(en)caja

Capítulo sem título 18 // O último de 2018

Hoy por la mañana he tragado en seco, y no fue amargo. He llorado sonriendo, y no fue caliente, ni me lastimó. Bueno, ni cerca de lo tanto que solía hacer.

He reconocido que soy diferente de lo que esperabas. No soy lo que quieres, y tan probablemente nunca lo alcance a ser, por lo más que lo haga intentado.
Y cómo lo he intentado.

Me he lastimado, conformado, intentado modificar, sentido, aguantado. No he respirado, leído, escuchado, reído, llorado.

And whenever I crawl, supplicate, beg for those crumbles... I know what I'm not being, what I'm doing. I'm fully aware that's not healthy for me, and I intend to stop it.

I don't think she knows how much power I used to give her. How her words could get so deeply into me, so profusely acute. Neither does she know how I now have...somehow, somewhat, reclaimed some of that power.

When the wolf went away, I'd feel overwhelmed, paralysed. It anguished me to the point where my body would make loud complaints, delicate (well, not so much) reminders that the left part of it would writhe and scream with the need of its predator back. It howled, trying to call the wolf, trying to imitate her sounds, something she would recognize and like. Trying to exert the same force, the same attraction that she had over me. But it was, as always, a failed attempt, and I could never capture her attention for long. She's a free spirit, chained only by her own demons. Those I can only try to help her in the battle, and be there to hold her if she lets me.

🎶 Do It For Her - Steven Universe 🎶

Those two sisters told me I was brave for facing my fears, for fighting alongside the wolf and its partner. I never felt brave, or strong. I did what I had to do, when I needed to. My strangled throat and many bloodied bruises were never a sign of force or bravery. Only of survival.

Be it breathing, be it searching for her, be it trying to let her go, I was just trying to figure out how to do that: survive. And I guess understanding who I am is the best way to do so, the best way to truly be a one, a something, not a shadow or a slave. First a daughter, then a lover, not first a mother and a second option.

I like the way I can change to turn into something likeable, these social habilities sure do help me a lot. But of course it has caused me so many troubles in the past. The confusion with "what is actually my personality? Am I doing this because I like it or just to please?". It surely added to the turmoil of crazyness. I keep discovering more and more of my own self, and let me tell you, I'm quite an interesting person. It's a very hard job not to once again repress myself, but I'll keep trying.

My body hurts today. Death has now come, and it has shaken the structures I thought I had in place. I don't fear it, nor do I have trouble facing it. But I'm just so tired...

I have to go now, but what about it? Will it last? Will it come back, stronger? I hope not. I like being happy for her, and not having to depend on her every breath. I have at least one lung now, even though it feels like it's not positioned in the right place yet. I'm growing, forming.

My heart broke and sometimes it still breaks in a million pieces at every part of this process. But at least there are times I truly am just... happy for her, and not hurting that much. Her fur comes down from that apparently permanent ice armor, her eyes soften (or so I imagine), and the storm inside her seems to loose its sound. It's still there, but it's calmer. There is a way. There is a person who can help.

I'm both relieved and sad that's not me. At least I can keep getting to know me, and she can come along if she wants to. A she wolf. Not so lonely, ever so free.

I am not a wolf, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends.

It's the end of a cycle, and the start of a new one. We shape this reality, and even though I'm tired, my self-discovering self aches for doing more, for achieving more, expressing more. I live to share love and my art, y mientras lo pueda hacer y tocar vidas, lo quiero. Me quiero, os quiero, la quiero.

_____________

Gracias a Rozalen por Cerrando Puntos Suspensivos.