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Wednesday night
Ring... Ring... Ring...
How does one tell their mother, 'hey mum I know we haven't been talking lately but I need help paying rent cause I spend too much money collecting vinyls' without sounding like a total brat? I don't think there is a way. I feel like the bigger loser on planet Earth right now. My mum probably thinks I only call her whenever I need something. Is she wrong? I mean no, not really.
She didn't pick up. I think she knows her only daughter calls when asking for favors. I'm such a shit person. But I'm desperate for her help.
I still remember what she told me before I left to University. She said, 'I know that you don't need me anymore but I still need you. Did you really have to choose a school out of town?' A little bit controlling for my taste but I know she didn't mean any harm with it. These past couple of weeks I've been praying that she'll call me one day and say, 'baby girl, come on home.' But I'm afraid that day will never come.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
The loud ringing on the telephone stopped. My mother picked up. My tears started flowing heavier then the pouring rain outside.
"Mum, I miss you so much. I just want to go home. I miss you and Ben and Nico and the kitties. I miss Bournemouth. I'm lonely here and I don't have enough for rent."
I pulled a cigarette out of my back pocket and lit it like dynamite. I was careful and made sure not to get any salty tears on the fag as I took a long drag from it.
"Aubrey baby, I love you so much. And as much as I've missed you, I've come to realize that you need to spread your own wings and learn to fly."
I love that woman so much. Her words felt like a dagger through my chest. But she's right, I have to learn to fly by myself. I couldn't depend on her anymore.
"Mom I-"
"I'll drive to Kensington this weekend and we'll talk more. Alright baby girl? It's late for a school night, get some sleep yeah?"
"Okay mum, I love you."
"I love you too. Now stop smoking and get some rest."
I adore how much care and love my mom gives me and my two younger brothers. I don't know if she would still be as affectionate if my dad was present in my life. A common question I get a lot, 'if you had the chance to meet your dad, would you?' And the answer is usually, 'I don't know?' My dad left us when I was at the ripe age of four. Ben was two and Nico was only a few weeks old. I don't think he deserves for me to meet him. It's not like he did anything for me anyways. I don't even think he deserves the title of dad.
I took a sip of the whiskey shot on my kitchen counter.
January 7th 1970, you are a bizarre day.
I marked it down on my notebook. Thirsty for songwriting material.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise
I sung along to the record playing. My head leaning towards the window. Mesmerized by the rain and it's sound. It's like I could still hear my mum say, 'spread your own wings and fly.' The lyrics of the song Blackbird captured my mood perfectly as I had to take my moms advice.
Blackbird fly, blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night
I always thought that the song was about death but Paul McCartney wrote in regards to the Civil Rights Movement in the United States.
Whenever I'm not smoking or drinking or doing anything important, I find myself thinking. Is there more to this life then just working to live then eventually living to work? School, work, retirement, death. Is that all there is to it?
The song gradually comes to an end.
All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise You were only waiting for this moment to arise You were only waiting for this moment to arise
This is a filler chapter! But I still hope you guys liked it because it was kind of hard for me to write. I hope your 2019 goes well ! Happy new year ! Till the next chapter 🥂💛
