Book Of Love

Near the Brink of death (Pt 3)

I told him everything. I told him the hows, the whys, the whats, the whens and the whos. Scared that he might turn and flee I brace myself for his next response. "Lex, I had no idea."

"No. No- one did. I didn't want anyone to know..." I trail off. "To know what?"

"How ugly I am." I slip my beanie back onto my head, avoiding eye contact with him. I can't tell him I'm dying.. he would.. i.. my thoughts froze when he tilted my chin up with a single finger, "Hair or not, cancer or not, to me you're still pretty." Blushing, I didn't know what to do until he embraced me in a tight bear hug. "Thanks."

"Sorry to interuppt but You can go Lex, just try to take it easy." The doctor lets me leave after a last pat on the back. Hand through mine( hopefully only ss s friend) Dustin leads me to my Cabin. At my dorm room door, he smiles down at me. Yeah he's taller. "Goodnight my cancer fighter." Wincing at the nickname I mumble a goodnight. Yesh some cancer fighter I am. How can I be a fighter if I'm destined to be inside a grave.. buried beneath thousands of layers of soil.. unseen from the world. In the dark of my bed, I sigh. I can't live Dustin and he can't love me and that I have to make clear.

***

"Dustin," at his first physical touch in the morning during breakfast, I decided to break the ice, "you can't love me."
"What because you have cancer?" Yeah, and cause I'm dying! My mind all but yelled. "Y..yeah and for another reason," before he could ask I quickly add, "which I can't tell you." He pulls his hand from my hand, "Lex. I don't care what your reason is, if I love you I can't containe my feelings. Well I guess I just admitted how I feel then." Nervous, he chuckles rubbing his neck. Come on Lexi, are you seriously this evil? Can't hurt can it..? Without thinking, I open my mouth and move my hand into his his open one, "Yeah your right. I feel the same." At my words, he closes his fingers around my hand.

"Hey guys, I see your closer then normal." Camele signals to our entwined hands then narrows her eyes at me, "I'm shocked really?" She sits down. Nuggets. I really messed up. I just messed up his entire life. And just with one stupid move. She munches her apple loudly. I unwrap my protein bar after pulling my hand from Dustin's. Biting into it, the camp instructors shout, "Out to the fields now!" Filing out of the doors, we head to the oval. With orders from the doctor I sit out and watch as everyone plays a rough but fair game of soccer. Good thing I'm here cause I suck at soccer.

Unzipping my pocket, I receive a small note book. Taking the lid of the pen I sit with the point of it an inch off the paper. If I won't survive then Dustin will need to hear some proper last word from me.. and the best way to express how I really feel in on paper so aithout a second thought, the pen touches the paper and I sprawl the neatest and most heart- felt letter ever.

***

"You have to promise!!" I all but yell at Camele wiggling the paper in her face. "Why did you get involved with him in the first place? You wouldn't even have had to write that if you just left him alone or even just told him the truth!" Camele harshly bashes her shoes on the ground ridding of any dirt between and in the soles. "Camele-"

"I don't want to hear a stupid excuse Lex, I can't I just-" She pauses as a sob escapes her lips- "I can't lose you." The shoes she is holdig drops to the ground with a thud. I gather Camele into a hug. Snuggling my head onto her shoulder I sob back, "Everyone's going to lose me but I'll never be gone. I'll always be in your heart, right here." I press a firm gentle hand to her chest. Putting a hand on my hand, she takes the letter from me with a smile, "I promise." 
"And don't read it," I raise a playful eyebrow at her. She opens it but rustles the paper shut, "I can't promise that."

Camele packs her shoes into her gym back and we head to the cafertiria for lunch. A question which Dustin asks, stretches Lexi's brain to think on what she should and shouldn't share. 'How did you lose your hair.' "Well, the treatment I'm getting, usually chemotheraphy has chemicals in it which basically makes my hair fall out. It will grow back. Eventually." No it won't. Nothing will ever function again. "That's brave." Dustin's eyes twinkles. We're in that stage between friends and boyfriend and girlfriend. Not dating but sort of. Good news is: I'm not his girlfriend and- "hey Lex quick question, do you want to be my girlfriend?" - that is the bad news.