deep, dark and dangerous

Gone

DEEP DARK AND DANGEROUS

 

CHAPTER 24

 

RYAN P.O.V

 

Today we were taking my mom off the machine and to be honest, I didn’t think she was going to make it. I sat in her hospital room as the doctor came in and told me what was going to happen.

“Once we shut the machine off she will either breathe on her own or she won’t. You’ll hear her heart stop and she will be gone.” I nodded my head. I was preparing for this for a few weeks now. I was prepared in whatever happened. I heard him click the machine off and tears sprung in my eyes. I was here alone. No one else really cared. The doctors soon left and I heard her heart slowly stopping.

“I’ll understand if you let go. It’s okay. Don’t worry about me. I have Jared and his mom and they take good care of me. If it were me who was living off machines I would have let go a long time ago so I understand if you do it now.” I sniffled trying my best not to cry. “You weren’t the best mother but you were there. I’ll miss you mom. Goodbye.” I cried I heard her suck in a deep breathe before her heart fully stopped and the breath caught in the back of my throat. I held her hand for a while just to let her know that I was there and I wasn’t leaving her. When I let go I called Jared.

“Hey.” He answered the phone.

“Hey.” I said back barely hearing my own voice.

“She didn’t make it.” He said before I heard his keys and the car door closing. I just sobbed into the phone. He didn’t say anything he just listened to me crying. I sat down and placed my head in my free hand trying my bed to stop the tears from flowing out of my eyes. I had just watched my mother take her last breath. I was alone when I saw this happen.

“She’s gone.” I sobbed once he was in the room. He also had tears in his eyes. Her body was very pale and still. It was a scary sight to see.

 

*FEW DAYS LATER AT FUNERAL*

 

“Standing here today is a very weird feeling. In the last couple of weeks I have lost three people who have meant more to me than anything else in the entire world. I prayed every night that my mother would pull through and make it but it seemed it was her time to go.” I said at her funeral in front of all of our friends and family.

“When my parents got a divorce, I took it the hardest. Both of my brother’s had already gone to college and were getting girlfriends. I was alone in taking care of a person who should have been taking care of me. I had to become an adult way before everyone else. My mother wasn’t the type of person to put anyone’s life before hers but that’s the type of person she was. When she met Paul, it seemed to get easier on her and she loved him more than anyone else. Mommy you held on for so long and I understand that the twins needed you. They were calling you home.” I wiped my face from the tears.

“I wish I could have been there for you when no one else was. Instead you turned to the bottle and your body had given up and it shut down. If I could have taken away your pain I would have. I often forgot that while I was growing up, you were also growing old. I was too wrapped up in my boyfriend and school and softball that I forgot you needed me just as much as I needed you. Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says:“You’re nowhere near ready.” And the other half says: “Make him yours forever.” Mom, Jared asked me what would I say if I knew you could hear me. I said: “I do know. I love you. God, I miss you, and I forgive you.” I forgave my mother for all she put me through because I put her through the same shit to her.