Mental

38; an update on Yoongi

Yoongi fucked up big time.

And he knew he did.

Only one thing has been on his mind for months.

It was that he got too scared of himself and thought his sexuality was a phase.

He thought he was being ridiculous.

He was scared of people's reaction to who he "really was".

He didn't want rejection. He already had enough of that.

But, months ago he decided to be straight again.

He hurt Jungkook.

Because internally he was being selfish for his own wellbeing, he put himself as a better priority than the younger boy.

Everything ended with that fight they had.

Yoongi was so drunk when it did happen. He said things he didn't mean.

He remembered being punched in the face by Jungkook and stumbling onto his staircase. The younger one tried to snap him out of his weird behavior.

But then Yoongi started fighting back.

Though, Jungkook quickly held onto Yoongi as to hug him. Whimpering that everything would be okay as long as they were together.

Yoongi threw a swing to Jungkook's face in return and shoved him to the floor after that.

Yoongi remembered everything vividly. He kept yelling about how he hated the same gender and it was all a useless phase, that he was straight. That he was accepted and not some "fucking fag".

Ever since that fight, his whole being had gone downhill.

He was a heavy smoker now. An alcoholic. He abused himself daily.

Multiple times did he try to commit suicide.

But he figured one day he'd end it once and for all, for real.

He figured one day he'd have enough courage to really pursue it.

Yoongi knew why he kept living though. He kept going on because of Jungkook. Because maybe, just maybe, they'd find each other again.

Everyday he'd stay inside, his curtains and blinds always closed. He never allowed the sunlight in anymore. He hardly ate anything. He just kept smoking his cigarettes everyday.

Yoongi kept pondering on why he was such a dumbass, a fool, a fuck up.

Why did he have to end his relationship with Jungkook?

He liked boys.

But now, due to his actions, he had to keep a mask on as a punishment.

Because he couldn't just mumble to himself that he loved Jungkook so fucking much, his girlfriend was laying in bed right beside him at the moment.

He couldn't fucking sleep.

Every night he couldn't fall asleep for one damn second.

Even if his girlfriend cuddled him, it just wasn't the same.

He still kept Jungkook's plaid shirt though.

He was even wearing it in that moment.

He just saw nothing but darkness and the soft inhales and exhales from his girlfriend in bed.

Fuck. He began to cry.

Everything was so fucking misresble.

He had no friends, he didn't talk to his family, he didn't have Holly anymore, he didn't have his baby, Jungkook. /His/ Jungkook. He didn't have Namjoon, Seokjin, Jimin, Hoseok, or...Taehyung. No one.

All he had was himself.

Sure, he had his girlfriend, but he always felt so distant.

He was mentally and physically drained everyday. He wanted to die.

He lost so much weight, he was so small and boney.

He never exercised. He only got up to use the bathroom or possibly eat a very small bite of food, and drink water.

Other than that, he did absolutely nothing with his life.

What was there to do? He could go back to school but screw that.

He hadn't checked his phone in months.

So, he wouldn't be able to see Jimin's texts then.

His messy web of thoughts got interrupted by a soft whisper.

"Yoongi....?"

It was his girlfriend. Why was she awake?

"Are you crying...?" Her voice was laced with worry. He must have been crying loud enough for her to wake up.

"Ah- uh, no..no- I just think I got something in my-"

"Because you're worrying me..." She said a bit sadly, sighing as she sat up.

"I get scared something is going to happen to you because you never tell me what's wrong and I always worry if I've done anything wrong or not and if I have then I'm really sorry...."

Hearing her words made Yoongi's heart clench. Even though he didn't like girls sexually, he still loved his girlfriend as a person. She was really nice, he hated that his stupid emotions got in the way of her happiness.

He felt bad for making her worry. He felt bad for making her scared.

"S-Shh.. you haven't done anything wrong...." Yoongi's voice almost an inaudible whisper as he pulled her close and placed a kiss on her forehead.

"Okay...I just don't want you to be so miserable..I love it when you smile." She whispered, placing her head on Yoongi's chest.

Yoongi knew she loved him.

He /was/ loved. But..god, it's hard to explain.

She could feel jagged breaths while her head was on his chest. She knew he was crying.

Ultimately, she knew he was severely depressed. That hurt her so badly. She was trying her best to make him happy.

"I love you...." She muttered, planning on dozing off to sleep again.

"Love you too..." Yoongi replied.

He wished he was replying that sentence to Jungkook instead.

A/N: i wanted to say thank you to the one's who are voting 💖 THANK YOU SO MUCH UWU!!! one tap from you on that little star goes far!