***
'...but if destiny decided i should look the other way...'
Pagkabasa na pagkabasa ko sa status niya, nag sign out ako agad sa FB ko and nagpunta ako sa ibang sites para libangin yung sarili ko. And siguro para makalimutan ko na rin yung nabasa ko. But to no luck, hindi yun nawala sa isip ko.
I turned off my laptop and dumapa agad ako sa higaan ko.
So it's true...
He's in love.
And it's not with me.
I want to cry. But I tried my best not to. I've been wasting a lot of tears from the day that we broke up. And until now, even though I've cried tons and tons of tears already, it seems like there are still a lot of it in my eyes just waiting for me to let it flow.
It's been a year since we broke up. Most of the people who knew about our past think that I'm over him. I'm a great pretender, so I couldn't blame them. But the truth is, I'm hurting...
So much...
We broke up because according to him, I was being way too serious with our relationship. And he's not ready with it. Before he met me, he was the playboy type of guy. But according to him, he changed because of me. At first I didn't know if that was a good thing or bad. Yes he's not a playboy anymore, but there were things, good things, that also changed. Like his being friendly to others. When we got together, he became a snob. I didn't like it but I didn't tell him. His smile used to be for all people. But when we got together, it was just for me and for his real friends.
And a lot of people hated me for it.
Just like all normal couples, we had our fair share of problems and fights. But we always make sure that the day would not end unless we sort it out and reconcile. Ganun parati and nangyayari. But then one day, he just snapped. He told me that he's tired of everything. Pagod na raw siya sa pagtatanggol sa akin everytime na may mangaaway sa akin ng dahil sa kanya. Pagod na raw siya kasi it seems like naka-center na and mundo sa aming dalawa and he thinks that it's not healthy. Pagod na raw siya kasi every now and then, nagte-text ako kung nasaan siya, kung okay lang ba siya, kung kumain na ba daw siya. I'm his girlfriend for pete's sake. So it's just natural na magalala ako diba? Masyado na raw akong seryoso sa relationship namin. I didn't notice that I was being like that to be honest. I was just doing what a normal girl would do to the guy she loves. Pero hindi eh. Nasobrahan siya sa mga ginawa ko. So wala. We broke up.
I cried for two whole days and then after that, I acted as if nothing happened. People around me thought that I've moved on pero ang hindi nila alam, I'm just pretending. And I'm pretending for a year already. Pretending that I'm not hurting anymore; that I'm not in love with him anymore.
We're friends. I try my best not to make it look like I'm hurting. Every time I'm near him, I control my emotions. And nilalabas ko lang yun kapag nasa isang lugar ako na ako lang and walang ibang makakakita sa paghihirap ko.
Last week I visited his profile on FB. Actually, I always visit his profile. Stalker na ba masyado? I can't help it. I want to be updated of the things that's going on his life. Even though most of the time, nasasaktan lang ako sa mga nalalaman ko. Gaya ng nakita ko last week.
(http://walalangness.bravehost.com/index.html)
Ewan ko kung nagtatanga-tangahan lang ba ako or in-denial lang talaga ako na tanggapin na may iba na siyang mahal kasi basing on that conversation, obvious na obvious na may iba na siyang gusto. Pero binale wala ko nalang. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na wala lang yun. Trip lang siguro niya na magdrama ng ganun. But when I saw this,
(http://walalangness.bravehost.com/1.html)
dun ko na narealize na may iba na talaga siyang mahal.
I don't know the story. But basing from what I've read, he's in love with a girl na may ibang boyfriend. And because of that, he's thinking of forgetting the girl. Pero ewan ko. I was just basing from what I've seen. All I know is that nasasaktan ako ngayon sa mga nalaman ko. Akala ko maibabalik pa namin ang nakaraan namin. But all of it were just empty hopes and dreams.
Hopes that will never happen. Dreams that will never come true.
Konti nalang at tutulo na ang mga luha ko. Pero hindi pwede. What the heck? May class pa ako this 9:15am and hindi ako pwedeng umiyak kasi mamamaga ang mga mata ko. So I went to the CR and naligo na ako. The water always makes me calm. Siguro ganun din yung nararamdaman ninyo diba? But ewan. Iba-iba naman kasi tayong lahat.
So I went to school and entered my class in History. Yeah, yeah. Boring. But I forced myself na intindihin lahat ng sinabi ng professor ko para may iba akong maisip at hindi yung nadiscover ko kanina.
After that class, I called Jem Neri.
"Hey, where are you?"
Jem's my closest friend here in campus. Although marami akong friends, pero siya talaga yung pinakaclose ko. We click.
"Danna! Nasa benches in front sa SS building. Punta ko dito?"
Jem's voice is really cute. Sobrang girl na girl. Sometimes, naiirita ako sa boses niya. And she knows it. But what can I do? Boses niya yun eh. Alangan naman ipa-change ko? Impossible naman ata yun.
"Sinong nandiyan?" Jem is friends with Dixie. Mas una pa silang naging friend ni Dixie kaysa sa akin. Btw, Dixie... well, he's my ex. Dixie Glem Roa. I know, ang pangit ng pangalan niya noh? It's supposed to be Dixie Glenn. But according to him, sira yun pandinig ng nurse na nagsulat ng name niya. Akala daw nung nurse na Dixie Glem, so yun yung sinulat niya. Before his parents knew it, wala na silang magagaw kasi yun na ang nasulat. Sobrang pangbabae diba? That's life. You just can't have it all.
"A-andito si Summer."
"Summer? Who's that pokemon?"
"You don't know? S-summer is... Dixie's---"
I ended the call.
I don't want to hear what she's gonna say. Although I have a strong feeling kung sino siya.
I don't want to think about anything! Punong-puno na yung utak ko about Dixie. Saang parte ng utak ko, nakatatak yung pangalan niya. I'm tired of it! I just want to go someplace else na hindi ako makakapagisip ng kahit na ano tungkol sa kanya.
I ran to the library and went to the 8th floor. I was breathing hard pagkarating ko dun. Kung bakit kasi wala elevator. Pero hindi ko na inisip yun. Pumunta ako sa gilid ng floor and there, may isang maliit na door palabas. Paglabas ko, inakyat ko yung mataas na ladder. Mahirap akyatin yung ladder na yun for me kasi malalaki yung space na nakapagitan per step. And pagkarating ko sa itaas, nasa isang parang light house na ako. I can't fully describe the place. All I know is that it looks like a light house na walang light whatsoever.
Umupo ako then nag FB ako sa phone ko. Then nagstatus ako.
'Ouch. :('
And after that, I just let the tears flow freely. Ayoko ng pigilan. I just can't take it anymore.
By the way, I'm Danna Marie Ledesma.
And this is my story.
