skirts // ryden

thirty four

Being Ryan Ross's first official boyfriend meant so much to Brendon.

It meant that he could endlessly stare into Ryan's chocolate eyes. The ones that Ryan argued were horribly boring, but nonetheless, Brendon would always search for the flecks of gold that playfully sparkled every time the boy flashed a smile. The gold was literal treasure to Brendon and he wished that he could snap a picture of his beautiful boyfriend just so he could remember every bit of his face. The way the skin around his eyes crinkled when he smiled. The way his dimples pressed into his cheeks and how his cheeks flushed red when he blushed.

It meant that he could run his fingers through Ryan's silky hair, the brown locks ever failing to mesmerize him. The strands always delicately fell over his perfectly sculpted features and despite the complaints of whether his hair should be curly of straight, Brendon reassured Ryan he would look beautiful no matter what. Brendon adored the embarrassed faces of Ryan in the morning when he woke up with a messy head and the way he allowed Brendon to comb his fingers through the knotted locks as they tried to escape the mindset of sleep.

It meant enjoying Ryan's soft pink lips. The way Ryan always smiled against Brendon's lips when Brendon leaned in for a kiss. Every time they kissed, Brendon could taste the strawberries and coffee that was always on him. After kissing Ryan for the first time, Brendon found himself addicted to and craving the lingering taste from Ryan's lips. Ryan also had the bad habit of asking if he was 'an okay kisser,' to which Brendon would answer that he was amazing and describe his feelings, along with the strawberries and coffee.

It meant being at each other's houses on their beds or on the couch with Ryan and snuggling against him. Sometimes Ryan's arms would be wrapped around Brendon or vice versa. Brendon wrapped himself in the feeling of warmth emitted from the arms wrapped around him. The slow rise and fall of Ryan's chest and his heartbeat proved to comfort Brendon more than he expected.

It meant hearing the secret voice that Ryan kept hidden away from the world. The voice he hid from everyone; from his mother, from Gerard, from Frank. Never from Brendon, though. Brendon would lay atop Ryan's bed, the plush blue blankets comforting him in place of his boyfriend temporarily. The steady cascade of water from the bathroom filled Brendon's ears along with the sound of Ryan's angelic singing. Even when Ryan told Brendon that he was a terrible singer, Brendon countered and defended his boyfriend's musical talent against himself.

It meant that Brendon could drive Ryan home from school. He would hum along to the radio and Brendon would listen as he complained endlessly about the pop songs that would play, 'rotting his brain'. Or they would drive away from home, turning onto the hidden path into the forest of tall trees; the green leaves with sunlight peeking through the canopies that Ryan always stared at during the day.

It meant waiting until nightfall by each other's sides. Sitting out in the field of bright green grass just past the ominous forest, lanterns and stars dimly illuminating the scene. They would stargaze until Ryan stood to retrieve his acoustic guitar from its case. They would sit in the grass and Ryan would tune the instrument while Brendon hummed the notes to help.

It meant eating together in the school cafeteria, just talking. They would abandon their lunches and they would become lost in each other's voices until the rest of the world faded away. The obnoxious yelling of other teenagers melting into the shadows until all they could hear was one another. It always felt perfect in the imperfect environment of bullying and stress.

It meant peace. Sitting wherever they were and just silently enjoying the presence of each other. They sat quietly, knowing that neither had to say a single word. Brendon would admire his boyfriend while Ryan obliviously stared into space. When Ryan turned to lock eyes with Brendon, they still said nothing. They just sat there, grateful to be with each other.

Brendon made the agreement with himself that he would never give Ryan up for the world.

Ryan felt the same.

That was the reason Brendon was going to say the 'l word' to Ryan. At midnight on New Years Eve. Fitting, no? Brendon would drive Ryan to the field beyond the forest and they would stargaze, holding one another until the faraway clock tower would announce the new year. Brendon would look to Ryan his eyes would dart down to Ryan's lips. And after the midnight kiss that Brendon so desperately wanted to share now that they were official boyfriends, Brendon would tell him.

"I walked across..."
"An empty land."
"I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.."

Ryan delicately strummed his guitar, calloused fingers pressed against the strings with care. His tongue was stuck out slightly, his face contorted with a look of passion and concentration. Brendon sat, staring at the boy he loved. His limped were parted absentmindedly as he sang along to the song Ryan was playing.

"I felt the earth..."
"Beneath my feet."
"Sat by the river and it made me complete.."

When Ryan's actions halted, he glanced to Brendon, those familiar flecks of gold shining in his eyes. Brendon's heart thudded loudly in his chest and he swallowed the lump in his throat, hearing the distant sound of twelve chimes. His heart sped up further and Brendon's eyes shifted from Ryan's eyes down to his pink lips. They were shadowed by darkness, but Brendon could already feel the butterflies bubbling in his stomach. Ryan took in a breath as he noticed where Brendon's eyes were.

He silently set down his guitar, allowing it to still on the grass before looking back and scooting towards Brendon. Almost instantly, Brendon's fingers were tangled in Ryan's hair and the fabric of the taller boy's shorts were touching Brendon's covered legs. He giggled as Brendon smiled childishly and pressed his chapped lips against Ryan's soft ones. Brendon felt the fireworks from the distance become dull as much brighter ones exploded in his stomach.

Ryan's eyes fell shut and he pressed against Brendon, his lips already curling into a smile against Brendon's lips. He was so glad to be able to call Brendon his boyfriend and he eventually separated himself from Brendon. Still, he remained as close as ever to his boyfriend, not wanting to escape his embrace.

Brendon hesitantly gnawed at his bottom lip, looking at Ryan with a lack of confidence floating in his head. He sucked in a breath and gently stroked Ryan's head, brown hair soft to the touch.

"Ryan..?"

Ryan hummed in reply, turning his glance to look at Brendon.

"I love you."

Ryan's breath hitched in his throat and Brendon felt a surge of immediate regret when his boyfriend gave no response. Before the tears in his eyes could form, warm glistening tears began to streak down Ryan's face and Brendon could hear the soft sobbing coming from the boy. In an instant, Brendon moved a hand to wipe the liquid from his flushed cheeks. His fingertips were cool to the touch against Ryan's warm cheeks. Ryan's breath was uneven and he hiccuped a countless amount of time. In an instant, Brendon felt tears of his own fall when Ryan responded.

"I love you, too...So much. I love you, Brendon."

"Happy News Years, Ryan..I love you so much."