Escaping Hell

The Guilt of Compassion

After Ruby leaves to try to figure out more of what the demons are saying about the Lucifer situation, I am left alone in the kitchen of the house. I stare down at my hands, which are balled into fists at the moment. It's sad that my hands now make me feel as if I'm always carrying a weapon with me. Lucifer sure was an idiot for giving these powers to me; I'm too damn timid to even use them half the time. Although, it does make sense now, how these powers work. They don't work on demons because Lucifer doesn't want his spawn getting hurt, now does he?

"Hey, kiddo," Dean says, sitting down opposite me.

"Hey, Dean," I smile sadly.

"I still can't really believe you're here, but I'm glad you are," he says.

"Yeah, well, I can't believe I was dead. I didn't really 'go' anywhere. It just felt like I was asleep. And who knows? Maybe I was. Maybe I was dormant like a frog in the winter," I chuckle.

"No, Cas made sure himself. You were flat out gone. You were gone and there was nothing that he could do, that Ruby, Sam, or I could do," Dean sighs, "The whole thing was horrible. It's the kind of thing that you never see coming, and God, you can't do anything but hope that it isn't really happening."

"Yeah I know," I nod, "But every time something bad happens, you have to stop blaming yourself. It was my choice to come save you. It wasn't your fault that the shapeshifter kidnapped you, you know that, right?"

"You don't understand. I always feel guilty about anything and everything that happens to you or Sam. Sam wanted out of this life and I was the one that pulled him back into it. Look where that got us, Lucy. Here we are. Jessica is dead, dad's dead, you were dead, Sam died, I sold my soul to save him and then I died, along with a ton of other dead people. All that I do is bring death upon anybody who gets near me," Dean explains.

"No, I understand what it feels like to feel responsible. I will never know what it feels like to be you, but I know where you're coming from. When I ran away from home with Alex, I was the older one, so I naturally took responsibility for her. One night, when I was sixteen and she was fifteen, a pickup truck cut me off at a four way stop. Alex was in the passenger seat, and we t-boned the truck. After the impact we both got knocked out. When I came too, the truck had left and nobody was around. Alex was still unconscious. I had metal from somewhere stuck in my leg, my nose was broken and bleeding, my face was swollen and bruised, but I still felt like it was my fault that I let her be in the car with me. I so guilty for getting her hurt. I remember that when the ambulance arrived, they woke her up and she didn't need a stretcher. Surprisingly, she only had minor injuries. I, though, needed to have surgery on my leg and nose, as well as physical therapy for three weeks while my leg was healing."

"That sounds awful," Dean comments.

"I never again let her ride in a car with me. I trusted her to drive more than I did myself. She was always pissed about it, saying that my fear was irrational and that I shouldn't even worry about her since nothing really happened to her that day, but I would never listen. Guilt from that night consumed me; I always felt like that if she rode in a car with me ever again, a car would hit us and this time, it would be her instead," I finish explaining.

"I guess that's how I feel. Always living in fear that I'll get you or Sammy screwed over somehow," Dean replies.

"You need to get over yourself, Dean," I laugh, "and realize that Sam and I could leave any minute if we wanted to. We do this because we're committed to do whatever we can to kill some evil sons of bitches."

Dean smirks, "Okay, kiddo, okay. I get your point. But if you die again, I'm blaming you."

"Go right ahead," I smile.

"Lydia!" Ruby screams as she appears back in the kitchen.

"What happened?" I ask.

"I found out why Cas hasn't been responding," she says, out of breath.

"And?" Dean asks.

"Where is he?" I ask.

"He's being held captive by demons. They say they'll only release him if you hand over Lucy," she says.