTEAD OF... I DON'T EVEN KNOW! UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

And I mean, it's great and all to have that little hope that maybe he likes me back. That maybe he actually thinks that I am worth his fucking time. That maybe I'm not just whatever they say I am.

But then there is the reality that hits me hard every single goddamn time. That he. Doesn't. Like. Me. Back. And I doubt he ever will. After all, life isn't actually like the movies you watch or books that you read. Too many times now have I thought that maybe the perfect ending is actually out there for me.

But the girl doesn't always get the guy that she likes, that ending is for the girls with all of the name brands and wear more makeup than clothes. The girl who likes to sing doesn't always get out there, that ending is for the people who don't have stage fright. The girl who likes to write doesn't always become an author, that ending is for the people who can actually write a story. Those endings are not for the girl who does good in school just so she can grow up and hope to be successful somehow because she knows she won't ever become what she really aspires to be.

No, those are fairytale endings. And life is not a fairytale.

~Grace