Arabella || Luke Hemmings

epilogue

December 13, 1985

My Arabella,

Today will mark a year since you've left. Today marks a year since my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on repeatedly until it could not handle anymore.

It doesn't feel like you're gone, though. To me, you're still living through the music you created during your short trip on earth.

Sometimes I think I sense you around me. At random points in my days I catch a whiff of the cigarettes you smoked or the citrus scented lotion you could not go a day without putting on. I smile to myself because I know you're with me in a different way now...If you were here right now, you would probably tell me I'm going crazy. I can hear your voice already.

My therapist suggested I start writing you letters as if you never left, he said it will ease some pain and it will start the process of moving on. But Arabella, believe me when I say I do not want to move on. It is impossible to move on from someone as incredible as yourself. I don't understand how Andy did it. Maybe he never moved on...

I occasionally play the guitar you bought me for my nineteenth birthday. By occasionally, I mean I've only played it once since the accident, otherwise it has stayed in the corner of my living room, collecting dust.

I saw Haze the other day, we spoke briefly of you. We don't speak of you often because it hurts, it is still an open wound, an open wound that's infected and slowly killing us all. You might be wondering why I saw Haze...Her and Ashton came over for dinner. Haze and Ashton are engaged! (Can you believe it?) Ashton has been her rock since your passing. She didn't remember much after the accident, but he helped her out a lot. They are so in love now. When we spoke about you, she mentioned how she wanted nothing more than for you to be there at the wedding even if it meant you would be there with a smirk and repeatedly saying, "I told you so." She mentioned you were going to be her maid of honor if she ever got married, because you were the closest thing she had to a sister.

Her and Ashton agreed to put your name as the maid of honor on the wedding program. I know you will be there in spirit. I know you will be there saying, "I told you so." even if no one can hear you.

We all miss you Arabella. We need you back. I need you.

I'm listening to the soft showers hit the window and it's almost soothing. All I need is you here, cuddling with me as we watch television. I remember how much you love rainy days, they were always your favorite. You said, gloomy days were fit for the world because we all lived in a permanent state of gloom. I didn't believe that until you were gone. Now, I wish every day was cold and gloomy, because the sun reflects nothing that I feel.

Today, my therapist recommended I take a change of scenery and place myself somewhere that makes me happy. My happy place is with you though. I'm missing you dearly today.

Loch and I had dinner last night, him and Jade have been married for a few months now, they're expecting their first child next year. Before you ask, yes, Loch is my friend now. He's friends with the other guys too. He put his differences aside after you passed. We now understand what you guys meant by Loch being a nice person, he has a heart of gold, he's one of the most genuine people I've met.

Tonight, the usual group plans to hang out at Ashton and Haze's, they're giving a house warming type thing. It's always unusual hanging out with everyone and you not being there. Sometimes quietness will consume us and I know we are each thinking about you and desperately wanting to bring you up and talk about you in happier times but I think we are all too scared.

I talked to your mom on the phone not too long ago, she is slowly healing, but still holds a great amount of sadness. Her heart is broken. I know her birthday is coming up soon. I'm flying to Frost to give her your old keyboard as a gift because she probably does not have many mementos from you. I have some many mementos of yours, so it's only fair to give her something I know you loved more than anything, even more than you loved me.

I am sure you're a beautiful angel by now. I hope you are not causing trouble in heaven! You better be on your best behavior, okay?

Again, I miss you.

I can't wait to be with you again.

Yours,

Lucas