Amarillo

To Miss

You sat in a plastic chair, biting your nails. The air reeked of antiseptic and sick. The tv softly announced the latest scores on tonight's basketball game. But you weren't listening. You were too engulfed in your own nightmare.

The door to the waiting room swung open. You quickly wiped away your tears and looked over your new companions, hoping for a nurse. Instead, the rest of your boyfriend's band shuffled in. Murdoc looked a little ashamed, Noodle looked like she'd just finished crying, and Russel looked like he'd seen a ghost.

"So, uh, how's the ol' blue bird doin'?" Murdoc shifted his weight from foot to foot. The other two had taken seats next to you. But Murdoc looked beyond uncomfortable.

"I-I don't know. I haven't heard anything from the nurses," you dropped your gaze to your lap.

Your lover, 2D, laid in a hospital bed somewhere in this godforsaken building. He had been rushed to the hospital after you discovered him passed out in the bathroom. He'd OD'd on some opiates while you were out at the store.

"He was doing so much better cuz of you. I don't know how we missed it," Noodle said softly. Her voice was raspy and it shook.

"Missed what? You don't think he..." you sat straight up, panic lacing your voice.

"Oh god no! 2D would never do that. Especially because of you," Noodle looked over at you.

You creased your brow and fell back in your seat. You were confused. What had they missed? More importantly, what had you missed?

"See, uh, 'D had a bit of a problem," Russ begun, trying to explain the situation delicately, "Er has, I suppose."

"Oh for bloody hell, don't keep them in suspense Russ!" Murdoc rolled his eyes, "See, that ol' sod picked up a bad habit in the music industry. Drugs. Started out as painkillers due to his migraines, but let's just say it didn't stop there. I... I thought he kicked the habit..."

You crumbled. Your head swam with all kinds of poisonous thoughts. What if 2D died? What if he sustained permanent damage to his body? What if you'd done something to drive him further into addiction? What if he never got better?

"Why didn't you say h-how bad it was?" your tears overflowed and you started crying again. You couldn't believe no one would let you in on this. You didn't know how Stu didn't even trust you to know this. You could've helped. You could've done something. You could've... You could've done so much more than let him suffer alone.

"Now, now, don't look so sad," Murdoc placed a hand on your shoulder. He was being very uncharacteristically kind. "Addiction is no walk in the park. Neither of you did anything wrong."

Noodle nodded her head, and took your hand in hers, "He'll be okay. He'll go through rehab. He will get better. And we'll all be here to support him."

Tears welled up in your eyes. You knew they were trying to help, but you didn't want to think about tomorrow. You wanted to think about this morning and yesterday. And what tomorrow almost was.

"What I wanna know, is how he got the pills. He hasn't been using in so long. I also contacted his old dealer and that guy hasn't seen 'D in about five years," sighed Russel.

"Ah, um, I might know," Murdoc looked down at his feet.

"You what?!" you sprang out of your seat and grabbed Murdoc by the collar, shaking him hard. "How dare you give a recovering addict drugs! You might've just killed him!"

You collapsed at his feet sobbing. It was all too much. Every part of you felt skinned. You were beyond angry, incredibly sad, and super scared. But most of all, you wanted to strangle Murdoc the moment you stopped crying so hard.

He knelt in front of you and put a hand on your shoulder again. You didn't have the strength in you to shake him off. You were just too broken. "Hey, I didn't give him anything. I've always been a little jealous of him, in fact. He was able to stop. I'm still struggling to even make the decision. We both need help. He's just the smart one. He actually did seek help."

"Then... Then how?" you whispered in between sobs.

"Well, like I said. I'm still struggling. So, I have a stash of my preferred poisons in my room. I've been noticing some missing pills. I just thought I was doing in my drunken stupor. I guess I should've said something."

Russ sucked in a breath. Noodle shook her head. You kept crying. Murdoc sat back on his heels, looking like he finally knew what shame was.

Then the door opened.

This time it was the nurse.