LOVING Aman | ✓

12

CHAPTER TWELVE

AMAN caught me crying.

It isn't something I'm ashamed of but It's not any I'd like to be known either especially when I glimpsed the sadness in his eyes and the truth behind them. They weren't pity stares, far from that, they were the eyes of a person who knew pain, not just pain, pain, but the kind that crushes the soul and make minces of the heart;  the kind that builds thick walls.

And I hated that.

I hated that he knew what exactly I felt. I hated that he understood. I hated that we shared something intangible. I hated that he saw this part of me. I hated that a part of me was glad someone understood my pain. I hated my vulnerability that his eyes mirrored. I hated that his eyes held mine prisoner and wouldn't let go. But mostly, I hated that the tears refused to stop even though his eyes were on mine.

I kept on crying and crying and crying, letting out the pain I had bottled up, the pent up anger that had hovered over me and the hopelessness I've felt these past few days. I just needed to cry. And in those minutes the tears fell, eleven years’ worth of pain, anger, frustration, guilt, fears and a whole bag of suppressed emotions was set free. And so I cried and cried and cried.

And Aman watched, silently. He didn't do or say anything, he simply watched as I cried snottily and messily with my pain taking the form of punctured sobs and his letting me cry, I don't know, just makes me want to cry to my heart's content. There was no sympathy, no criticisms nor was there any judgements whatsoever. He simply stood there watching.

And then he did something strange.

He covered the space between us and allowed my head rest on his legs soaking in my shaking and heaving as he patted my back softly. I knew I should move away; we weren't supposed to touch, and I almost did, but then something stranger happened instead; I hugged him back crushingly allowing myself to bask in his strength.

He almost fell from the impact of my unexpected crash on his being, his hands briefly leaving my back as he held on the tree I had sat on for support. I guess I needed the company of someone, anyone, and Aman just filled the gap for me, right now.

But after a few more minutes of pain and sweat and tears, I let him go, rubbing clear my eyes and nose. He gave me space, turning his back at me. I quickly washed my face and stood, walking up to him.

"Uhm...," I cleared my voice, "I'm so-

"Let's go," he began walking ignoring my apology.

I tried again. "Please don't-

"I won't. It's none of my business." He interrupted yet again walking fast I had to run keep up.

He wasn't rude or cruel, it was just a statement of his truth which somehow got me riled. I wanted him to be curious, I wanted him to offer me comfort, I wanted him to let me in his world, I wanted his guard down so I could really peer into his soul, I wanted...No, I caught myself. Not with him, not ever. I absolutely don't want anything from him.

And yet I was wonder struck as to why my emotions since we met had gone haywire.

Why was dormant emotions suddenly igniting? What was so special about him that could stir things up in me? Was it just because he wasn't asking, judging or criticising? Why was he making me dig deeper within myself? Why do I feel like his silence speaks volume which somehow I could decipher if I looked deeper? Why? Why? Why? What I was certain about was that whatever it was that was going on here was getting deeper than I had anticipated and that made me shiver. He makes me vulnerable.