Living Dolls

22Ernest

There were some times where I forgot everything. All I've been through, all I've suffered, and this was one of those times.

Getting to wake up and see Irene's sleeping face.

Right there, in reach, right in front of me. It was really something else, it was really nice.

It was all nice, until everything quickly shook. It was quick, and everything, the bed included, rattled to the side. Irene's eyes snapped wide open, and both embarrassed and aggravated, I closed mine and buried my face in my pillow with a groan.

Always had to break everything, didn't he?

I sat up in bed with a groan, rubbing at my sleep infested eyes. My sleep was never all that good, especially at night when I was supposed to sleep, and it's only gotten worse. In between all that goes on during the day and the stress of that, I was always so tired.

Oh, well, guess it was preparing me?

Irene, though, was going by the opposite. She wanted to get as much sleep as she could before it was time. Despite that, she dealt with wakeup time better than I did. I heard her tired sighs and mumbles of weariness, and I was still groveling and rubbing my face when I felt her arm on my leg.

With her voice still in sleepy mumbles, she told me, "You were talking in your sleep again." I opened my eyes, stunned, and before I could ask her to go on further, she chuckles, "I was probably humming in mine, too, though."

Fighting off a smile, I asked, "Oh? You were asleep when you were doing that?"

"No." She admitted.

We hurried to get into a change of clothes, but I found myself taking much too long as I stared down at my exposed hips, not yet pulling my shirt down as I stared. Both sides were scarred up to hell and back.

The left, a little bit higher up, was a discolored, much paler circle of a thin gap. It dipped in a little into my flesh, and there was still some old scratch scars all surrounding it. How long has it been since the first one? Thirteen years? Wow.

The right one was just barely healed, but it still hurt all the same. A thick, curved, bumpy line of red, spreading to my front and back. Irene said it was a miracle that it didn't impact my bones, and I was inclined to agree. In that moment, when Julien closed his jaws at me, it really did feel like everything quite literally snapped, and I remember expecting to be put into two.

I've had a lot of broken bones, even before all this. I've been punched, I've been kicked, I've been hit, I've been shot. The broken bones, fractures, sprains, bruises, those went away. They happened so much I couldn't count, but they didn't mean all that much to me, they went away. Even the bruises painted all over me from that day, they're gone, too.

But, these...

How was I supposed to forget when all the memories were forever engraved on my body?

"Hey," Irene's voice pulled me out of it, having just changed into her new set of clothes. Hands still at tugging down the collar of her blouse, she blinked over to me, "Is everything alright?"

"... Yeah," I set my jaw and pulled down my shirt, nodding, "Everything's fine."

After slipping on my jacket, we left out the room but I stayed behind for a bit to check up on Heide, telling the rushing Carmen that I could get her. I didn't hear her get up early like she usually did, and sure enough, when I entered, she was sitting in her bed, wiping at her eyes.

Standing at her door, I still knocked at it, "C'mon, time to get up and eat."

"But, I'm tired..."

"I know, I know..."

Standing up with a stumble, she looked off towards her drawers, "I still need to get dressed..."

"You can get dressed after you eat, come on." I told her, and she, fortunately, let it go and, with a yawn, lumbered over to me. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and led her down the stairs.

Once we got to the first floor, she mumbled, "You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Limping."

Oh, I guess I was. Though the stitches were gone and I didn't have to bandage, it seemed that there was still gonna be some long-lasting problems, as Irene said. Not enough to damage bone but apparently close enough.

"I don't think it's that much," I mumbled, and Heide rolled her eyes. "Is it?"

"Well, no, it's actually pretty minor, but it's still there..."

I frowned, "I know, I know. We'll see if it goes away." I pushed the door open, taking careful looks around. There was already the heavy rumbling steps of Julien coming back and forth in his moves to get ready before we got out here, but he wasn't in the room. Probably went off to get some more stuff real quick.

Already set on that, with my arm still around the stumbling and sleepy Heide, we had just made it down on the table when Julien entered the room again. Just having him nearby made my blood run cold, and I swore I felt Heide tense up.

The second he entered the room, he looked right over to me, and I felt even more cold, this familiar feeling of dread at someone's existence in the same space.

A side of me thinks I should have let Heide go as to not draw too much attention to the both of us, but the bigger side only held onto her tighter and walked quicker, bringing my eyes down.

"Morning, you two." He sounds a bit breathless, and I can sense the smile on his face. "What's wrong? Heide, you alright?"

I grabbed her even tighter, only making her tense up more. "She's sleepy."

"And so am I...?" Julien said sort of confused, and rushed right over. Heide and I jumped, stepping right back when he dropped some more food at the center of the table, "I almost overslept, so I didn't get to make much food. Hurry and eat."

Once he turned off and went back out of the room, we hurried over to everyone else. Heide took the space between me and Carm. I watched continued to watch his entrances and exits with an uneasy frown, "Just what was he doing that got him so late, huh? Heide?"

She mumbled, "He was just with his friends... And, that." She pointed over to his room, and confused, we all (albeit a still much too sleepy Kyle, that is) looked over, and the only thing I found different was a thick scrapbook and a jar glass filled with strips of paper. Confused, we each gave her a funny look. "Tiffany gave him that."

I already spotted Carmen tensing up, going red with anger, and I didn't like it, but I still had to press on, "What is it?"

She lowered her hand, "I don't know..."

Wiping her mouth, Irene quickly told her, "It's okay, sweetie."

Still looking tense from the mere mention of her cousin, Carmen leaned closer, "You still have to tell us what happened, though-"

"It's fine, Heide can wait awhile."

Carmen scrunched up her nose in irritation, and Heide looked at me. Their looks at each other and their seemingly silent communication kind of unnerved me, especially now as I stiffened and went back to eating.

Julien was even more in a rush when he came back, hurrying to get dressed and put everything in his backpack. "I have a long practice today, so you guys remember to make something to eat while I'm gone!" He went from nagging us to only use that food for emergencies (apparently, having no lunch and sometimes even dinner wasn't an emergency), to actively giving us more food and telling us to make our own stuff while he's gone. "Especially you, Irene! Eat all the stuff I got you, and Ernest, you better make it for her!" He was almost dropping all the stuff he was stuffing into his backpack. I couldn't help but flinch back when he rushed over, grabbing hold of the closet door, "Okay, see you guys!" He didn't even wait to finish his goodbye before pushing it nearly shut, rumbling everything. Still shaken from all that, we just held our breath until we heard his power steps out into the hall, and the slamming of his door.

Somehow, I already knew he was gonna come back stressed. It was beyond me why they had them out practicing in such a cold climate. Plus, he was out late yesterday, I'm not too sure if he made his curfew, so...

We headed back inside the house, Carmen pulling along Heide quickly upstairs, and Irene was already looking forward to some more sleep, "I just want a couple more hours." And I jumped when she drew her hand along the couch as she walked.

I hurried over to her, touching her arm, "Hey, then you could go up to bed, it's not comfortable up here." I already heard Kyle's snickering behind me, and though I was embarrassed, I still went on, "Go sleep up in the room, it's warmer and more comfortable there."

She looked behind me and smiled at whatever Kyle was doing, which made me even redder. Looking back at me, she furrowed a brow, "What about you? Don't need any more sleep?"

"I'll be down here reading up. Don't worry, you need the room on the bed." I always found myself on the verge of falling off the edge, it wasn't a big enough bed. "I'll wake you up with a snack."

She snickered behind me again, and aggravated, I quickly looked over, but Kyle was covering his eyes with a smile. "Yeah, alright. Don't get hurt while I'm gone." She turned around, and at just me taking one step after her, added, "I can get up on my own."

Dejected, I stood there, waiting until she reached the top of the steps before turning around and glaring at the silently snickering Kyle.

"What would you do without her?" He brought up that question he asked years ago, and when we locked eyes, it was clear to me that he knew exactly what he was doing.

Playing along, I scoffed and plopped down on the couch, reaching over for one of the books I was reading yesterday. "What the hell do you mean?"

He didn't continue playing along from that old conversation, much to my already flustered embarrassment. "Are you understanding all the big words?" He teased, wheeling his way over into the living room across from me. I groaned. "Or... Anything at all?"

Admittedly, it was still difficult for me to read, curse my lack of education. "I would say no, but Irene says it'll be near impossible for me to understand everything, so there!" Scowling, I flipped through the pages, trying to find where I left off.

"Don't bring the book so close to your face..."

"It's easier for me to see like this!"

He sighed, "Someone needs glasses." And I rolled my eyes, beginning to get annoyed by how sassy he was getting this early when he was just dozing off minutes ago.

Just a few sentences into reading, I already felt a little sick. There was always this fear hanging behind me when I went through this stuff. "Well, I have to get this stuff in my head somehow. Never thought I'd have to read, but I never thought I'd have any kid in my life, mine or otherwise."

Kyle sort of hesitated, "Luise would never want a kid?"

I froze a bit, and had to blink a couple of times to gain myself again. "Lu... Luise." I set the book down just a bit, looking over at him. "I..." It was just weird for me to imagine her again. I've been so occupied thinking about everyone here, the baby included, I had to get used to her lingering in my mind again. "N... Nah." I snickered, shaking my head, "Definitely not. Maybe when we were younger, she had bad taste in men, so-"

"Are you talking about the guy that put you in the hospital?"

"Oh my God, yes, Kyle!" Usually, he only picked on me like this when there were others to laugh at me, but it was just us. "She just stopped getting in relationships, and I'm sure having to raise me made her hate the thought of raising another small human, so probably not. So, I never had any thought of kids being around in my life, it was just the two of us in the family and I was the baby, so..."

Kyle shrugged, "I understand that. Same thing here. I'm still virtually the baby in my family."

"You don't think your brother or sister will have kids?"

He choked out, "Oh, no, any kid of Ezekiel's will die!" I couldn't help but cover my mouth, spurting out a laugh. "I mean, don't get me wrong, he's good with kids, but he travels way too much and can't even take care of a pet, he always ends up giving them away."

"And your sister?"

"To be honest, I always thought she hated me because she would actively say she hated kids when I was the only kid in her life, so, definitelynot." That was brutal.

"Your parents are fine with not having grandkids?"

"I mean, I guess, but I'm sure they actually do want grandkids, they're just not gonna badger us about it."

"So, you're not gonna have kids, either?" I asked, already knowing the answer, and he just cringed. "Well, remember, you're gonna have to be babysitting this kid pretty often."

"No offense, but leaving me to take care of a baby is-"

"Perfect."

"Actually, no-"

We stopped when we heard steps down the stairs. Confused, I look back, seeing Carmen dragging Heide down by the arm with an annoyed pout, and I was willing to bet they retreated down here after making too much noise for Irene.

I easily returned to Kyle and I's conversation, gesturing over to the two young girls, "Like these only children."

Carm already sounded offended, "Excuse me?"

"Easy, Carmel. We're just talking about how you two are only children." I said. Huffing, she was already starting off outside, and I was quick to turn, "Hey, hey, where are you two going?"

As I assumed, "We don't want to wake Irene up, so we'll talk outside-"

"Why not talk right here?"

She cried out, "Because you guys are talking about how we think I'm an only child!"

Kyle was always so scared of hurting anyone's feelings but mine, I swear, "We weren't talking about that! We were just talking about how we were the kids growing up and Ernest just now used you guys as another example, that's all!"

Flushing, she scowled down at her feet, and it was Heide who, with her arm still being held onto, tugged Carmen along into the living room. Carmen frowned as she was led to sit down on the other couch with Heide.

Honestly, I was still sort of thinking of what she said, "Wait, how we think you're an only child?" I laughed, "We know you are."

She shrugged with a sneer, "I wouldn't be surprised if my Pops screwed some other people over, you don't know."

For a split second there, I kind of panicked, not knowing whether to joke or say something serious. Fuck. I settled for something a little in between, "Well, even if he did, you're still an only child." I chuckled, "If you don't grow up with them, then you can't really see them that way."

"... True."

Putting on a nervous smile, I looked back down at the book in my hands.

I was beginning to get relieved that we can move past the Father talk, but damn it all, and I mean seriously, damn it all, Carmen looked over at Kyle and asked, "You never talk about your dad."

Kyle paused, squinting, before laughing nervously, "Well, there's not really much I can say. He was never too mean or too nice, so..." Again, right when I was hoping they were gonna keep this conversation to themselves, he just had to bring me up, "Ernest likes to think that my Dad is on Ewald's level."

I rolled my eyes, "Because they're both some rich old guys."

"He's..." Kyle hesitated for a second, before sneering, "He's nothing like him!" Frowning at me, he said, "Just because he's known and respected doesn't mean he's like that, Ernest."

"I know, I know."

"You think your Dad is like that, Heide?" At hearing Carmen's question, I got uneasy fast. Kyle and I instantly looked over, and as expected, Heide's eyes were narrowed, demeanor tense. Carmen wasn't even looking at her, she was just looking down at her hands as she twiddled her fingers. "Or, what about your Mom?"

Before, we knew little to nothing about Heide's past and background. She didn't talk about them, she didn't remember what they worked as (other than, "They talked to people over the phone and read papers a lot." Which seemed pretty generic to us. Though, I was able to gather that it must have been a higher paying job, judging from her description of her home), or even her last name. Truly, I had thought, finding her family would be a little more difficult.

Carmen told us and insisted that Heide's parents, the Ebners, were lawyers, the both of them, and that Julien himself confirmed such to her. I had no way in hell of knowing how and why Julien would know such information.

Heide was starting to shake, eyes in a haze, "I... I don't know..."

I couldn't help but sit up and quickly say, "It doesn't matter," With my hands already shaking. "Whatever he thinks, I'll be sure to-" And Carmen gave me a look. I know she wanted Heide to open up more about that, but it physically pained me to see the girl so upset.

Heide narrowed her eyes, shaking her head a bit, "I... He... They... Never brought up any of that stuff so... I don't..."

Kyle looks just as pained as I am, because he jumps for the opportunity, "Then they're probably like my parents!" He blurts out, and Heide looks up at him. Forcing a smile, he says, "They'll help you with whatever you choose. Right?" And she nods.

Still scared of Carmen pressing further, I say, "She doesn't need to worry about that right now."

After a roll of the eyes, she turns to me with a cocky smile, "Well, what about you, Ernesto?"

I narrow my eyes at her, "What a low blow." And she snickers, sitting back in her seat. "All I got to say about him, he was a - sorry, Heide - he was an asshole. All he wanted from me was to play baseball."

"Pft, I'd pay to see you play." Carmen said, and I snickered.

"He was strict about that, too. Did you know? One time..."

Kyle covered his eyes, "Don't..."

"I got a strikeout, and so after the game, my Dad pulled me away, took a bat, and broke my arm and rib, and then had the nerve to get mad that I couldn't play for months after that."

Carmen suddenly wasn't smiling anymore, and Heide looked aghast.

Nervous and embarrassed, I looked down, wetting my lips.

You know, when Irene suggested I open up and talk about this more, I thought it would help. It didn't. It was just happening all over again, me hating those parents of mine even more.

I blinked down at what was in my hands, "...That's why," I lift up the book. "I'm actually starting to read shi - stuff. Even before this, I was able to learn hurting kids in anger was wrong, so-"

"But," Heide said, voice back to how I was used to, "You would smack me upside the head all the time!"

Fuck!

---

Julien was late.

Really late.

Okay, he had soccer practice, which should have ended at about a quarter past four. Okay, he probably went out to treat himself to some burgers or pizza, but...

It was eight now.

Where the hell was he?

Trying to shake away these thoughts, I continued to cut up the apple slices over at the kitchen counter. Meals were still pretty limited when it was all up to us, since we didn't have much to work with (we had a bigger battery powered fridge out back, but it hardly did any justice, and we needed more warm food).

As I placed the pieces on the plate and put some peanut butter in the middle, I called back, "Seriously can't wait to eat your food, Kyle. Same goes for you, Carmel."

Kyle sighed heavily, "Honestly, I don't see the point of you looking so forward to that, because you literally eat anything."

Carm joined in, "You could get him a great prime rib and he'd just go for the bone."

Was this Gang Up On Ernest Day, or what?

"Food is food!" I retorted, picking up the plate and going behind the couch, leaning far over and setting the plate down on the small table in front of her, and I damn near melted when she thanked me. "I'm not picky like you two." Heide was already moving closer to take an apple slice, which Irene allowed, but I slapped her hand away when she reached for the peanut butter. "No, Heide! You already ate, just take the fruits, not the sweets."

Scrunching up her nose, she settled with the apple slice and went back to sit with Carmen.

Irene took her piece, dipping it in the peanut butter, and giving me a smirk, "You just hit her again." To which I groaned, "Kidding."

"How are you kidding?" Heide sat back, "He did hit me!"

I wanted to say something along the lines of, I had to, or you should have known, but both left a bad taste in my mouth, so much so I actually gagged a bit.

"Eat." Irene shoved an apple slice right in my face, making me jump back. Confused, I took it and just stared, to which she sighed, "What part of eat don't you understand? You should at least take one."

I did so, speaking through my chewing, which I was sure didn't please her the slightest, "You should be eating most of it since I didn't get to make that shake I was supposed to." I had just found out we ran out of mangos when I was supposed to start it.

She scoffed, already finishing the peanut butter as she dipped the slice in, "I managed five months without satisfying my cravings, I can go a day."

"That's not what you were saying last night..."

She narrows my eyes at me, and Kyle stops his reading, spurting out a chuckle. "What?"

"Nothing." I looked away quickly.

She was still definitely giving me that annoyed look of hers by the time I turned back to her with a smile. Sighing, she rolled her eyes, "Fine. I've suffered long enough."

"I mean..." I shrugged, already accepting the fact that Heide ratted me out in full detail last month (she had been telling Irene about my stealing the honey, but no one believed her until she confronted the issue, full serious mode, and then I was hated), "If anyone was going crazy on cravings, it was me. Oh, and Heide." And the young girl looked up again with narrowed eyes.

"And you kept denying that, can't believe you..."

"Is it true that if, say, you eat too much peanut butter, then our kid will be obsessed with peanut butter?" It was probably her most, or more accurately, her most accessible, craving.

"What the? Did you read that from the books?"

She was the one who read the most nutrition books, "No, but Luise told me my Mom used to go for anything honey, and look at me now." Same went for smoking, but of course, I've been off by force. "So, I just thought..."

"... Yeah. It does affect it." She admitted, and I spurted out a chuckle, "But hey, here's an apple!"

"The sweeter, green ones though..."

It felt so nice having Kyle on my side again in this, as he covered his face with snickers. Going red, Irene turned right to him and started questioning his smiles, and comforted, I sat back.

That was the best way I could describe being with them. So nice. No "meetings", none of that, it was just enough to remind me that I have a new family.

So, why did my fear and dread feel so familiar when the door out in Julien's room slammed right open?

At the explosive, booming sound, we all jumped right up, violently flinching. We just did it again when, not only did Julien stomp heavily into the room, but let out a growling scream that was likely trailing off, "... DAMN SON OF A BITCH!"

My blood ran cold.

"NOTHING! I CAN'T DO NOTHING!"

It felt like I couldn't breathe.

Putting her hand on my chest, Irene tried to talk to me, but I could barely hear her. Even when Julien momentarily stopped his shouts, for some reason, all my senses were only really able to take in what was happening right outside, and I couldn't even move.

He was pacing back and forth, footfalls still heavy, as well as his heaving, panicked and angry breaths. I was starting to shake from the anticipation of something awful happening, and I knew that Irene was definitely trying to say something to calm me down.

Whatever she was saying or willing to do for me was already proven futile though, because, with another frustrated groaning cry, Julien stomped closer over to the closet, "DAD!"

Boy, was I fucked.

Through my fogged up vision, I could see everyone was looking at me, panicked, and Irene's buzzed out voice got louder, but I still couldn't make anything out, especially as the closet door was slammed right open, making everything in here shake just as much.

Fucked.

"ERNEST! Ernest, Ernest, Ernest!" His hand had to have slammed down outside, because there was another shake, and the book on the table in front of me tumbled down to the floor. "Get out here! I-I want to t-talk, I-I..." And he was starting his upset little hiccups.

But I didn't. I was already sweating a ton, and my ears were all plugged to everything around me. So much so, that I felt that pathetic tickle in my eyes, and it only made everything a hell of a lot worse.

I could barely see it from my fogged up vision, but when I saw the moving from the corner of my eye, I looked up instantly, everything getting more clear. Having stood up from her seat, with a look of anxious aggravation, Heide storms right out of the living room and to the front door.

No.

I got right up off the couch, my ears unplugging and the sound entering my ears, and hurried right after Heide. "No, Ernest, Heide, come back!" Finally catching up with her, right in front of the door, I grabbed her by the shoulders. Stunned, she looks back at me, and I simply hurry to turn her back around to the living room, then out the door before I could dwell too much on the heaviness in my chest and Irene calling my name.

My breath got heavy in panic when I exited the house, turning over to close the door. I could hear it right behind me, high up, Julien's heavy breathing that somehow lessened when he took notice of me. Still, I kept my hands at the door, not wanting to turn around, already feeling so exposed as it was already.

"Er... E-Ernest..."

God, he was just always in crying mode, wasn't he?

Or was he like this before? Most likely. He always had some fits here and there, whether from being berated by Dad or some sad movie or something, I don't know, but he tried to keep to himself. Not anymore.

With that same heavy feeling of dread painfully inside me, with my hands still on the door, I turned around, and there the boy was, already looking right at me with his puffy eyes. His face was also red, whether from the cold outside or his anger, I don't know. Both hands planted hard on the table, hunched over and making it just as dark as it was with a mostly closed closet door, he just stared at me, heaving with ragged breaths.

In just a second, it all became warped. His eyes narrowed, teeth clenching, and he brought his hands over to me.

Flinching, my heart just about dropped, but in between a blink of my eyes, Julien stopped reaching over. Right in front of the porch, his hands ready to definitely tear me apart, they stayed there, before clenching into fists in trembles. Groaning loudly, Julien brought them over his chest. He sounded like he was physically restraining himself, "I..." His voice was just as shaky, too, "I'm so MAD!"

"... O... Okay..." I mutter, nervously watching his clenched up hands.

He turned over to the side, running his still shaking hands through his hair, and I was honestly just still trying to get my heart to calm down. "Here." He tapped at the stairs, and I thought he was almost gonna break them for a second. "Get down here!"

You're gonna grab me anyway. Might as well feel he's doing it right, huh? I steadied my breathing, before going down the steps.

Just as I predicted. I didn't even make it down half the short amount of steps before, in a flash, he grabbed me in between his thumb and index finger.

From the shock, I spat right out and wheezed, but he didn't dwell too much time on it, of course. Despite everything, he still remained as absent-minded, especially once Kyle and I "healed". Not knowing his own strength was fine, but disregarding our reactions was not.

With his remaining fingers curling around me from behind, and letting me dangle from the side, he went over to his bed, stomping the entire way with a final large one when he got up on the platform.

"Ernest, I swear to God..." With that tone, it sounded like I was gonna have the life ripped out of me. "Ewald is angry with everything I do." Oh, thank God.

He plopped right down on his bed, and I was just holding my breath because I was still fearing getting hurt further. On his stomach, with his arms crossing, he set me on the one further away from him, but I couldn't hold myself. Letting out an embarrassing hiss of a cry, I tried to grab hold of his sweater but ended up falling right back, tumbling backyard to his other arm and then down some more onto his bed covers, having tumbled so much I went face first.

I could hear Julien craning his head down to look at me, but I was just blinking rapidly, face red up against the blanket underneath me. Grimacing here in the dark, I grabbed hold of the covers under me and tried to raise myself up.

"... Pfft," Julien snickered, "That's so sad."

Letting out a heavy breath, I was just starting to pull myself together when everything got even darker and, dare I say it, warmer. In my confusion, I had just managed to blink once before I felt it hit my back.

Teeth.

My eyes shot wide open, the blood rushing to my face, and my heart immediately goes haywire.

The two sets of jaws closed right against my back, grabbing hold my jacket, and I already felt the saliva dripping through my clothes and to my skin.

FUCK!

"NO!" I screamed, grabbing the covers further in front of me and trying to crawl away, but I found myself being lifted up from his teeth's hold on my jacket. Panicking, I kept trying to reach for the zipper, "NO NO NO NO N-!"

I was barely even lifted up before he released me, on his wrist close to the back of his hand, with his other arm high in front me. Still in panic mode, I tried to get out, reaching over his arm and trying desperately to get over it.

"H-Hey, what are you doing?"

I found my thoughts escaping my lips in frantic whispers, "N-No, no no n-no no..."

"Dad, what's wrong?"

I stopped.

My arms were already over his arm that had lowered itself considerably, but I stopped trying to get up it. Breathing still heavy from my earlier panic, and my skin still crawling from the saliva on my back, I just stayed there, my knees giving in and falling back down onto the back of Julien's wrist.

Julien's breath got heavier on my back.

"No... Nothing." I muttered, shivering and burying my face into the sweater of his arm, "I-It's nothing..." Bullshit.

Just why did he have to call me that?

He started the day after we had that stupid talk, and it honestly killed me. It really, really killed me.

There was a long string of silence, in which I felt Julien's eyes boring onto my back. With a heavy breath that again washed over me, he lowered himself closer to me, and I just closed my eyes tighter.

"I wanted to talk." He muttered, and before I could ask, he scoffs, "I can't go a single day without Ewald getting mad about something."

Mumbling against his arm, I asked, "What happened?"

"A lot of stuff. A lot of stuff that he couldn't be satisfied to just call me about it, he got me all the way to his office for almost three hours and-"

I repeated my question, voice almost coming out as a croak, "What happened?"

He stammered, "I... Everything! He gave me permission yesterday to go out, even when I told him in advance that I was g-gonna be home pretty l-late... B-But, he still got mad that I was late! He kept sh-showing me the security footage of me at the front an-and..."

Who has to check security footage to find their son?

"And, I didn't even do anything bad at school today! I mean, yeah, of course, I did some small things, but the staff kind of just rolled their eyes and let it go. No one called him! He called them! He called my homeroom teacher and physics teacher and coach! All up out of n-nowhere, like he wanted to find other stuff to get mad at me about..."

He definitely wanted that.

"So, of course, he finds some bad stuff I did over the month because he keeps asking and asking for it. Talking in class, not paying attention, texting... I-I do that a lot, yeah, and I know it's st-stupid so he didn't have to r-remind me..."

For some reason, I thought back to those little disruptions Julien and the other kids caused back when I was their substitute.

"I didn't even know this was happening! He j-just blew up my phone while I was out at pr-practice, and told me to come over and..."

"... You were there for three hours?"

He sniffed, "He just kept me locked in there, he wanted me there right away but he wouldn't let me go out to do anything. He just k-kept... K-Kept..." His voice was shuddering, and with a heavy, shaking sigh, he lowered his head further, and I flinched at his hair that tickled right over me. "J-Just... The usual but it st-still made me so... So mad."

"... What did he say, Julien?"

"I h-hate it when he makes me r-repeat the crap he says, I'm not a damn parrot-"

"What did he say?"

He shook his head, I could tell from the way his hair swept back and forth over behind me, "I'm disgusting. All I do is complain. I'm never satisfied. I'm stupid. I don't know how to listen. I'm worthless. I'm too sensitive for my own good. I take kindness for granted. I'm nothing without all this support. I keep wasting people's time. What I want to do is never going to work-"

"O-Okay, that's enough-"

"There's something wrong with my head..."

I closed my eyes, leaning closer to his arm and sighing again.

"... The only reason he let me go was because some people had to talk to him. And, I couldn't even go right away, I was just sort of losing it, sitting in my car in the parking lot. And, even when I left, even when I got here, I was still angry. I think I got angrier the closer I got here, I was about ready to destroy those stupid cameras..."

"I told you not to drive when you're that upset."

He rose his head, his breath washing on my back again, "I know. I'm sorry." There was a long string of silence, and when he spoke, it was following a small chuckle, "I always want you when I'm angry, huh...?"

Yup.

"Sorry. If I scared you back there. I - I just..." He was snickering, as if this whole thing was funny, "I just wanted to squeeze the life out of you, to hurt you, you know?" Sure. "I'm more used to that, you know?" Sure. "But, now, I'm starting to just like venting to you more..."

That hurt just as much, though.

"You know?"

With one arm folding over his and the other draping over, I nodded weakly, "Yeah."

He moved even closer, his cheek right to the right of me, and I just leaned further away, uncomfortably. "You were just kind of a dick when we met. No offense." I could say the same about you the past five years. "I hate when someone bosses me around and acts like... Him."

My heart dropped just a bit at that.

"... W-Was... A-Am..." I choked out, and Julien moved his head further back. "... I like him?"

Julien was quiet. For too long. Way too long, my ears were starting to plug up again from the panicking thoughts inside me. "No." He said. "At first, you reminded me, because... Ernest, you were being mean to me. That was your fault."

I was wrong. I know that now. I do. He shouldn't have had the keys (I still think about that sometimes, why he had them), but I shouldn't have cornered him like that, I shouldn't have brought up his parents. But, seriously, being shrunken and abused for years isn't exactly a normal cause and effect for being mean to a kid.

"And, you were still kind of being mean after that..."

Because I was speaking up for myself?

"But... No... You're not. You're not like any of them." Any of them? "You talk to me. You listen to me. You teach me stuff. You're... Here. Not like..." He sighed, "You give me a lot. You give me a lot more than Ewald even did, and I wish I had that before. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't... Be so stupid, so worthless, so messed up..."

This isn't right.

"And most of all... You love me."

I don't know.

That was the most terrifying thing, that I didn't know anymore.

"I just wish I had you in my life since way before." He said, sadly, and I was only able to soften my eyes, trying not to wince at the pain inside me. "And you wish the same, right?"

Honestly, I'd be lying if I said no.

Irene, Heide, Kyle, Carmen, and this baby... There was no other way. There was no other way, and it killed me. It was so terrifying to admit, but a nightmare of mine included being in my old life. Whether it be being isolated and abused by my parents, running from state to state being drugged up, or drifting by with nothing to wake up to. And, I'd wake up so relieved. That's how fucked up this has all gotten.

And, somehow, I knew Julien knew this.

"Ernest?"

He knew. Without a doubt.

With the heaviness still in my chest, I admitted, "Yeah..."

After a pause, he snickered. I could tell there were tears in his eyes from the way his voice wavered, "Y-Yeah. That's right. I saved you." He chuckled, and I closed my eyes, pained. "A-And, y-you... Pfft, whenever I think I'm g-gonna break and call my Dad up, and just tell him everything and all that... I go to you, and I feel better."

Were you really feeling better?

"How can I help myself? You're the only person who's ever accepted me as their son..."

Was he trying to break me down further? Was that it?

"You're the only Dad I have... A-And... I'm... Your boy!" He breathed out with broken glee.

That's right.

My boy.

Suddenly, his chuckling turned to straight out crying groans, and confused, I opened my eyes, trying to glance back. He was sniffling, clenching his teeth and almost squeezing his eyes shut.

"And, you know what's the worst part?" He croaked, "I didn't even get to eat!" Oh, no. "Oh, my G-God... He wanted me there right away and I didn't w-want to be crying in p-public... I-I'm so h-hungry... I w-want cheeseburgers, Dad, but it's l-late and I've been such a p-pig all week and I swore I was g-gonna stop..."

"No." I shake my head, instantly snapping out of it, "Go eat, go get cheeseburgers or ice cream or whatever you want, just go eat for God's sakes."

---

"... A-And then, he just starting crying about cheeseburgers!"

I was sure Irene was too tired to hear all of this from me as we were in bed trying to sleep, but I had to let this all out to her or else I'd get no sleep. I could see her from the faint light of the nightlight outside the house. An arm wrapped around her pregnancy pillow, hair pulled back into her nightcap, she was just looking up at me with a bored, annoyed look.

"I told him to go get cheeseburgers, and he did! You, Kyle, and even his mom are so mean about him getting to eat what he wants..."

She frowned, "If it weren't for us, that's all he'd eat, and it's not healthy."

"He was just running around and doing drills for soccer!"

Groaning, she closed her eyes and buried her head further into the pillow. I blinked down at her, before leaning down over and kissing her half covered belly, and that got her jumping up.

"I'll let you eat whatever you want!" I gushed onto the side of her belly, "And, you don't have to slave over a sport and-"

"No, you're not, and yes they will!" She grabbed my hand and pulled it away, so I sat up. "They are not going to eat like a pig and they are going to be in some sport! It's great for them, Ernest!"

"But, I already know I'll break down if they ask to eat piggy food and to stay at home and lie down."

"Well, you're gonna have to... Not... Do that..."

I whined, sitting back in bed, "Well, I don't know what I'm doing."

She grabbed my face, bringing me down to kiss my cheek, "If it makes you feel any better, neither do I. Now, go to sleep."

I tried, I really tried, as she snuggled back closer to her pillow and as I brought the covers over me, but, I still couldn't do it. I kept getting plagued with the memories, so much involving that damn boy Jules, especially from earlier.

The rest, well, it involved that guy, of course. Just when I thought I was done thinking about 'em, well, parenthood came along. And I mean, literal parenthood, not just Julien and Heide.

All the yelling, all the fighting, all the crying, all the bruises, and despite all that, still loving him and thinking he was some sort of hero.

Despite all that, being glad he was dead...

"What if I turn out just like my Dad?"

So much time had passed, I thought Irene had dozed off, but from the corner of my eye, I saw her eyes snap open and aim themselves to me. Still, I went on as if she was still asleep.

"I haven't been good enough here. I should have been better in so many different ways, I should have been perfect for them, but I wasn't. And, I... I'm not a good person. I don't want that to fall into not being a good Dad, but... It's inevitable, isn't it?"

She turned her head slightly to keep blinking at me, not saying anything.

"Julien and Heide... They keep saying I'm their Dad, and I... Don't know how. The thought is nice and all, but... I don't know how a Dad is supposed to treat his son or daughter. All I know is that the way he did it was wrong, but it's the only way I get to see..."

She finally whispered out, "Ernest..."

"What if I can't protect them?"

"Ernest."

She outstretched her arm out, hand delicately placed on my shoulder. With a tense breath, I looked at her.

Her eyes were soft, "You... Parents..." Exasperated, she looked around before back at me, "We... Have a choice. Your parents, and... Others. They either failed to make that choice or they made the wrong one. I already made the decision, and from everything, I already assumed you did too..." At my confused stare, she went on. "We all laugh about it, but we do notice and appreciate it. You've been reading up so much and asking so many questions, you've been involved in every way you could."

"... I..."

"You were just in Dad mode before we tried to sleep, Ernest." Exasperated, she laughed, and her hand went over to cup my cheek, "You're already a hell of a lot better. And, plus, didn't I tell you? I'll be here to help all the way."

I kept blinking, over and over, trying to get rid of that tickling feeling in my eyes, but it didn't go away. In fact, the more I looked at her soft smile, the worse it got.

Finally forming a smile of my own, I asked, "Will you marry me?"

Though she was smiling, she groaned, burying her face in her pillow, "Ernest, I said no." She grumbled as I moved closer, grabbing her shoulder and kissing the top of her head. "I already said that isn't necessary..."

"But, I need you there all the time! I'm a mess, I just said..." She started to look up, obviously fearing me going into the mood again, but she just narrowed her eyes when I went on, "I'm gonna cave in and give them whatever they want when they cry!"

"You're gonna spoil 'em..."

"I know, I know, that's why!" I whined. "I just need you..."

She lifted her hand, running it through my hair, "And I know you can learn everything on your own. You're doing it good so far."

God, this tickling in my eyes was just getting worse and worse.

It was still difficult to sleep, in between Irene's loving words and touches, and her telling me to shut up and sleep. Those same thoughts still hurt me, but they were a lot quieter in comparison to the love I had right here.

A lot quieter.

This was good, right?