40 Days of Grace

♠11-29-18♠

Journal,

I lied. No one really bombarded me today. Wanna know why? The video doesn't exist. They usually take a video of all of the acts but mine wasn't taken and I felt very pissed off. I thought I did really well and mine was one of two videos that weren't recorded. The other video was like a whole fucking band too. It's a good thing that their parents had recorded it. Kelsi recorded mine too because she has an iPhone X with at least a pretty good picture if not sound. I watched the video of me too, I think I sounded better up on the stage when it was just me.

I still can't help but to think about what Sterlyng will think. Will he think it was good? Will he think it was great" Will he watch it? Will he care? Will he think anything at all? I think I have gotten lovesick. Maybe I am pulling an Anna and falling in love at 13.

Can you even fall in love at 13? I think I have. But I can't tell Sterlyng that I at least like him like Annabelle told Duncan. Last year I tried to tell him that I liked him, by asking him to the Halloween Dance, and then he waited until the day of to say that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I wanted to tell him so many things. I wanted to tell him that no boy will ever cause my tears. That waiting that long made me hurt and nervous and scared. That I was a fucking weirdo and not who he thinks I am. Which is another problem.

People look at me and see a perfect smart kid that has a perfect family who lets her do things and gives her stuff and loves her. They might still see that emo girl that loved twenty one pilots and likes black and wants to turn 18 to get her first tattoos and piercings. They might even see that scary badass bitch with too much sass and combat boots and ripped jeans and her dad's aviator jacket from the Coast Guard. But I am not any of those! Maybe the last one is a little close but I don't want it to be another stereotype.

I am not a perfect smart kid. I don't study for tests and get good grades because I have a good memory and that's really it. I don't have a perfect family, in fact, we're more dysfunctional than we are loud and that is saying a lot. I am not allowed to do most things like sit in the movie theater with my friends but no adult, or even in a different section than my parents. And when I do go somewhere with my friends I have to tell my parents everything about what happened and where we went after we get back to her house and I have to call them. They do give me stuff though, I have to admit that, but without Sari that might not even be happening and I do doubt that they love me sometimes. Like if Gabe or Sanderson get a good grade on their test then we go out to have fucking dinner, yeah i'm overexaggerating but you get it. But if I tell them that I aced my Spanish and Science test on the same day without studying, they'll ground me for not studying. And yeah I get that I am supposed to study or whatever but now I can't go do anything until that 89 in Algebra is raised to a 90. And I am not allowed to go on my phone, one of the only things I allow myself to write on and think that people actually like it. Sometimes I think that they don't even pay attention to me. Like right now. They are eating and having dinner with each other and I am in my room writing in you, having still not eaten yet but just waiting for them to realize that I am not in there with them.

I am not the emo kid anymore. What even makes you the emo kid? Listening to good music that has an actual meaning? I think so, or maybe it's just wearing the color black in general. Probably both. And yeah I love TOP because they make me know that I am not alone in how I feel. I am waiting to get my first tattoo though, but a lot of people are. ANd it isn't going to be something stupid like most of the other girls at my school. I already know what I am getting and same with my piercings which are most in my ears anyway. I want to get a half rising sun, a reference to "truce" my TOP, a dog with 12-20-17 written above it, my old dog's death date, three wildflowers, a sign that even the prettiest things had to grow through dirt, and compass rose, because I will never be lost in life, and "I Love You" written in my father's handwriting. As for my piercings, as I said I want to get a lot more in my ears than everything else. I want to get my nose pierced and maybe my lip or tongue. I haven't decided that one yet.

But yeah, I have to admit, I am kind of scary and a bitch but I can't help it. A lot of people get on my nerves a don't understand that I will rip off their hands and finger themselves with it, because I will. And yeah I do have too much sass, and I do have a good style but I am sorry that I am this way. I am sorry that I can't change myself.

I am sorry Sterlyng for bot being able to change who I am to fit your standards of who a girl you like should be. My only question for you is why I keep finding you staring at me...?

~Grace