What Does It Mean?

Real Talk, With Ze People. {{Authors Talk.}}

Hello, I am a teenage girl with a bad life. I fell in love two months ago with the person who actually truely understands me. Now, most of you are shaking your head at me but let me explain.

        I grew up hiding everything that made me, me. I stayed quiet, didn't make many friends. I made lies like, I was raised by lions because I didn't understand some things about hair on people's tounge. But I wanted people to look at me, to think I was cool. And I wouldn't stand up for myself and I was bullied back into being silent. Now my true friends, and they tell me sometimes, that I have a sad face when I think no one is looking. That my eyes are sad even though I'm laughing. But that's only because I've never had a real friendship, one that I could tell anything. Now later I did meet those kinds of people and I've kept a secret all my life and I only tell the people I trust that secret. 2/4 said they belived me. Including a cousin and her boyfriend. Now, I went into a state of madness that stayed with me to my trip to New York. And there,. . . I had a different guy then the one I am certain to be with the entirety of my lifetime. 

        This guy was tall, intelligent, and kind when he wanted to be. But he acted different around his friends, like I was nothing to him. But when we were alone he'd love me. And I knew it was wrong but I believed I loved him, though we never dated. He called me a monster, looked at me, and I took a cab home. Not a plane. I live in Ohio, and I took a cab. When I came back home, I wanted to end it. I couldn't handle all of this. Everything I believed to be true people were saying that it wasn't. And I cared about what they said which was my mistake. A man, about in his twenties (He's acutally eighteen.) saved me, and took away the knife. Replacing it with a punching bag and a rubberband. 

        Now, only a day later I got onto Town of Salem. And out of chance I saw there was a 'Soul Eater' theme and I choose Tsubaki, she was quite and kind and my favourite character. (Other then Stein.) I met a screen name of Black Star and that's when it started. I was mentally attracted to him, and after only a week of knowing him. . . I told him my secret. And he, believed me. Now, who in the world would do that? Trusting someone who you'd just met? Later I found out it was because he loved me... But the flirting, that stuff started happening and I took it. He didn't look at me like a monster, even though I haven't even seen this guy. He believed me, and he called me his. And I allow it. Because, I happen to be, and I say this with full clarity, in love with this guy. '

        No, I haven't seen him. No, I'm not able to talk to him 24/7 anymore because of school and after school things. No, I am not old enough to know better. But I have more wisdom then my own parents did two years after they got married. I've been hurt, beaten, thrown about, cursed at, lied to, untrusted, hated. And I know that's a part of life. I have to get back up, turn the other cheek, be gracious, trust, love, and keep my mouth shut. 

        I am only fourteen years old, and I know these things. I practice these things every day. Because everyone has problems and some people have them worse then me. I don't need love, but when someone gives me their heart I will take it, and return it when they want it. When (He never will he says..) this guy breaks my heart, I will not go on a cursing rage at him and hate him. I will say that I love him one more time then ask to be friends, I will love him fully still but I understand that he is happier with someone else who is not me. And that's how life works. Though, I'll hate that fact I won't say it. 

        These past two weeks I haven't heard a word from him. And I have the little voice on my right shoulder telling me that he wants to get away from me, stop talking to me. He wants someone else and is trying to tell me but the hints are flying over my head. I have mental break downs often now. Who I was about a year ago, had changed into this. I use to never cry openly, letting people see my pain. I would hide it and only tell my best-friend-who-shall-not-be-named. She saw my cry once over a family member. She was only an aunt to me but I had trusted her and loved her. She use to hold me when my bad sportsmanship got out of hand and tell me it was ok. But, something happened. And one day she wasn't there, without warning, without a goodbye. And I never saw her again, and I keep pictures so I can hurt myself. Because for the longest time I thought it was my fault.