Always Romira

Chapter - 3

His love was like a never ending ocean, and I wanted to drown myself in it.
~ Akanksha Jaiswal.

……

Akira

Akira.

He's said Akira, not Ray.

Jesus, my heart!

It drops down to his feet, begging him silently to take his words back even if it knows how impossible this is.

The hard truth guts me cruelly. I'm not his Ray and he is not my Romero, not anymore.

I want to weep at the loss I'm feeling right now. The loss has been here for past three months but no pain, nothing compares to it. The intensity, force and impact nearly brings me to my knees.

I feel his eyes on my back and will myself to turn around. I don't want to, I want to disappear from here to my room, where I know my self loathing would be waiting for me.

I stifle a gasp when I come face to face with him. He is enchantingly beautiful. God knows how much I miss looking him knowing it's my right but now, I don't have that right. Christ! He is near, oh so near, his addicting scent reaches my nostril making me dizzy. All the memories where I would launch my body on him to inhale him, to feel him, to know he is real, flows in my mind.

"What? Got nothing to say?" He is mocking but I can't see what he is feeling. He has turned off his emotions or concealed them with a barrier I can't cross now.

"Romero." I breath out a single word but its not what I want to say.

I want to tell him that I love him, I missed him, I ache for him, I crave him, I need him. I want to scream them at top of my lungs, I am dying to say that I hate myself for leaving him, even if it's for him, that I hate him for taking those drugs, I hate his BPD for yanking me away from him, I hate Slade for making me watch the reality of the situation.

"Sydney said you'd not be here." I manage to say without a hitch, or so I think.

His lips curl in humourless smirk, "That's why you came here, didn't you? Thinking you wouldn't have to face your mistake. Now look, your mistake himself came to face you. How does it make you feel?"

Sad.

Anguish.

Tormented.

Pathetic.

Destroyed.

Several words swirl in the back of my head but none comes close to touching my tongue. Its irony, really, the one person I thought I would share my everything is now the person I couldn't say my feelings.

He says mistake. If he was a mistake then I would make it again and again. He'd be my most beautiful mistake and I would be proud to bear the title of its maker. But he is not a mistake, he is my something I don't have word for. No dictionary has invented the word yet and I doubt they could ever.

"I know you are angry with me. Slade said-"

"Fuck that bastard. You think you know everything, don't you? But guess what? You don't know a shit." His voice never once rises up, he speaks evenly as if he is bored. His eyes never once gain the looks he used to give me before.

And I realise I can't do this. I can't watch him treat me as if I'm some stranger to him. As if we never made love before, as if we didn't see each other at their worst.