Collision || Luke Hemmings

letting go

The wind whipped my hair around my face- the blonde locks getting caught in my lip gloss no matter how hard I tried to stop it. I huffed in annoyance, giving up and letting my hair fly every which way as I continued down the sidewalk. I was almost home and all I wanted to do was sit down- my feet were killing me from the heels I had elected to wear the entire day. I couldn't wait to get them off, and- better yet, start myself a bath. I felt like I deserved one after the day I had endured at work.

When I had decided to move to England I didn't realize how cold it would actually be. I knew it was bound to be cold, but this I didn't realize we were in cold-miser territory.

"Allison? Is that you?" My roommate's voice echoed down the hallway as I slammed the door behind me- finally back in the warmth of my home.

"Yeah." I muttered, slipping those god awful shoes off my feet.

"How was work?" She yelled down the hall, my feet aching as they carried me towards the sound of her voice.

"Awful." I answered as I entered the kitchen, her back to me as she made something on the stove.

"Well, the kettle's on and I bought more tea bags so help yourself."

"Thanks, Sara."

"No problem. Also, Ashton's flight gets in later tonight and I wasn't sure if you wanted to come with me to pick him up?" She asked somewhat hesitantly, glancing at me slowly over her shoulder. It had been almost a year since we moved to England- Ashton coming to visit once a month- but they both continued to walk on eggshells around me. It didn't matter how many times I said I was fine, they acted like I was going to break at any moment.

"I think I'm just going to take a bath and then lay down, I'm super tired."

"Okay." She said softly, though I knew she wanted to say more. I was glad she refrained.

She didn't say anything else as I finished making myself some tea, adding just a dash of milk before shutting the fridge and disappearing upstairs. The floor creaked under my weight, reminding me that I needed to start going to the gym again. I had just recently started a new job interning at some music label. I actually really enjoyed the job, but it took up almost all of my time so I couldn't really do anything else. But I guess that was what I wanted- something to take up all of my time and keep my mind occupied enough so I couldn't think about it... about him.

It had been almost three years since the accident- since I lost my baby. After the accident Ashton had convinced me to go apologize to him.. tell the truth. I was set on doing it after Ashton talked some sense into me, but there was one major problem- by the time Ashton had convinced me to do it we couldn't find him. Ashton tried calling him but it would only go to voicemail, and we couldn't exactly leave the hospital.

He had ignored us for a solid week before finally telling Ashton that he was back home. Of course I broke down again, though I like to think that was mainly because all the hormones going wild in my body. I didn't get out of the hospital for another two weeks, all of the time he continued to ignore me. I tried telling myself that that was what I had wanted... that's the reason that I lied in the first place, I wanted him to leave. But knowing that he was gone had suddenly felt so wrong.

Within the next week my mum had helped me back up my stuff and had us on the next flight going home. Ashton had stayed back with Sara since she was still in the hospital, which I tried telling them I would wait but they pushed me to go. They told me that I had made him suffer long enough without knowing the truth and if he wouldn't answer my calls that I had to go to him. I convinced myself that they were right, but deep down I knew they were wrong.

By the time I got home and found him, I could tell he was at the bottom of his downward spiral. I had found him in his room, Lexi fast asleep on the side of the bed that I used to consider mine. He had screamed at me as soon as he registered that I was truly there, and I could tell he had been drinking. I tried to get him to calm down, but it didn't work. I had left, tears streaming down my face, and told myself that I would try again in the morning when maybe he would be sober.

He wasn't.

I had spent the next month trying to get him to talk to me, but he wouldn't have it. He even let Lexi answer his phone at one point to tell me to 'fuck off'. After that I stopped trying, and soon after Ashton and Sara finally came home. 

I told them what had happened, and when they tried to convince me to try again I refused. I had hurt him, and he had hurled himself into such a dark place because of me. I couldn't bring myself to hurt him anymore. I had pushed him far enough this time and everyone knew it.

A few months later I told my mum I wanted to leave again. She immediately told me no, not after what happened this last time. It took awhile but she agreed to let me go as long as I didn't go as far. I debated staying in Australia, but I knew if I did that then there would always be a voice in my head telling me to go back. I needed to restart my life- yet again- and let it stick this time.

When I had told Sara that I was leaving she threw a fit, telling me I couldn't run away from my problems. I argued, considering that it actually the one thing that I could do right. Running and hiding was what I was good at.

I wasn't entirely sure how or when it happened, but the next thing I knew she was looking at apartments with me. Within a few weeks we were packed and ready to leave. I tried to tell her to stay behind, that I would be fine on my own, but she didn't agree. She also said she had been offered her dream job in England and Ashton refused to let her pass that up.

So, here we were.

Jaime still called me every now and then, just to make sure I wasn't doing anything else to harm my health. I just wish he would understand that it wasn't my health I was worried about. All I ever seemed to do was hurt the people closest to me.

I very rarely allowed myself to think of him. Ashton was always careful not to speak of him, which I very much appreciated. I wanted to badly to know how he was doing, but I couldn't allow myself to ask. I needed to let it go... I needed to let him go. 

A/N SORRY THIS IS SO SHORT I JSUT WANTED TO GET SOMETHING UP HEHEHEHEHEHE enjoy and i promise the chapters will get longer, this is more of a prologue type thing just to get ya introduced as to what has transpired since the last book ended. -A