Endless

Mistakes

ANGEL'S POV

Type a little tougher, you might even break a key, my subconscious snapped at me.

It had been a few weeks since the whole, 'Does Sage want a future with me?' debacle began — a conflict I seemed to be having with myself.

It bothered me more and more every single day, and I found myself growing more and more distant with everyone, especially Sage. We didn't fight; it was mostly me picking petty arguments because I was frustrated and didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. Sage was irritated with me, I knew that. But I couldn't help it.

I exhaled deeply when I heard a knock on my door. I pulled on a shirt, then answered the door to my friend.

"Hello, you moody bitch," Terry deadpanned, expression impassive. I rolled my eyes, plopping back down in my chair.

She strolled in and I jumped when she slammed the door behind her.

"Let's get to the point: you've been a dick for the past few weeks, and it's getting really fucking annoying. So let's chat." She crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently. I sighed, shutting my textbook when I realized she wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon.

"I don't want to talk about this, Terry."

"Do I sound like I'm asking?" When I didn't answer, she raised her eyebrows expectantly.

"Nothing's wrong," I mumbled, and she scoffed.

"Yeah, right. So you're just being an ass for no reason?" I huffed, hesitating, but my face inevitably softened and I looked down at my feet.

"I-I don't think Sage sees us going anywhere," I told her quietly, my voice barely above a whisper. She laughed in this way that made it seem as if that was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard.

"That's insane, Angel. He loves you, why would even say that?" She demanded, her tone quickly switching from humored to incredulous.

I shrugged.

"I asked Leo if he and Ben had any plans for their future," I began. "Sage seemed to think it was the craziest thing in the world, the talk of marriage. And it just got me thinking... what if... what if he doesn't see that with me?" I sighed sadly and Terry's eyes lowered at my words.

"Angel, you can't just assume you know what he does or doesn't want. And judging by the way he looks at you, or the way he talks and acts around you, I'd say he definitely sees a future with you." I shrugged, unconvinced.

"Do you and Carlos talk about marriage?" I inquired.

"All the time. We decided to wait until after we graduate, though, so we can focus on school," I nodded slowly, eyes falling.

"Sage and I have never talked about it."

"Angel. Just talk to him. You never know until you ask." With that, Terry stood, kissing me on the cheek. "Call me later and tell me how it goes." She bid me goodbye and left without another word.

I sighed, lying on my back and covering my face. After ten minutes of thinking — some very intense thinking — I stood and pulled my jacket on, followed by my slides with my socks. I stepped out of my dorm, locking it behind me.

Outside the building, the cold winter air nipped at my face and I exhaled, watching my breath permeate through the air.

I knocked at Sage's apartment, greeted by Ben.

"Hey, stranger. I haven't seen you all week." I smiled weakly, nodding.

"Yeah, sorry, I just had a lot to... do," I told him carefully. He shrugged, letting me in. "Is he here?" Ben nodded as I shrugged out of my jacket and stepped out of my shoes, and I thanked him before heading back to Sage's room. I waved at Leo when I passed him, and he smiled warmly.

I knocked softly on Sage's door before stepping in, finding him seated at his desk with headphones in, typing. He was on Google, I could see, but I wasn't really paying attention to what he was looking at.

I tapped him on the shoulder, and he practically jumped two feet in the air, slamming his laptop shut. I frowned, a bit taken back by his behavior.

"Oh... Hi, Angel." I quirked an eyebrow.

"What're you looking at?" I teased. His eyes widened.

"N-Nothing," he rushed out. I frowned a bit.

"Okay? Um, I wanted to talk to you..." He peered up at me again, surprise coloring itself in over his face.

"Really?" The pure excitement in his tone sent a sharp and sudden pang of guilt to my chest.

"Really." I turned his swivel chair towards me, pulling him up and to his bed. He sat on the top, near the pillows, while I sat in front of him, watching his uncertain eyes.

"You're not... breaking up with me, are you?" He blurted out, eyes nervous. I widened my own, and that feeling of guilt only grew as I gazed into those big innocent greens, all sad and scared.

"No! No, of course not." He let out a breath of relief and relaxed.

"Thank the universe," he muttered. I smiled weakly, cupping one side of his face. Maybe this won't be so bad. "What did you want to talk about?" I let out a deep breath, suddenly anxious again.

"You know how you, Leo and I were all talking about Leo and Ben getting married?" I started, and he nodded. "Well... you seemed really... oh, how do I put this... turned off by the idea," I decided, and he scrunched his face up in confusion.

"I seemed turned off by... marriage, you mean?" I nodded, nervous. He reached over into his nightstand and pulled out a bag of peanut m'n'm's. "I'm not turned off by marriage, I just don't think we need to be worrying about something like that right now. I mean, we're barely in our twenties, why are we thinking about that already?" He shrugged, popping a candy into his mouth. His expression was casual, but his tone was accusing and it made me uncomfortable.

"I mean, I'm just saying what it seemed like," I mumbled.

"Well, why does it matter if I am?" My eyes narrowed.

"Why does it matter if you're turned off by marriage," I repeated, though not as a question. He nodded and I scoffed, rolling my eyes. "I don't know, maybe because that's kind of where I thought we'd eventually end up at some point." My voice is shaking. I did not want to cry.

"Angel, where is this even coming from?" He asked, exasperated.

"What sucks is that all I can think about is one thing at this point: what the hell are you doing with me if you don't even see us going anywhere? Why are we doing this?" I pointed between us as I tried to relax.

"Angel—"

"You know what? I'm just going to go. This was a mistake." As I turned to leave, his voice stopped me in my tracks.

"This conversation was a mistake, or us?" I turned to look at him again. His eyes were flooded with pain, and I couldn't help but crave to go back and kiss him, kiss the hurt away. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. Not this time.

Instead I sighed, hand on the doorknob.

"I need some space, Sage. Okay? Can you give me that?" I asked, looking him directly in the eyes. He stared at me, disbelief and hurt clear as day on his face. It was hard to look at him for longer than a few seconds without wanting to fall to my knees, so I averted my gaze to his bed.

"Angel, can we just talk about this more?" He pleaded, voice desperate and sad. I closed my eyes, swiping away a tear that escaped.

"There's nothing else to say." I turned and left without another word, walking past Ben and Leo in the living room, ignoring their stares and calls as I hurried out of Sage's apartment.

I couldn't l go back to my dorm — I didn't know if Carlos was there, and I didn't want to give him an explanation — so I just walked. I walked and walked and walked, until I found myself standing at a storefront. I watched the red lights flash on my face, lighting up the plaza each time it did.

LIQUOR.