track and trace // calum hood

18 | Elizabeth

Girls night out was already in full swing as I was drinking my third cocktail of the night. Crystal dragged us to this fancy bar at the end of the bar street that night, our first night where none of the boys had come along.

"So, how does it feel being the only single one?" Crystal asked and I chuckled, turning the question around. "How does it feel being the only one engaged?" I said as my eyes went to her finger where she was showing off her beautiful diamond ring.

"Weird, to be honest. Mike and I have been together for so long, it doesn't feel any different," she said. "Except the wedding planning and that kinda stuff, you know. I found a beautiful dress, by the way," she said. "It's getting resized so it'll fit my body, but once it's done I'll make sure to send you guys pictures," she said excitedly.

Sierra chuckled. "Have you decided on a color for the bridesmaids yet?" she asked and Crystal nodded. "Lilac, I think that color describes me and Mike the best. Talking about bridesmaids -," she said before turning back around to me. "Will you be one of them?" she asked me and I raised my eyebrow.

"Me? I'd love to!" I answered and she clapped her hands, being overly excited. It reminded me of Michael, those two really did well together. "Awesome! Sierra is going to be one too and Bryanna is as well, along with some of my other girlfriends," she said before looking back at Sierra.

"How are you and Luke?" Crystal asked and I took another sip of my sex on the beach cocktail while looking at Sierra. "Great, actually! We're both busy but we got it working out pretty good and I'm kinda waiting for a proposal as well. We did talk about it a few months ago and I've been dropping hints ever since," she said and Crystal couldn't help but giggle. "Guess we just have to wait and see," she said.

I was happy for both of them, I really was. But I couldn't help but feel incredibly lonely. They had Michael and Luke, I had no one. Just me and my sad thoughts while Calum was out there being happy and moving on and living his life and coming back every now and again to fuck me 'cause no one else is around to help him release.

Moments like this I realized how incredibly stupid I was pining for someone who didn't even like me anymore. The only time he liked me was when I made him cum. Then he would leave me over and over again, just like the first time he left me.

I wonder if he left because he started to see me the same way I see myself. Probably. Or did he always see me that way and he decided he had enough?

But I told him. I fucking told him I wasn't worth it, and now he's gone and I'm stuck feeding an empty home with hollow eyes.

I told him that he'd leave, and I told him I'd forgive him too. I told him that after Mitchy almost kissed me and he had accidentally pushed me out of the way and I went back to Boston and he showed up. And it happened. He left and I forgave him, just to come back and fuck me (literally and figuratively) me up again.

Before the tour started, I was fine, because I didn't see Calum. Between the breakup and the start of the tour I've only seen him once a month, but now I saw him every day. Part of me hoped that he would come back to me, telling me that he still loved me and that it was me, it had always been me. But instead of a romantic movie, he decided to stab me in the heart and tell me that he moved on and didn't love me. I was too late.

I had to repeat it like a mantra every fucking day when I saw him. He doesn't love you anymore. He doesn't love you anymore. He doesn't love you anymore. That was the only way I could stay sain at this point.

I just kept kissing strangers hoping they will feel like he did.

"And how is your love life?" Sierra asked, pulling me back from my dark mind again. "Peachy," I answered sarcastically. Sierra chuckled. "So, Nick wasn't a keeper?" she asked, referring to the one night stand I had a week ago. "Nope," I said, popping the P like I did when Nick asked me something at the bar.

"Shame, bet it felt good to have sex for the first time in like seven months." Crystal said and Sierra nodded. "I don't get how you lasted seven months without getting laid! You go, girl!" she said and I got quite annoyed by them at this point. Was having sex such a big deal?

"It wasn't my first time in seven months, can you guys quit making a big deal?" I said and Crystal raised her eyebrow. "Woah - woah, what? What didn't you tell us?!" she said, holding on to the bar. "It's nothing," I said, shrugging it off but Sierra shook her head. "Tell us!" she said, pushing it a bit.

"Calum and I have been having sex for the past month or so," I said before looking away from the girls and staring at my drink. "Wait, what!?" Crystal said, her voice suddenly a few octaves higher.

"We're, uh, fuckbuddy's."

It was the first time I actually said it out loud to someone.

"What the fuck? When did this happen?" Sierra said. "We went to a club, the day after the first show of the tour," I started before sighing deeply. "Cal and I got drunk, we had sex in the bathroom and when I showed up the next day to talk about it he had, I don't know, offered it?" I explained, realizing how incredibly stupid that sounded.

I looked up to see the shocked faces of Crystal and Sierra. "We've been having sex ever since. But we have sex with other people as well - but when we're like, horny, and we can't find someone else we just.. do each other?"

Sierra's mouth was open wide and Crystal looked at me with an insane look in her eyes. "Please say something," I whispered.

"You're friends with benefits..with your ex? That's...special." Crystal said. "And?" Sierra said, seeing from the look on my face that I wasn't finished with my story yet. I took a deep breath. "He doesn't love me anymore," I said, stirring my drink a bit. Sierra nodded. "But you're still in love with him?" she asked and I nodded without looking at them.

"Yeah, I am. But he's moved on but I can't move on from him. I just love him so fucking much and he's out there fucking other girls and I know I'm fucking other boys as well but I just want to get rid of this feeling because I keep hoping that one day he's going to show up at my door again and tells me how much he missed me and wants me back but that's never going to happen because he doesn't fucking love me anymore." I rambled and tears formed into my eyes.

"And I know the first step of moving on his to quit sleeping with him but I can't, because if I do that I'll lose him forever. I don't want to lose him. Seeing him with other girls -" I continued to ramble until Crystal pulled me into a tight hug. "Shh, it's okay. It's okay," she said and I let out a deep sigh, wiping away the tears. "Sorry," I mumbled and she shook her head. "You have nothing to be sorry about," she said and I bit my lip. It felt good to actually say out loud how I felt.

"Does anyone else know?" Sierra asked as Crystal let me go. "Uh - Ash knows we had sex in the bathroom but I don't think he knows about the rest and Luke walked in on us today so I guess he knows," I told her and she nodded.

"You're hurting yourself, Liz," Sierra said. "I don't think sleeping with Calum is a solution for your problems, it will only hurt you because he doesn't feel the same way. But you know that right?" she asked and I nodded. "I know. I just - I just can't stop. It's hard to explain." I mumbled, taking a big sip from my cocktail. Alcohol wouldn't fix my problems either, but it was nice to the edge off.

How long, just how long can you keep loving someone who doesn't love you back? I just kept telling myself every night that maybe tomorrow my feelings would fade. Yet, I still wake up every morning to a heart yearning for Calum.

--------------------------------------

girls night out!!! yay!!! 

i feel like i dont say this enough but i love every single one of you and your comments make me laugh and i love responding to yall =)