Just Another Girl To You

Twenty Five

I just have to accept the fact that he'd never be mine. However, there'd always be this part of me that longs, yearns, and hopes for him to be mine. That microscopic part in you that keeps the love burning, keeps it rejuvenated, despite all the pain and tears. That tiny little particle of hope is what keeps you going. Then the pain would just keep coming. It will keep trying to crush you, trying to crush that tiny part of you that eternally wishes.

Once that hope is crushed you'd move on. It won't be easy, but it would happen, little by little. The pain won't fade, but you'd be learning to live around it, to adjust to it.

When people "move on" from their boyfriends or girlfriends, it isn't real, they never actually loved them.

If you loved a person, there'd never be any sort of moving on. You'd always love, always wait.

And if you easily "move on" it isn't love, it's this thing called attraction.

Love is painful. Love hurts. Being happy in love is never possible. Loving means you're miserable, but you continue to care despite it. Love is felt, learnt, and strengthened through multiple heartbreaks, and tremendous pain.

You get stronger, yes, but it never meant that you won't feel the pain. Believe me, you do. It's just that you choose to go on despite the lashing pain, you get strong enough to hide it.

And what he said last night about how he doesn't want anyone else but Lei, Myca, or Maan? It hurts like hell, but I went with it.

That's what love is. It's a sacrifice, it's painful, and it's selfless. It's when you know they'd just mess up with other people, that they'd be better off with you, but you let them date and chase other people, because it'd make them "happy", because it's what they want. That's love.

I thought about all those things, I couldn't sleep anymore, it was just 2:30 a.m., I had to wait till 4:00 to get ready for school.

Thank God I had basketball later, it relieves me somehow, although I knew taekwondo would've been better-it gave me the reason and means to inflict physically the pain that sears me on the inside.

An hour or so later, I got up and trudged down the stairs, vaguely remembering that I fell asleep somehow.

Got ready, all the while being grumpy and irritable.

***

"You okay?" Leeroi asked when I entered the classroom.

"Yeah, are you okay?" Ron asked.

I just shook my head and smiled.

I set my bag down, and they immediately confronted me.

"Is it true? About Bunggo?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, it ended. Again. Last night." I said.

I recounted the whole story, venting about how frustrated I was with Jaz, about how he didn't have the courtesy to break it off in person.

"It's okay. You deserve better anyway." Leeroi said as he and Ron hugged me.

"No, I don't. I don't deserve anyone." I replied stubbornly.

"Shut up." Leeroi said, not unkindly.

"You know what's the worst part?" I said as they stopped hugging me.

"What?" They both queried.

"He expects me to be completely fine about it. To act like nothing happened. I mean, sure, it may be possible for you, but it's hard for me to just let go. I mean, I was completely honest about the whole thing, and I really do love him."