track and trace // calum hood

28 | Calum

I had no idea what happened.

One minute everything was fine, the other minute everything I had was gone.

She was gone.

"Cal, are you okay?" Luke asked me as he handed me my bass. I took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah, I'm good." I lied, grabbing my bass. I lost her.

I didn't understand why, we were handling the whole friends with benefits thing pretty good. Did she find someone else? Someone better than me? Is it because I declined her booty call last night? Was I not good enough for her anymore?

She didn't even tell me. She told me it was over and walked away. Leaving me standing there. I had somehow managed to kick Josie or whatever her name was out of my room before I finally broke down.

I've gone through one pack of cigarettes in the past seven hours and I was probably risking my own voice for the show that started in five minutes. I wanted to stay in bed today, but I couldn't. Thousands of fans waited for me to walk on that stage, I couldn't let them down. This was my job and unfortunately, my job doesn't have sick days.

She was gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

"Okay, boys. Everyone ready?" Ashton said, clapping in his hands and grabbing two drumsticks. "Has anyone seen Liz today?" I asked and Ashton lowered his drumsticks. "No, she wasn't at the soundcheck," he said. "Did she go out last night?" Luke asked and Ashton shook his head.

"No, I was with her last night, she went back to her hotel room. She'll be here, she never misses a show," he said and Luke nodded.

Ashton was with her last night? What the hell did that mean? Is she sleeping with Ashton now?

My mind already wandered to the worst case scenario's, but I didn't have time to ask, because the lights went out and the fans went wild. Ashton was already taking his place behind his drums.

"Let this be a good one, Y'all," Luke said before we all ran upstage. The moment I took my place behind the microphone I already saw Liz walking in front of us with her camera. She was wearing her glasses, a sign that she was tired. She always needed them when she was tired. She used to hate her glasses so bad, thinking it would make her face ugly, but I thought it made her look adorable.

We had eye contact for only split second before I had to start playing the bass and she started to make her way to Michael's side. I was trying so hard not to think about her, to focus on the show, to give the fans what they had been waiting for, but that was hard when she was so close yet so far away from me.

The fact that I lost her, the one thing that I needed to stay sane, had broken me. I didn't know what to do without her. Every single fucking piece of me hurts, and maybe the universe didn't want us together, but I sure as hell did. But she didn't love me.

I tried my best to move on in the past seven months. But you see, you can't move on from someone when you still look for a piece of them in every person you meet. There are some days where I can completely be okay, but there are any other days which I will be sad and full of regret from what happened to us. It's okay. I know that it's not easy to move on. How do you move on from a relationship when you both love each other but apparently it's not enough?

She is just like a fucking cigarette. One that I'm unconditionally addicted to. One that I wish will never burn down to the filter. One that I should have never pulled out of that damn pack. One that is slowly killing me with each hit I take. And when it's done with me, it will only leave me craving for more when all I've got is an empty pack.

I thanked God for the existence of muscle memory, because the entire show was a blur and my head wasn't on stage, it was down there with her.

Halfway through the show, it was time for what we called 'the crying part', that started with my talking break which went surprisingly well for someone who felt like dying and then would start with Ghost of you, followed by lie to me.

The second ghost of you started I knew that I was officially fucked. The entire crowd had their phones up and their flash on, moving along with the rhythm of the song. I stared at her, she was focused on taking a picture of Luke, and I could just feel myself slipping.

Tears started to roll down my face and I immediately turned my back to the crowd. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I did my best to take a deep breath and wipe away the tears, but fans probably had seen it already before I had turned around. I wanted to run off stage, but I couldn't just do that. My hands were shaky and I knew that I just couldn't bring myself to that microphone again.

My teary eyes met Ashton's, who was still sitting behind the drums, staring at me. He immediately grabbed his microphone the second my verse started.

"Cleaning up today, found that old Zepplin shirt you wore when you ran away and no one could feel your hurt. We're too young, too dumb to know things like love, but I know better now, better now."

Ashton's angelic voice filled the venue, sounding even better than when I would sing it. I looked back at Ashton, who was still looking at me, I mouthed a quick thank you at him as I wiped away the tears and turned back around, preparing myself to be faced with Liz, but she wasn't in front of the stage anymore.

Another deep breath. I just had to hold on for a little while longer. If I survived this song, I was alright. Luke sang lie to me, so that would give me some time to get myself back again, and the others songs were less sad.

It was easier when Liz wasn't in front of us, and I hoped she didn't see me cry. But even if she didn't, it would be all over Twitter after the show. Fans filmed it, fans took photos of it.

I didn't even care at this point. I just wanted to finish this show and get the hell out of here.

She was everything to me, my best friend, my diary, my safe place. The person I could run to and suddenly the miserable day I had wouldn't matter because we'd be singing together so loudly that I couldn't even hear my thoughts.

The 3 am phone call when I couldn't sleep and my thoughts were filling my lungs like a flood traveling up into my throat, almost like I could vomit them straight back up again every time I tried to swallow and suppress them.

The continuous laughter from a joke 10 minutes ago that wasn't even mildly funny but we thought that it was hilarious. The smile across the room when something made me nervous and I'd look at her, she'd reassure me with that smile. The eye contact when someone asked if I was okay and I muttered I'm fine under my breath because she didn't need to ask and I didn't need to say. The sleepovers when that morning I didn't even want to leave my bed, the inside jokes that made me laugh when I didn't even want to smile, the plans for the future we made when I didn't even see one for myself. Because she felt like home, she was my best friend.

She was my happiness.

And now she was the reason I wasn't happy anymore.

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im sad