Icy - John Mulaney x OC

3 - Don't Take It Personally, I'm Rude To Everyone

John took me to a cute diner near where the theater was. It reminded me of the story he'd told before, about the salt and pepper thingy, but this place was called Marti's.

John really liked to talk. That was fine with me, because I do not like to talk. I listened to him as he told me about something that happened the other day. I was fine listening, but then he stopped.

"Sorry, I've been talking so much. What do you do?" He asked, putting his hands on the table and leaning forward.

I didn't prepare for this. Suddenly I was really flustered. "I'm a computer programmer, I work at Microsoft," I said. Yeah! That sounded cool. I was cool. 

Why did I care so much? I honestly don't know. It had been so long since I made a new friend, if you could even call him that. I just usually stick with my small circle, and I like that.

He nodded. "Oh, that's cool. What do you have to do?"

I swallowed. "Oh, I just, you know, write code and fix my coworker's mistakes. What do you do besides comedy?"

"Oh, I used to write at SNL, now I do stand up and some acting.  Do you do anything specific?"

What??? Why would he gloss over the SNL thing like that?? He seemed intent on me answering, though, so I did. "Oh, yeah. I'm one of the senior programmers for Powerpoint."

"Powerpoint? That's big!" John said, his eyes widening. 

"Pff, not as big as SNL. Tell me about it!"

John looked like he wanted to say more, but I gave him a look I hoped conveyed all my 'please don't' energy, and he rolled his eyes, smiled at me, and started talking about comedy and stuff. I listened comfortably.

The waitress brought us our food. I took one bite and I swear I could've moaned in delight. "This is so good!" I said. "How do they make diner food like this!?"

John laughed at my reaction, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "It's a mystery." He said. "I couldn't tell you if I wanted to."

I smiled back at him. At risk of sounding like a teen girl who has a crappy photography account on Instagram, there are moments that I wish I could remember forever, and this was definitely one of them. I was eating the best food I've ever eaten in a cozy diner with a guy I think I was actually starting to become friends with. The only way this could get better is if, like Obama showed up.

"So," John said, after swallowing a mouthful of food. "Laura told me you like crappy horror movies."

I almost choked. Laura was talking about me? Of course, she was. "Did she? Why were you guys talking about me?"

"Well yeah," John said. "we wanted to choose a movie to see that you would like. It's only fair that everyone likes the movie."

I raised my eyebrows. "Why? I wasn't even going at first when you picked the movie." I said.

John's eyes widened and he coughed. "Oh! Yeah, it's just that I... We were hoping you'd come to the movies with us. Laura actually suggested it, she said she 'knew a good movie that was playing you wouldn't be able to say no to.'"

"Why do you want to go to the movies with me so much?" I asked.

"You're making me sound desperate," John laughed, waving his hand. "I didn't plan this, Laura suggested a movie, and then you also got invited to the movie. I am curious though. You don't seem like a bad horror movies type of person."

"I don't? My favorite is Motel Hell." I said. "I like the really old ones from like, the fifties and sixties, but Jason X is good too." Hmm, maybe I was overthinking, but I didn't like the way I had just said that. "What about you? What movies do you like?"

John thought for a second before answering. "I like older movies, well, older movies now. I like movies from when I was a kid, but I also like crime movies."

"Really?" I raised my eyebrows. "You don't seem like the type."

"Well my parents were both lawyers, so... oh!" He said.

"What?"

He pointed at a clock on the wall behind me. "It's 4:53! We're going to be late!"

I looked behind me. It was indeed 4:53. The theater was more than 10 minutes away walking. "I'll call a Lyft," I said, getting on my phone. Once the check was paid, we got into our Lyft and were driven to the theater.

John laughed. "Do you think Laura is going to be annoyed?" He asked.

I snorted. "Doubt it. She's always late for things. She's probably not even there yet."

John laughed. "You're right." He looked at me questioningly. "How did you two meet, anyway?"

"Oh, we met at a party in college," I said. "I don't really remember the specifics, I was very drunk."

"Really?" John asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"It's just, you don't really seem like the 'go to college parties and get wasted' type. I guess I just figured you stayed inside and studied all the time in college."

I raised my eyebrows. "Um, okay. Where did you meet Laura?"

John smiled. "You don't like to talk about yourself, do you?" He said it more like a fact than a question.

"Are you avoiding my question on purpose?" I asked, ignoring his statement. 

"I'm not," he said. "I was just making an observation. We've been talking for a while, and the only things I know about you is you like horror movies, you work, and you used to go to college parties."

"So I don't like talking about myself. We met two days ago, I don't have to give you my life story." I said defensively. Who was this bitch?

"You're right, you're right," John said. The car stopped, and he started getting out. He held out his hand to help me out too, but I ignored it and stepped out of the car myself. The curb was lower than I thought it would be, and I fumbled a little, but I got out. "So how long do I have to know you before you tell me that stuff?"

I opened the door of the theater and let John walk in before me. "I don't know, why would I know that?" I asked, following him in.

We got in line. "I'm not sure, I was just wondering. I- Two tickets for Jason X, please. Thanks. I thought it might be good information to know." He said, and I followed him to our seats.

"I guess." We were both quiet. Laura wasn't there yet, big surprise.

"I met Laura because I used to work as a temp, and she worked at one of the offices I temped at. I'm surprised she didn't mention me." John said, turning to me.

I scoffed. "I'm not surprised. You're not all that and a bag of chips." Eyes widening, I clapped my hands over my mouth. "I'm so sorry, that was rude."

To my surprise, John laughed. "Damn, Charlie!"

He didn't say anything else, and I really wasn't sure what to say, so I said, "I like bad horror movies because I think bad special effects are cute, I was a computer science major, I went to a lot of parties in college because I was in a fraternity, I like my work but it's really boring, I'm allergic to bees, people freak me out a lot, and I'm sorry about what I just said."

Shit! I thought. It was always one extreme or the other with me apparently, either I'm a rude asshole who doesn't talk or I'm.... whatever the fuck that just was. Fuck! That was too much. I shared too much, I know it.

John looked surprised, but then his expression softened into one I couldn't quite place. "Damn, Charlie."