LOVING Aman | ✓

23

  We don't lie because it's easy, we lie because it saves us from pain and hopefully, it will buy us time to heal.

-Sweet_Sultana

* * *

WHEN I WOKE up, my mum was not home and Jabir and Hanna had both left me a message.

I looked at Hannah's first;

Don't forget about our date. I'll pick you up at eight

PS:
Put on something nice puh_lease

Smiling, I opened Jabir's

Leaving for Katsina. Something urgent came up. I love you.

Wondering what was so urgent he had to leave immediately, I dialled his number but after three trials and being told his number was unreachable at the moment, I settled on a text message.

Stay safe. I'll miss you.

Pressing the send button, I held on the phone a bit longer. I couldn't help but feel worried.

Whenever Jabir goes home, he always returned depressed. His family had a way of sucking out the joy from his life.

Feeling angry and knowing how helpless I was, I hissed and walked to the kitchen suddenly craving Caffeine.

* * *

As I watch the machine hiss into life, I couldn't help it when my mind wandered off. It seems to have a mind of its own lately.

It was the same thought over and over again;Death, gone and new beginnings, in other words, Irrfan, Aman and Jabir.

I know most people wouldn't understand the depths of my pain for they couldn't fathom how meeting someone for just three days can cause this much pain and anguish but I know in a relationship, it isn't the length that matters, it was the weight and when you've gambled everything you had and lost, there was no exact words to define what you are going through.

Moreover, I hadn't just  gambled on commitments, I had also confronted my most distressing nightmares.

However at this moment, it was the memory of last night that was flooding back unchecked. I suddenly felt hollow, but that empty feeling was too much for me to confront in the blazing light of the day. It was too much.

And so I quickly grabbed a cup of my hot and steaming coffee and went back to where at least I didn't have to think; reading my book.

I know reading the letters wasn't exactly healing me, reliving the pain, however,  was helping to kick start the process in some way.

|Letter 5|

Captain,

            I am not happy, Captain. And I don't know what's worst-the fact that you are still swimming in my thoughts or the fact that I couldn't trust myself with you. What do I do? Believe me I never wished this upon us, and my unhappiness isn't some kind of choice of mine. It simply happened that way. 

            I'm sorry if I seem selfish or maybe heartless even, perhaps I am both and much more. However, I can't seem to stop missing you or wishing you were here. Like how this morning, like the morning I had left, I had laid on the bed for hours with my phone in my hand staring listlessly at your number. I wanted so much to call that it had taken every nerve in my body to restrain myself. It was something I had always done, pulled a white flag first regardless of who was at fault. A bad habit. However one I vowed to rid myself. I had however, kept on praying, wishing you'd call instead and give me an excuse to talk to you, but like all the times when I needed you the most, the timing was always wrong.