LOVING Aman | ✓

31

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* * *

Maya Angelou wrote that there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. I couldn't agree more. However what do we do about the stories that were better left untold?

Apparently I've been unconscious for two days simply because the screw to my sanity had somehow unscrewed, simply because an untold story suddenly wanted out but I couldn't help but wonder if it was worth it, if he was worth it. But watching the two men I love glare at each other was definitely not worth it. I definitely didn't want to see any of them get hurt.

"What are you doing here?" I frowned at Aman. I might not want him to get hurt but that doesn't mean I wanted to see him either.

"I was worried." He said simply sitting next to me on the bed ignoring my obvious lack of warmth and Jabir's mean looking scowl.

"What do you want?" I managed between gritted teeth.

"I was worried."

"I am fine. You can leave." I snapped not minding that Jabir was here

If he was fazed by my tone of voice he wasn't showing. He simply sat there, smiling at me, looking like someone on the cover of a magazine, a very hot someone. But hot or not, he wasn't welcome here. I don't want him here.

I turned to Jabir who was clearly trying to rein in his anger or was it jealousy, I couldn't say for sure, but whatever it was, he wasn't doing a fine job at hiding his pain.

"Would you help me up, Jay? I want to go for a walk." I gave him my hand, smiling encouragingly.

Smiling back, he took my hands into his and ever gently, helped me stand on my feet. After a few awkward attempt to stay on my feet on my own and failing miserably, I decided to allow him hold me as we began to walk out of the room.

And without sparing Aman a glance, we walked away.

* * *

I don't know if what I did was right or if it was even okay, he came for me after all, but I didn't care, or rather I didn't want to.

However I couldn't help but feel guilty which I shoveled out immediately. He didn't deserve anything from me. Moreover I owed him nothing, absolutely nothing.

"Reima-," Jabir's voice slithered into my thoughts. I stared at him blankly. Apparently he had been saying something that I hadn't listened to.

"Uhm, sorry. Feeling a bit dizzy." I apologized. I didn't want him thinking that I was thinking about Aman, even though I was, or that I cared. I don't!

"Maybe we should sit then." He suggested

"That would be great." I smiled noticing we were out of the hospital and at the hospital's gardens. I didn't know we'd gone so far. He helped me sit on one of the stone chairs and then he'd sat next to me.

I smiled at him."Thanks for bringing me out."

"It was my pleasure." He smiled too. "Would you like something to drink?" He asked a moment later when he saw me twitching my fingers nervously. It was my signature for needing to drink something cool to distract me.

I smiled and nodded. I forget sometimes he knew me more than I know myself. Smiling, he stood and walked towards the hospital's canteen.

God, I love this man. I couldn't help but wonder how was it I thought we were incompatible.

* * *

"Until when do you intend to keep on ignoring me?" Aman's voice startled me from behind as soon as Jabir disappeared from my view.

I hissed, annoyed. What was his problem anyway? He had ignored me all those months why couldn't he just continue with that?

"What do you want, Aman?" I growled

He sat opposite me, never taking his eyes of me. "I want you, or didn't I make myself clear?"

"Go away, Aman," And on a second thought, I added, "Please."

"I don't understand. I thought it was answers you wanted, Rei." He sounded perplexed

"Not anymore, Aman," Especially not yours, I wanted to add but I kept silent, I didn't want him thinking he was important. He wasn't. Plus I really want him to leave.

"But you've always wanted answers, Rei. I don't understand why you wouldn't accept mine."

"Answers are supposed to make sense, Aman." I gritted, "-but not yours, NEVER yours. Yours are like being trapped in a quicksand; I keep on drowning and knowing you, it's safe to say that there is no way out for me."

"But you know everything now. I never wanted to hurt you." He said stubbornly, his voice begging me to understand.

"You had hurt me nevertheless," I whispered softly. I didn't expect him to hear, but he had. I saw the pain perched on his face, it wasn't a nice sight

"Trust me, Rei, the last thing I would ever do is hurt you again." And at my look of utter disbelieve, he went on, "though I know it's hard for you to believe, but it was nevertheless the truth."

Our eyes met and if I was to be honest, I could see the truth in his eyes. But it was a truth I didn't need or even want. And so I turned away.

"Why are you here, really?"  I asked finally in a deceptively calm voice.

He didn't answer and I was almost sure he wouldn't when I heard his voice in a low, but audible tone. "I thought I had lost you."

"You lost me a long time ago, Aman." I said wistfully.

He stared hard at me then, his eyes dilated with worry and something else. It was as if he finally realized something, something I had hidden from the moment I saw him again.

I guess he finally realized my memories are back.

"I'm sorry, Rei. And I have been sorry for the past ten years and even though I know you would never forgive me after you read those letters and probably never want to see me ever again," he paused, "Still, I needed to see you again, even like this."

"Sorry?" I shrieked, not caring to hide anymore. "You are sorry, eh, Aman? Do you even know what words like those mean? Or have you forgotten how much I said them that night you had raped me," I continued spitefully. "If they hadn't stopped you then, why should it stop me now?"

"Reima-

"No, Aman, I don't want your apology. If there's anything I want from you, is you leaving and never showing yourself to me ever. Like you’ve successfully done in the last ten years," I spat.

"I'm sorry, Reima, but I don't think I can, even if I wanted to."

"And why is that?" I scoffed, "Some remnant lust?"

He looked painfully at me with his eyes strickened with regret, and yet I couldn't muster an iota of sympathy. Instead, I felt the fox of ire churning. He was making me sick again. I needed for him to leave or I won't be responsible for whatever happened next, I thought contemptibly

"Please leave, Aman." I closed my eyes, trying to remain poise. Truth was I hated him, but part of me was also terrified of him. The sight of him reminded me of my muffled screams, the sharp, undulating pain, the pool of scarlet flowing down my thighs, and the evil smirk on his face.

No, he wasn't sorry, he couldn't be.

Yes, I hated him. But I hated myself more because I know he was right, deep down I know it wasn't rape, but I was hurt anyway. He knew what my virginity meant to me and he knew I couldn't live with myself after, but he did it anyway. He could have thought about me, he should have even if I had surrendered, but he hadn't and for that I will never forgive him.

Never!