Mature (book 2)

Chapter 16 - I'm complicated

We go with Lucas to the kitchen, "no"
I whisper to Shawn.

"What do you mean no?" He asks. "I didn't break up with him" I say. "Yet" I quickly add.

"What?" Shawn makes a face. "But I thought..." — "I'm sorry, I just couldn't. But I will. I promise" I say. "To break up with me last year you didn't have a problem...." he whispers as we sit down. I can't believe he said that.

"Shawn that's different" I whisper back. "How is that different?" He asks.

I look at him, wanting to kick his ass, I can't believe he is doing this to me, I still have feelings for Liam, and to be with Shawn is more complicated than to be with Liam.

If I'm honest I'm really afraid to be with Shawn, I'm afraid that Lucas won't accept it, and that I'll just reject him. Ok, ok, if I'm really honest right now, I'm afraid of falling in love for real.

I'm scared to be with someone that cares about me and I care about him so so much that I can't survive without them. And Shawn is that one guy, that makes me feel like that. When we were *together* last year, I was so happy. I literally felt happiness. So what if we were like dating for 2 days? It was truly amazing, and it scared the shit out of me.

So I decided to break it off before I could actually get attached. And then he said he loved me. And I said it back. And it wasn't that scary. But than when I really started to love him, I couldn't do it. It was way to scary so whatever way out that I had I took it. I was terrified to actually fall in love with him and be with him, what if he one day decides I'm not good enough for him, and he wants someone else, someone famous, or pretty, or cool, or not me. I can't deal with that.

I know I have feelings for Shawn. I know it in my heart. But I'm scared. I don't want to be with him, I mean, I do. But I don't.

Ugh fuck, I'm so complicated.

"Come with me" He says taking my hand vetting up walking away from the table, we go back to his room. We completely just left the table holding hands and everyone watched us walking away, awkward.

We walk into his room, he locks the door and we both sit on the bed.

"Tell me the truth. Do you want to be with me?" He asks.

OF COURSE I DO BITCH.

"yes" I say. "Than why aren't you breaking up with him already?" He asks.

"I'm scared" I say. I am scared, maybe I should just open up to Shawn and tell him how I feel?

"Of what? Of him? He wouldn't do anything to you" he says. "I'm not scared of him." I say.

"Than What is it?" He asks. it's time to be honest, you can do this B. "I'm scared of..." I take a deep breath, I'm trying to say the words. "You" I say. Fuck that's not what I meant.

"Me? You are scared of me?" He asks. He looks really confused. "That's not what I meant, I'm just, I'm afraid of falling in love with you" I say.

"Why are afraid of falling in love with me?" He asks. "Believe me I know, I'm not enough for you. There are so many better people for you to choose. And I'm afraid that we will be in a relationship, a real one, and I won't be enough, and you will break up with me, or I'll break up with you believe I'll be scared that you might break up with me. And i don't know, I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to really fall in love with you, because to move on from that.. I'm not sure I will be able to do that" I say.

"Why do you think  that you are not enough for me? You are everything that I want" He says. "I want you, not anyone else. And you are right, it is scary to fall in love, because whatever you just said you are afraid of, happened to me, I fell for you, hard. And you broke up with me, and I couldn't get over you. I didn't want to, I still don't want to." He adds.

"So what did you do?" I ask. "I fought for you, I'm kind of still trying. I need you, in my life. And just so you know, last year was the most sad and empty year I've ever had. And it was only because I was with you, and then you left. I fell for you, and you broke up with me. But I'm not going to let you go again." He says. And he leans in and he starts kisses me passionately.

"I love you" He says looking me in the eyes.

It's been 4 days. It's September 3rd, I haven't broke up with Liam yet, I met Shawn once after that dinner we had at his place, when he came over to hang with Lucas. It was really awkward after last time, to see him, and not kiss him, or be with him.

I want to just be with him already, but it's just.... ugh It's so hard to break up with someone, you have no idea.

I'm over at Liam's house, Liam made dinner, he is a really good cook!

"So.." we both say at the same time. "You go first" he says. "No it's fine," I replay.

"Ok, so I just received the tickets to the Shawn Mendes concert on Friday" he says taking them out of his pocket.

Holy shit, I forgot about that!!