Night Terrors

8

Curtis awoke the next day in his dorm, Shiro had started bringing his meds to him so he could be more comfortable in the morning. He rolled out of bed and onto the floor, where he proceeded to stay for around 3 minutes before he noticed a paper laying by his door. He stood up and walked over, picking up the paper. It was a note, folded up into a neat square and addressed to him. He unfolded the piece of paper and read it.
"Stay away from Captain Shirogane. He doesn't deserve to be hit on by lowlifes like yourself. Keep to yourself or you'll become a distraction from his work."
Curtis dropped the note, face blank. His hands shook , and he stumbled back to his bed, sitting down. They knew. Some crew member on the atlas had found out that he liked Shiro. They had found out that he was gay. And now there would be no end to the gossip and whispers. He felt like laying down in his bed and never getting up, but unfortunately that wasn't an option. The brunette changed into his uniform, his hands would not stop shaking. As he walked into the main control room, he could feel several sets of eyes burning into his back. He tensed, and made his way to his seat on the right side of the room. As he sat down, he heard the girl next to him scoff quietly to the man next to her.
"Look who showed up, it's the faggot."
"He finally came back to work? I expected him to be in his sugar daddy's room."
The two laughed quietly, and Curtis looked away, staring at the control set. He looked to the back of the room to see another officer quickly look away, before he gave a disgusted stare.
He didn't hear the end of it all day.
"Faggot"
"Gay wad"
"What do you have against girls?"
"You're going to hell you know."
Finally, at the end of the day, he sprinted into his dorm and slammed the door, locking it behind him. Curtis sat against the frame of his bed, his knees to his chest, and held his head as the voices of everyone on the atlas played back in his head. The new voices were mixed in with memories of back home, of his dad screaming. Of being in this same position, locked in his room as his dad went on another drunken rage. His sister was always there to hold him when that happened. But now she was gone too, and it happened because of him. Because he didn't believe she'd be okay in a job like this. She was worse off staying in the garrison.
Curtis stayed curled up against the bed frame, and after the crying had finally stopped, all that was left was a longing. The lack of relief in the past few days had been nearly unbearable, and the only way he was coping was pushing his nails into his palms until they bled. He was addicted to the pain and the relief that followed, and without it he was only getting worse. Especially now that everyone seemed to think he was worthless and disgusting. He balled up his hands, the piercing pain finally quieting his racing mind. It was distracting, and that was exactly what he needed. He stopped when they started bleeding, and went to his sink to wash and bandage his hands. He was finishing wrapping his right hand when he heard a knock at the door.
It was Shiro with his meds, and he still had to bandage his other hand.
"One moment please!"
After Curtis finished with his hands, he opened the door.
"Hey."
"Hi"
Shiro handed him the meds and as he took them, the captain grabbed his hand.
"Curtis,"
His face darkened as he looked at the bandages covering the younger man's hands.
"Show me your hands."
The officer slowly unwrapped the bandages and showed Shiro his palms, looking at the floor.
"Why...Why are you so determined to hurt yourself?"
"Because I can't stand it. I can't go without it, the pain is a drug to me. It gives me relief,
it stops the unbearable tightness in my chest, it stops my hands from shaking, and it distracts me from my feelings. And I know you want me to stop, so do I. All I do is make people worry about me. But you have to understand some habits are too old to break."