the Crumbly Biscuit of Life

Chapter XVI: Not Cow Food

     So Kitty read me a story a week ago, and I'm gonna try to remember it. It is the story of Christ's birth. And It goes a little somethin like this:

     The angel Gabriel crawled through the window of Mary's bedroom.

     "Hell, Mary, thou art highly flavored among women. Wink wink, nudge nudge, pervert goes, bloody nose," said Gabriel, glowing like a movie star. "Thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus. He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the highest."

     "How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?" asked Mary.

     "Oh... Really? Well that's not a problem." Gabriel crawled back out the window, awkwardly.

     Then Joseph, her husband, did not like this idea. And Joseph, being just a man wanted to banish her from the land. Which I guess was better than being stoned.

     So he decided to sleep on it. But while he slept, a random nameless angel snuck into his room and did a Vulcan mind-meld on him. 

     "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost," said the angel that nobody cares about. "So you better do what I say. Or else."

     Then Joseph wakes up. And he did what the angel said.

     And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. But it wasn't the whole world. This Augustus dude wasn't very good at geography. So it was only part of the world.

     And Joseph went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem: because he was of the house and lineage of David: to be taxed with Mary, his espoused wife, being great with child.

     They were in a barn, because there was no room for them in the inn. But of course, there was room for a poodle in the inn.

     And so it was, that while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and put him in a trough, which, if you ask me, is a bad idea. Wouldn't the cows try to eat him? Jesus is not cow food.

     And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

     And the gay angel, Lo, came upon them, and the glory  of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

     "Don't be afraid, you sexy men: I bring you tidings of great joy which shall be to all people," said Lo, winking. "For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."

     Then a multitude of heavenly host jumped out from behind the shepherds, praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will to men." And then they all disappeared.

     "Come on, Hue, let's go see what those crazy people 'er talkin' erbout," said one shepherd.

     So the shepherds strapped on their jet packs and came to Bethlehem with haste. When they got there, they saw Jesus and made known abroad the sayings which were told them concerning this child.

     Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying, "Where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the east and come to worship him."

     Though it doesn't make sense: who ever heard of wise men?

     And Herod sent them to Bethlehem.

     And because heaven was low on money at the time, Lo, the gay angel was hanging from a rope, with an electrical cord plugged in to him. So he glowed.

     The wise men saw the star-like Lo, hanging over the barn. And them and their camels were drunk. And they went inside the barn, and saw Jesus, and face-planted in worship.

     And when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts: gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.

     And being warned in a dream that they should not return to Herod, they departed on their flying, drunk camels into their own country another way.

                        THE END