LOVING Aman | ✓

21

He was everything I always told myself I needed and yet he was nothing I wanted.

-Sweet_Sultana

* * *

KADUNA, NIGERIA.
January 1st, 2017.
12:00am

"Three...two...one, HAPPY NEW YEAR," Hanna, Jabir and I screamed in unison. I smiled staring at the faces of my best friend and my boyfriend through my computer screen. We are video calling. Hanna said goodbye first leaving me alone with Jabir.

"So, uhm-," I trailed off, not knowing what to say. It was still awkward between us.

I had finally plucked up the courage to call him last week and tell him I want him back; if he wants me too. He'd ended the call abruptly, leaving me feeling all shades of awkwardness only for him to show up minutes later on my doorstep sporting the goofiest smile I had ever seen and a very bold yes written on a cardboard paper. It was truly pleasing. 

"So-," he teased, mimicking my voice

"Goodnight?" I asked softly meeting his eyes.

"Goodnight." He drawled lazily shutting his eyes.

Smiling, I turned off my computer.

It was our thing; for him to shut his eyes whenever I wanted to leave. He said it makes the pain of separation easier. However instead of sleeping, I found myself reminiscing about the last few months.

To say it had been hard would probably be an understatement, for it hadn't been just hard, but was also suicidal; waking up each morning hoping it was night already, thinking of death more than anything and just simply wishing your days away.

Yes, it was positively hellish. 

They; Aman and his twin, Amar my ex husband, had dropped me off after driving for three hours. No word was exchanged again between us; I had made sure of that—I had my eyes shut and my head rested against the car seat on a feeble attempt to depict I was asleep. I knew they knew I wasn't asleep but I guess they had the decency to let me be, not that I was thankful; I hated them both for the ordeal they had put me through.

My mum had been waiting by the door for me; Aman had phoned her. It had felt weird and awkward and creeped the hell out of me; listening to my mom's voice on Aman's phone but I pretended not to be. I really didn't want to know my mom's connection to these whole nightmare.

And when the car had stopped hours later in front of my house, I stepped out of the car without as much as a glance and ran straight into my mom's arms.  She'd hugged me tightly as she felt my tears ran down her back.

I finally felt safe!

I was, however, soon confronted with the questions I had earlier convinced myself I didn't need when I heard my mom on the phone as I stepped out of the bathroom.

"If as much as a hair on her head was harmed, I will make sure you pay for it." She hissed and hung up the phone.

I didn't confront her though. The answers scared me and I didn't think I was strong enough for the truth. Not yet anyway.

It had however not stopped me from mopping around for days with red, puffy eyes and watched as my ma stared at me as if she was waiting for me to crumple and shatter to pieces. I was fairly certain my heart was on the verge of stopping those days after my return home. I know I said I didn't want any answers, but the  questions were all but killing me.