I've been hurt. A lot. At alam ko ang pakiramdam kung paano masaktan ng paulit-ulit ng dahil lang sa isang bagay. At hindi biro ang lahat ng yun. I've suffered for a year. And durog na durog na ang puso ko. I'm starting to move on. But the question is,
how long?
Ilang araw ang hihintayin ko para tuluyan ng makalimot? Ilang buwan o taon ang masasayang just for these wound to be healed completely? Makakaya ko kaya? Darating kaya ang araw na yun? O susuko ulit ako at babalik na naman ako sa kanya? Kahit masakit, kahit paulit-ulit nalang, at kahit parang hindi ko na talaga kaya.
Ewan ko. Hindi ko na alam.
Hindi ko na talaga alam.
Last night's incident brought a batch of tears I never knew could ever flow. Umiyak lang ako ng umiyak hanggang sa hindi ko na namalayan na nakatulog na pala ako. Alam niyo ba yung feeling na tama nga yung ginawa mo, pero sa puso mo, gusto mo pang mag hold on? Gusto mo pang umasa na baka someday, magkakaayos kayo ulit at magkakabalikan kayo ulit. Aaminin ko, kahit sinabi niya sa akin na hindi na niya ako mahal, I saw and felt a chance. A chance that could make us correct the past and start a new chapter of our lives together. A chance to make our lost love bloom again; blossom again into something that we've known before. Something that would lead us to our happiness.
But I stopped myself.
Tinapos ko na ang storya naming dalawa. Hindi man happy ending, hindi naman ibig sabihin nun na hindi na ako capable na magmahal ulit ng ibang tao. Yung taong mamahalin rin ako. But you know, one thing I've learned from my heartbreaking experience with Dixie is that, even though that person doesn't love you back, if you know that he's worth your love, then you should still be happy. Kasi nagmahal ka. And that fact alone is something that has to be celebrated. You can't be in love with everybody. There really is someone out there that is destined for you to love.
One week has passed and hindi ko alam kung ano ang mga nangyari ng mga araw na yun. That week has been a blur. Can't remember even a single detail. I guess ganito talaga ang feeling ng pre-moving on phase in which for me, is acceptance. Kailangan pang mag adjust and all. And after this, everything will go with the flow and I'll just look at the world one day realizing that I've passed the moving on stage because I'm in love again.
Andito ako ngayon sa student lounge at nagi-internet sa laptop ko. Wi-Fi ang whole campus and you just have to register your laptop para maka avail sa free internet access. Now, I'm Facebooking. Or whatever the term is. One week din kasi akong hindi nakapag internet. Ang dami kong notifications and friend requests. Hindi ko na muna tinignan ang mga yun. Pumunta ako sa home and I saw the status of my friends. Then I saw a certain status that made my heart skip a beat. It was posted one week ago. Then eventually, I felt like I can't breathe. Na parang may tumusok na naman sa puso ko. Lumunok ako then I read his status. Dixie's status.
'Sometimes, you won't realize someone's importance not until that person's gone.'
Ang daming naglike at nagcomment sa status niya. Nagtatanong kung ano'ng nangyari at bakit niya nasabi yun. Or nag-aagree na yeah, tama nga ang sinabi niya. Sa part ko, hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin. He didn't post it just because he just felt like doing it. It may sound as if ang feeling ko masyado pero alam ko, may connection ang status niya sa nangyari sa amin one week ago. But I just ignored it. I went to my profile and typed a new status.
'I know, someday, I'll be able to love again. I should be happy. But what makes me sad is the fact that when I'm in love again, it's not with him.'
I shared it and I immediately logged out.
"Danna?"
I looked up and saw the face of one of my closest friend, Dan. By the way, kung nagtataka kayo kung bakit wala akong kasama at walang kumakausap sa akin, it just so happened na hindi ako lapitin ng mga tao. I heared feedbacks from my friends na mukha daw akong unapproachable. I won't change their views. They chose to judge me by basing on what they see and not on what they will see if they'll befriend me.
