Living Dolls

16Heide

What a question.

I hung my head with a small tilt at his question, "Miss you?"

He nodded, thumb scratching along his cheek. His eyes were soft, but I still noticed the slight puffiness of red from earlier tears. "I missed you."

"You always miss me, Julien."

"And you don't?"

My hands clenched themselves into fists, and fighting back a sniff, I looked over to the side, "Maybe. I don't know. I was wondering when you'd come back, you just ran off, and I worried..."

"I had to think, and I, well, got into a little argument with... With Ewald."

"Yeah. I heard."

Things were quiet for a minute, Julien's hand over his face, blank eyes going nowhere. I already knew he was gonna call me out from the minute I heard his Dad say that, and I wondered when Julien was just gonna get it over with. It's like he was reconsidering. It's only been two months, after all. He was probably embarrassed.

Finally, after a depressing sigh, he did it, and I started to step back calmly. He extended his hand over towards me, on the table, palm up. I stood, staring dumbly at it for awhile, and when I looked up, Julien was pouting slightly, growing redder.

Setting my jaw then, I walked over to his waiting hand. I ran my hand along his finger as I walked to the center of his palm, finding it was cold and then got warmer along. Reaching close by this thumb then, I rose one arm up on the side of his palm, and then the other arm, struggling to try lifting myself up, and he rose his thumb to give me more room.

Finally, I grappled my way up onto his hand, and my heart stopped when I almost fell right back onto the table. Woozy, I crawled over to the center of his palm, pushing my hair back. I was just starting to look up at him when his fingers rose up slightly, not enough to touch me but enough to ensure I wouldn't fall over.

He slowly brought me over near his chest, as he grabbed the door and pushed it closed. I kept trying to look up at him through his fingers that hovered over me, but I still couldn't see his face. With another soft sigh, he lumbered softly through his room and to the balcony doors.

When he opened the doors, the wind pushed itself at me in a breeze, but stopped short when Julien lowered his thumb to cover me. Pushing back my hair, I kept moving my eyes so I could get a good view of the outside as Julien walked over to the side.

The brisk chill of the September breeze was starting to set itself in, and the skies were of a dark expansion. Clear from the usual lights and helicopters, there were only a couple of stars scattered across. Down from the balcony, there were the gardens of the Anzo Estate, and beyond that, the turns and roads of the mountains, leading down to the twinkling lights of city life.

Julien kept moving on atop of the balcony, until he reached the hammock bed, chairs and tables at the sides of it. He pushed them away, before turning over, and I reached over to grab ahold of his lowering pinkie for some more security as he sat himself down.

He went down quick once he released his feet from the ground, rattling over atop of the hammock until slowly settling in as he sat himself a little higher up. I was still spinning somewhat, before he tilted his palm, allowing me to fall gently atop of his chest.

Once he was comfortable enough in his slight sit up, he sighed, sinking in lower, and I jumped, lacing one hand firmly over his chest under me. His fingers came over from behind me, slowly urging me to lie forward, but I didn't want to, not yet. I kept trying to stay sitting up, looking over at the gardens and mountains and city.

Julien watched me watching those for a minute, and his fingers stroked down at my back, "I'm guessing you heard everything?" He asked, and I winced, nodding. "I don't know why I even bothered trying to talk to him. I mean, we all know you're the only one who can possibly understand me."

But I don't. Not now.

"I don't know why he's blaming me. I mean, it's not like I asked to be born. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't." I don't know why, but that made me upset. It upset me to hear Julien talk like that. "Why do I have to be hurt because of their decisions?"

God, I don't know.

He's silent for another moment, "Like... Do you think that baby of Ernest and Irene would ask to be born?" I felt a chill run up and down at my body. "That's what I keep thinking. What if - what if they don't want to be born? What if they'd hate having been born?"

I try to picture a baby, but I can't. It's just a blur.

"That's what worries me. Ernest and Irene just decided to involve them, and that's... It's... It's unfair. It's so unfair."

It kept hurting more and more, so I finally crane my head up to look at him, to find his glossed over eyes were partially already on me. Shuddering, I asked, "What is fair? I don't get it."

"God, I... I don't know. I don't get it, either. All I know is that it wasn't fair for me to be born. I - I never asked to be born, and sure, I could... I could... But I'm already this far, and I'm just confused and... I don't know... I just don't wanna risk having to subject that to someone else and..."

So that's what it was.

"... What am I supposed to do?"

So he didn't have a plan either.

"Just like how they might not ask to be born, I didn't ask for them to be here... You, Ernest, Irene, Kyle, Carmen, you guys are the ones I picked up. Not this. And I... I just... I'm scared. I don't know what to do, I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm really worried about the baby and..."

"... So, you tried killing their dad?" I asked meekly, still trying to stay sitting as his fingers were pressing up behind me.

He started snickering, chest heaving slightly, and he shook his head. "Let's be honest, here." He said, though his voice cracked, and after that, his smile was twitching, struggling to stay on, "A dead Dad is probably a lot better than a bad one. I can only hope, I can only force Ernest to be a good one... Or, just, anything but bad..." His next pause lasted much longer, and I found myself keeping my eyes downcast, shivering. "... Heide," He whispered, and I gulped, "Tell me about your Dad."

My heart hammered up against my chest, "He... Didn't care..."

"Not that. Tell me something else." He muttered, and I was growing scared and confused fast. "Tell me the good things about him." At that, my heart dropped. What? "The things he did, the things he was, that made you happy."

My thoughts were racing. "I, uh..."

"Go on. Please."

My chest ached oh so much. "He, uh, well..." It was in my mind, it always has, but never prepared for getting out. I started shaking my head, fearful, and Julien kept his teary-eyed pout. I choked the words out. "Before I would go to bed, I'd give him my blanket. He'd toss it in the dryer, and we'd wait, before it was all warmed up." He kept blinking. "He'd always call me little miss." Stare, but a slight smile etched itself to the corner of his lips. "He wanted me to wait until I was older, but he would take me to the pet store so I could play with them." The smile reached the other side of his lips. "He would lift me in the air, throw me down on the bed, and tickle me."

Before I knew it, tears had pooled around and slipped from my eyes. I got all cold, and everything tickled in that freezing, chilling sensation. From my blurred up vision, I saw Julien's face fall in shock, and then it got even less clear.

What?

My eyes went nowhere as the tears kept coming.

How long has it been since I've cried - in front of someone? Five years? Six years? I don't know. I should have felt exposed, embarrassed, but I wasn't. All that started to flood in my mind was my Mom and Dad, and Terri, and it ached more and more.

"And..." I found myself saying, "And he loved me."

Shuddering, I went to hanging my head, my hands grasping at Julien's shirt. His fingers retreated from my back for a second, taken back, and I briefly saw that look on his face, concerned eyes, a tilting head, and a quivering bottom lip. I kept sniffling and gasping for breath.

"I miss him." I choked out, shaking my head as more tears fell, "I miss my Dad, Julien."

Julien kept watching me, and I kept my eyes down, not wanting to see that disgusting look of shock and pity. I just couldn't. I was already feeling so much, anger, shame, confusion, embarrassment, sadness, about all of it.

"... Yeah?" Julien murmured after a long, suffering pause, and I quivered. "Well, that makes the both of us."

Sniffling, I finally looked up, "What-?"

My heart stopped for a second, when his fingers came back at me, flipping me up and pressing me right down to lie down on my stomach. My arms slightly crossed my wide, teary eyes blinked blankly off towards the breezing of the trees, as his fingers ran up and down the back of my body, again and again, slowly.

"And you know what?" He asked, and although his fingers were giving me some sort of warmth from the breeze, there was still a chill growing inside me. "We don't need a person like that. Not when we have everything here." His voice cracked, and I shivered again. "Not when we have each other-"

I was shuddering, "Julien-"

"Haven't I kept my promise?"

"... W-What?"

"That day, seven years ago. I promised I would care about you, that I would give you so much. Haven't I done that?" He asked, voice shaking just as my form, and I held my breath, more tears coming through. "You said no one cared about you. Then I gave you Ernest, and Irene, and Kyle, and Carmen. They care about you, and Carmen will, I promise you."

"I... I..."

"You're the only one. You're the only one who can possibly understand me. And I'm the only one who can possibly understand you. You get that, right?"

"Ri... Right..."

"Yeah. That's right. I just have to stop trying. I don't need to try, not when I have you." His fingers stroked deeper onto me, and I sunk down further, shivering, as he paused. "I love you so much... I love you so much, you mean the world to me. You know that, don't you?"

I don't know.

"And, I promise, this will not change anything. You're still the most important person in my life, I just need you to think the same for me. I need to... I need to make sure. I need to make sure that when this kid is born, that they won't live the way we did before I found you. I cannot let that happen..."

"S-So... What will you do?" I still didn't have it in me to look up at his face, but the temptation was growing stronger and stronger, especially given his trembling body and voice. "Will you change them to normal size, and-?"

"No. I can't. This kid, if Irene and Ernest wanted to involve them, then they're involved. Irene and Ernest belong to me, and so, they forfeit their kid to me, too." Again, I keep trying to imagine a baby, and failing. "And you'll all still go by rules, to make sure they don't wish they haven't been born... Just like... Just like how I've provided and cared for you, I have to do the same for them, even if I never asked for this. I have to... Make sure... They..."

I start to raise my head up from my folded hands, and I see his face. Looking off the balcony just as I was, his eyes were puffy from still blooming tears. He noticed me staring almost instantly, and gave me that earlier look of sadness. I was just beginning to say something before he settled me right back down, fingers going in a more deep and trancing stroke, setting more and more heat onto me.

"I love you all so, so much... I'm nothing without you guys. I just wished they didn't take advantage of my love for them like that. And now, I'll be making sure none of you hurt me like that again. I'll make sure none of you hurt the kid like that, either."

He started shaking more and more, and it made me tense up.

"And I... Just can't believe..." He choked out, voice rattling with the surely pouring tears. Deeper and deeper, I kept sinking, and more tears fell from my eyes. "That they'd d-do this... Th-They're mine, why c-can't they just understand that?" His body rattled with each stammering choke of a cry. "Why did it turn out like th-this? You guys are everything to me, w-why... Why can't you all j-just...? W-Why... It's l-like... You guys h-hate me or..."

"N-No..." I closed my eyes, unsure of why I was saying that.

"The l-least that can c-come from this, is that this baby doesn't... That they d-don't... Oh, God. That's all that I h-have, and I don't want to m-mess it up. I need... I n-need you to help. I need you to try he-helping me understand them, them to underst-stand me a-and..."

Everything was hot, and I said, "I understand."

And then, things got quiet. Julien was still sniffling and hiccuping to try catching his breath, to calm down his tears. Quite a lot of time had passed, probably around an hour, with the two of us calming down our fits and then taking some time to relish in silence. His palm sunk right over me, blocking the breeze from hitting me, and I closed my eyes to the rise and fall of his breathing chest, the warmth surrounding his enveloping palm.

He spoke, and I flinched slightly.

"Thank you." He whispered, and I wasn't even sure if he knew I was still awake. "I love you so much, my little miss Heide."

It went back to the quietness of night time, the two of us breathing, and I wasn't even sure if Julien was getting any sleep, if he was still trying to gather more to say. Hell, I wasn't even sure if I fell asleep, or if all I dreamed of was just imagination.

Crying.

Lots of crying from a baby.

And my parents, with Terri far behind them. Dad's familiar silver eyes, Mom's bright blonde hair, and they were smiling. At me. Terri wasn't looking at me, I could barely see her face.

And then Ernest, Irene, Kyle, and Carmen. Ernest's blue eyes, Irene's soft smile, Kyle's embrace, Carmen's warm hand.

And then Julien. Back facing me. Not saying anything.

By the time my eyes were fluttering from the sun rising, I had decided.

Julien.

I love you, I understand you, you understand me, but...

All of us were getting out of here.