Escaping Hell

Control

I stare at the house, uncertain about whether I should go in. I haven't met him, but he's my own father. He doesn't want me. What would he say to me? "Hey kiddo, sorry I was a deadbeat asshole." I'm scared of talking to him but I'm also scared that he'd say nothing at all. However, if I had to choose between the two, I'd rather him just not say anything to me.

"Aren't you coming?" Sam asks, holding a shotgun full of rock salt. I look down to the my shoes, which are resting on a patch of long grass. There is actually a little bit of sand here; we aren't too far away from the beach. Oh, how I'd much rather be in the water than at this house.

I take a deep breath, and sigh, "Yeah, I'm coming." I keep my hand positioned on the knife on my belt. Who knows, I might need it. Dean finds that the front of the house is open. We cautiously look around the tattered front room, and then we knock on the door to the other room of the house.

"Dad? It's Dean and Sam," Sam says. I grip my knife tighter. The door swings open, and John smiles when he sees the boys. He hugs them and they all exchange the standard hellos, i.e, "We thought you were dead."

John then finally notices me and asks, "Who are you?"

"I'm your daughter. You know; the one you abandoned," I grit my teeth.

His eyes widen. "What?"

"I'm Lydia. Everyone calls me Lucy. I am the product of you screwing my mother. I see how you two got along so well; you both suck ass at parenting," I shake my head, filled with spite.

"I didn't want to aband-" he begins, but I cut him off.

"You deliberately left me and mom! I have no respect for you and that's the end of it! Now, please, just talk to the boys instead of me," I yell, walking back out to the car.

Well, that went perfect. (Note my sarcasm.)

I lean on the hood of the Impala, and then a breeze rolls toward me. I take a deep breath, and it smells so much like the ocean. God, I wish I was able to describe how much I wanted to get in the water. The beach is just so calming. Now that I've become a hunter, calmness is really all I could ask for right now.

You know what? Screw it. I need to fucking see the ocean. I grab my bag out of the car, and I run up the hill to get a good view. Once you get past the trees, you can see the coastline. All of the hotels and cheap souvenir shops. The people surfing and playing in the sand. It all reminds me that not everybody is evil, and not everybody even knows about what true evil is.

I sit down on the top of the hill and just take deep breaths as I watch the beauty of it all unfold. So what if I had a horrible life? Who cares if all I've known is evil? It doesn't mean that I can't grasp what beauty is. None of it means that I can't see beauty in Cas, in Dean, in Sam, in Alexandria...without them, I would be nothing.

I look down at my lap, and I take my knife off of my belt. It's a silver knife, and it looks a lot like a mirror. If I were to just stab myself right now, Sam and Dean and John could have a healthy relationship, you know? They won't have to worry about me hating John or about me ruining anything for them. I point the knife right over my heart. I know I won't actually stab my own heart, but I hold it there to ponder existential ideas. If I hadn't existed in the first place, how would things be different?

Stop thinking like that. I press the knife closer, causing me to think about what would happen if I really did stab myself right now. It would all be over, right? Wrong. I have to stay here for Cas. I like teaching him things; the boys really don't have the time to. He's my only true friend, so I can't leave him behind.

I realize that I'm gripping the knife with both hands. I take in a sharp breath, and I'm ready to just drop the knife, however, I am tackled from the side.