Night Terrors

4

Curtis' brain was scattered. In all his life he'd never been so utterly scared out of his mind by a single situation. The captain now not only knew deepest secrets now, but he had also taken action to correct his problems. It scared him, knowing that Shiro intended on doing something about the mess that was himself. He'd coped with a blade for so long, and now the lack of that relief was really getting to him.

As the older man had instructed, Curtis took a day off to sort things out. For hours he sat against a wall, staring at his scarred skin and wondering how he was supposed to fix all of this. He wasn't prepared to face the man he had been admiring since he landed a job on the atlas and have a conversation about how wrong it was to self-harm. But that was his escape, and without it, the weight was breaking him. He felt numb with all this stress and the incredible amount of self-loathing, and for a moment a terrifying thought went through his mind.

What would happen if I take all my pills? Will I finally fall asleep and never have to wake up again?

The orange bottle seemed to stare him down from across the room, taunting him and allowing an all to familiar voice to burrow its way into his brain again for the first time in years.

I didn't know I'd raised a coward.

Maybe we'd be better off not having to pay for your stupid medication to keep you from screaming like a child every night and just give you to the shelter!

If I'd known I was raising a fag so I woulda' gotten rid of you before you learned to argue with me.

Next time you go and try to kill yourself we ain't payin' for your hospital fees!

Get a job you useless faggot, stop laying in bed all day cause you say you ain't got the energy.

His dad's voice repeated these words over and over and Curtis regretted the thought. He held his head, shaking.

You're such a disappointment to dad.

No wonder he hates you.

Why can't you just sleep like a normal kid at night?

His brother's harsh voice joins into the chorus of hatred and disgust ringing in his ears, but a small voice quiets everything else as it whispers

Momma would have been so proud

A tear etched a trail down his cheek as he remembered his sister.

She loved you, Curt,

I know papa's mean to you, and so is your brother

But you were her little masterpiece

And you were the last thing that ever made her smile

Curtis broke down as he remembered his mother's smile and the many fond memories he had with his sister. She had been his escape before he left on the atlas. She applied at the garrison to and wanted to come on the atlas with her brother. But he thought it was too dangerous, and he told her to stay on earth. She was killed along with many other pilots during the Galra attack. He visited the memorial as soon as he could. Alone.

Many times it seemed there really was nothing else for him here. But looking at it now, he knew there was something. He had people on this ship that needed him to do his job in order to do theirs. He gave orders and he was an important part of the communications system on the atlas. He had to stay alive to do his job. He tore his eyes away from the pill bottle and stood up, rolling down his sleeves and walking into the bathroom. He stared into the mirror, looking for all the things he didn't like. And in that moment of absolute hatred for every quality of himself, he remembered something.

Somebody had told him once that the most important type of love was self-love. At the time he had thought it sounded quite selfish, but now he understood why. Without loving himself, how was he supposed to love and respect anyone else? In trying to make sense of it all it had slipped his mind that the very thing he needed to please others was to first be pleased with himself.

-- -- --

"Curtis Williams?"

Shiro nodded." I need his prescription records. You've been giving him medication for his night terrors, no?"

The doctor looked at her feet. "Yes, B-but that was supposed to stay between me and the patient... Who told you this?"

"He did. I heard him screaming last night. His meds aren't working anymore, and he hasn't been sleeping. Either you find another way to suppress the fits or we have to find a way to stop his night terrors."

"We don't have any other meds, but even if we did we can't keep giving them to him. If they're not working then its because he built up a resistance to them. I'm sorry, but we can't do anything about it. But with his history and how often he has to take the meds we expected this eventually."

"What do you mean history?"

"Curtis' medical records show three different hospitalizations for attempted suicide by overdose."

Shiro froze briefly, his eyes evidence to the heavy feeling those words set on his heart. But he quickly composed himself and nodded.

"Thank you for telling me. I'll let you get back to work."

After the captain left, the doctor turned to Veronica, who was sitting on one of the empty infirmary beds and motioned to Shiro.

"Curtis is lucky to have someone like the captain that cares so much for him. He's a troubled soul, the world's never been kind to him."

"I think he needs someone to love him like that. Some people desperately need that kind of thing. Maybe that's why Lance seemed to get along with him so well."