Living Dolls

31Heide

We didn't do anything. We couldn't do anything.

What were we supposed to even do?

Scream or yell, maybe. That's what we did just a couple of months ago with Carmen, and almost three years ago with Kyle. Maybe we were put into a much different state of shock, or maybe we just realized screaming didn't do anything.

We could never do anything.

And tonight, maybe just tonight, it was the same for the "real people".

Because Ester didn't do anything either. Even when she was hit and sent to the floor, even when Julien went off and came closer, even when he pointed the gun-like object, she didn't move a muscle, didn't utter a single sound, she just kept looking down in shock.

Maybe, just maybe, if she looked up, she could have fought or ran.

Doubt it.

Julien didn't do anything after that either. He just lowered the ray in his hands, breathing heavy, until he let go and it hit the floor, eyes in a cloudy haze.

Neither did we. We did nothing, and for a while, my eyes couldn't see anything, perhaps in the same haze Julien's eyes looked to be in. Hell, maybe everyone was saying or doing something, but I just couldn't see it, I just couldn't hear it, and I wasn't exactly in some rush to see everything.

Or maybe not, because Julien's footsteps eventually snapped me out of my trance, though I had to keep blinking rapidly to free myself from the haze. By the time I did, I could barely see him leaning down where Ester just was, but still, there was nothing happening with me or the rest.

Even when Julien opened up the closet door, some of us barely even backed away, barely flinching at the brighter lights of his room being let in after so long.

Barely flinching at seeing him look down on us.

"Jesus Christ, you guys..." He took one step back, right hand wiping at his face, "Of course you guys were so stupid to be here the entire goddamn time, you damn idiots..."

None of us said anything.

Covering his mouth, he looked down to the side, at none of us, eyes looking tired and drained. "What a mess."

Still nothing.

"You guys had to... Hear all that. And now... Now, I..." He chokes out a heavy, quivering breath, and he lowers his hand to his side. "I... What am I supposed to do? I don't..." His left hand already raised up at his side started to close, slowly, trembling as it did so. "I don't know what to... Dowith her-"

"Julien!" Ernest and Irene said it both, exploding right out of the trance together, and I actually flinched. The boy just blinked down at them, eyes still glazed over.

He shook his head, "I... I can't take this back, I can't... She has to be like this, I can't change her back, she has nothing to go back to, but... I d-don't..." The hand shook more and more, and his crazed eyes started to widen. "I don't want her, so I have to... I have to..."

Ernest sounds desperate, "Have to what?"

"I don't want her, so-"

"We want her!" Irene almost choked it out, stepping forward, breathing heavy and fast. Julien just stares at her, eyes unreadable. "J-Just give her to us, we'll t-take her, we w-want her, we'll t-take care of her, you d-don't have to do anything, j-just..." Her voice is starting to tremble wildly, "Just d-don't..."

Julien is quiet, and his eyes won't say anything, either.

Carmen, Kyle, and I were still barely breathing, if at all, but Ernest and especially Irene were breathing so hard it was the only noise I was hearing, it was the only thing going through to me.

And the longer Julien just stands there, blank eyes looking right through them, the more panicked their breaths sound.

"... This is the last one."

Ernest and Irene joined us in silence once more.

"The last one." Julien's eyes sharpened. "I don't care anymore. I don't care who it is, I'm not doing this again, ever. I'm tired, and... You guys... You guys were already perfect, and then I had to be stupid and bring Carmen in, and now this..."

Still nothing.

"I... I'm too nice... God, why did I do this again?"

"Nice" isn't how I'd put it.

"... No... No more. No matter who it is, I... No more. I can't just - especially now that I know about - about the baby, I..." He shakes his head, the tears building up in his eyes, "You're already the perfect family..."

I'm suddenly more aware of the goosebumps riding all along my skin.

"And I - I keep messing it up... I don't wanna... I don't wanna ruin it..."

Silence.

"Not when it's all I have..."

Silence.

"... Are..." Julien is suddenly choking up, "Are you guys mad at me?"

Silence.

"I... I didn't... I'm sorry, I..." He shook his head, "I didn't want everything to go like this, I..." Taking another stumble back but leaning forward, his right hand came towards us, but we still didn't deter. As his gargantuan hand held onto the edge of the table right beside me, with my own hand right under his finger, I was still powerless to even utter a sound. "Everything... I just... I'm so sorry..."

Silence.

"... Don't..." He chokes out. "Pl-Please, don't..."

My body begins to shake, my eyes drifted to his left, cupped hand, and that familiar twinge of fear, dread, and yet, at the same time, emptinessfill in me. And, like we were supposed to ignore the body in his hand, like how we were currently too weak to even speak of it, he started crying.

"P-Please don't b-be mad at me..." He wept, "Please do-don't hate me..."

As if I had enough power to do such an easy thing.


---


We could never do anything.

Pathetic, wasn't it?

We couldn't even talk to eachother after all that just happened. We couldn't just leave Ester by herself and go to sleep, we couldn't sleep if we tried, but we also couldn't pass a single word to each other while waiting for her to wake up.

Ester was given to us, and we couldn't utter a single protest. Julien ripped off all his blankets, grumbling that he wanted to wash them, and left to sleep in a different room for the night, and he didn't utter any further word to us.

Once Jules left, Ernest carried Ester off to the biggest couch in the living room, and we all stayed in the living room there with the unconscious girl, Irene and Carmen on the other couch, Kyle still in his wheelchair, and Ernest and I sitting on the floor. Before everything had erupted, we were looking forward to getting some sleep, but here we were.

We've stayed up late when Kyle and Carmen came, too. The both of them, like Ester, came along late into the night, so we had to wait even later for when they woke up. Apparently, it takes about three hours to wake up, we waited up to three in the morning for Carmen. For Kyle, though, we waited for an extra two, presumably because of the severity of the blow.

Julien wouldn't let me get close to Ernest when he first came. Irene woke up just minutes after Julien brought her. Carmen and Kyle were already here when they got shot, so we had to wait the entire three hours for them, Julien let us be with Kyle the entire time because he was hurt, and he quickly gave us Carmen before running off to puke and pass out for the night.

And, Ester...

Ernest can't be close to her when she woke up, because when Irene came, he was insistent that he wasn't what she woke up to. Kyle was a more special case, we thought he was dying so Irene put him in some recovery position. We should have a trash can around, in case Ester wanted to puke, because Carmen mistook the fake sink in the kitchen for a real one and puked in it and Ernest got really mad.

Always... Whenever there was someone new, I couldn't help but look at everyone and remember when they first came here, and it made my heart ache, so, so much.

When we were quiet like this, the clock ticking was so, so loud, it rang and rang in my ears. I was sitting on the floor, blankets around me, hugging my knees, when from the corner of my eye, I saw Kyle gaze at the clock. Slowly, I turned to peer at it, too. A quarter past three in the morning. Almost time.

Almost time, Kyle was clearly aware of, because all of the sudden, he looked more awake, looked like he wanted to say something, but hesitating. Finally, though, he spoke, and all of us stirred into a more alert state, "Heide, you knew." He said calmly, and ashamed, I looked back down. "You knew this was going to happen."

I did.

"That's why..." Ernest continued for him, running his hand down his exhausted looking face, "You wanted to clean out the room..."

Right.

"... Why..." Irene asked, voice shaking. "Didn't you tell us?"

I hesitated, "I... Didn't want to..." I looked up at Ernest, who seemed to be waiting for my gaze. "I didn't want to tell myself, either, I told you..."

"... How did you know?" Carmen asks, giving me a look that vaguely resembles disappointment, and I shrank back a bit. "He told you? How'd he tell you?"

Slowly, I shook my head. "Not... Not really. Right before he left, he said... He'd have to change all his passwords. And, his passwords... They're our initials. He even complained the day after you came, that he was gonna have to change all of them and... It couldn't be for the... The..." I wet my lips, "Because none of us know their name yet, so... I knew, there was gonna be another one of us..."

"He could have talked about changing his passwords so Ewald can't get into his stuff."

"No," Ernest shook his head, "He knows changing his password won't stop Ewald at all."

"Right." I nodded.

Irene paused, before softly asking, "Did he even plan this, though? Usually, he... Says he has something to show us, but this time, it... Sounded like she was... Spending the night."

Kyle covered his mouth, "I don't know. I.... I don't think Carmen's was very planned." The girl in question shifted uncomfortably. "The time. Ernest came two years after Heide, you came a year later, I came a year later, and Carmen almost three. And, this girl, it hasn't even been four months... I still think - with Carmen - it was him acting out of angry, drunken impulse, and... Well, he was pretty angry this time, too..."

"I... I always thought it was the same for me, too," Ernest said, eyes troubled. "But, he told me he made up his mind as soon as he saw me..." He paused, "Then... Why did he ha...?" Suddenly his eyes narrowed a bit, and he looked at the girl I was still refusing to look at. "You said her name was Ester?" I nodded. "Who is she?"

"She..." Talking about it felt so foreign. But, doing foreign things is what I've been doing all month, by Carmen's pressuring. Still, I didn't feel used to this uncomfortable feeling. "She and Julien stopped talking two days before you came, and he didn't like talking about her when they weren't friends anymore."

"Then, why is she here?" They were clearly looking at her, but I still refused. "How did you even know it's her?"

"Be... Because..." I kept on hesitating, detesting the foreign feel in me. Carmen said my name, and when I looked at her, she was giving me a hard frown, nodding for me to go on. I bit my tongue, hard, and the weight on me was getting heavier. Still, I wanted to try getting rid of it, so I spoke. "She and Julien only knew each other for like a month - when we were twelve. She wasn't in school with him, but he met her at school because she was always standing around there, liked her, and got his Dad to help her and her Mom with money, and to get her in his school."

"That didn't last, huh..." Ernest muttered, and confused, I shot him a look. "I remember, there was someone missing, and all the kids said she was pulled out..."

I nodded, "Yeah. I - I don't know what happened, but I guess her Mom wasn't using the money right and kept getting more and... So, Ester couldn't go to the school anymore, and one day - before you came, Julien just left, and he even said his Dad had to send people out to find him, and... He was spending the day with Ester, to say goodbye, but I don't know what... I don't know what happened, he never told me what they were doing, and..."

There it was again. That tingling feeling in my already heavy chest.

"He... Liked her. I think. But, right after, he didn't want to talk about her anymore, he got mad when I tried to ask what happened because he was 'done' with her."

"Then, how did you know this was her? You knew before Julien even said her name."

"Because, this morning, Julien was telling me that her mom finally paid everything off, and... I asked if he was gonna go see her, but he said he didn't even know where to find her and... And, if he did, he'd take me, but he... But he didn't..."

"... Well, it's good you didn't go." Ernest grumbled, and I gave him a curious stare. "Whatever they were doing all day, it turned into an absolute goddamn mess."

I furrowed a brow, "But, I... I want to know what happened. I don't think Julien's gonna wanna tell me..."

"You can ask her when she wakes up."

I don't think I wanted to do that. And, honestly, I don't think any of us wanted to do that, judging from all of them looking down and frowning deeply.

Hesitating, I wet my lips, "Can... Can we?" I don't think we could.

"... Fuck." The curse didn't come from Carmen's mouth, not Ernest's either, but Irene's. The rest of us were nearly shocked right out of our skin, eyes narrowing right over to her. She didn't pay us any mind, she just covered her eyes with her hands and seethed, lowering her head, "Shit..."

Uncomfortable, I kept sitting farther back and sinking my head lower and lower. Irene was the one who said she wanted her, but looked like even she didn't exactly want it either.

I felt like Ester didn't exactly make a good first impression, whether she knew we were there or not. Even I, who knew her (well, as much as someone like me could know someone outside of my prison of a little bubble), had sort of a bad taste in my mouth.

Maybe it was anger.

I kept dwelling on it, how I so vaguely felt when she was kissing him and how he kept yelling at her to stop.

Yeah.

I think it was anger...

"... He said the same thing about me too..."

When Carmen spoke, so quietly at that, we all gave her a confused look. She was bringing her knees up to her chest slowly, face looking as though she was in pain.

"I remember. Before he... He told me he already had the perfect family here, for me not to... Mess it up... He said... Almost the exact same thing this time, too, to you guys after he..."

There was a long silence again.

"... What are we gonna do?" I finally decided to ask, and almost, almost, looking up at Ester. Everyone looked back at me, curiously. "She's... Gonna wake up and... She's... Gonna be here, and..."

Some more quiet.

"... We do what we always do." Ernest mumbled, hanging his head and looking down. "We just... Have someone new. This isn't gonna change anything, just... Some extra things."

"But... She's..."

He looked back at me again, "She's what?"

"She's... Ester..." They didn't say anything. "You - you don't get it, you never knew about her..."

"Just forget about everything you know about her," Kyle said. "Let's not wait forever to do that..."

"And what about what happened? Just now, with Julien? Are we supposed to forget that, too?" Okay, fine, I admit it. I was a little angry. I didn't like the feeling. Finally now deciding and accepting this nasty feeling, I looked at Carmen with a scowl, admitting it to her too, for some of her disappointment to go away. "I'm a little angry."

She didn't exactly look proud, and she furrowed a brow, "Uh, yeah."

I huffed, looking down again, "So, yeah, am I supposed to forget that? Or, pretend to forget that? Because pretending I can do."

They're all quiet, thinking. From the corner of my eyes, I can see them looking at each other too, confused about what to decide together.

"Just..." Ernest started, but he looked up at everyone else again, and closed his mouth again, covering it with his hand.

No meeting on this, then. I guess it was just up to each of individually, but it would have helped me if they said what they were going to do, but they didn't. Maybe I just had to wait, maybe I just had to bite my tongue, and pretend, just for a little while, if I can hold it.

Ernest dragged me away via choking me as soon as it started, so that kind of muddled my memory and thought process surrounding that very quick moment. But, he let go when Julien said something for some reason, and I saw the rest, but what I saw only made this angry feeling settle more in me.

She was kissing Julien. He was pushing her away and telling her to stop, but she wouldn't. Wasn't Tiffany the only one allowed to kiss him?

"... Ah..." I didn't even realize I was holding my breath. I looked up to both Ernest and Irene, who seemed to be waiting for me to speak. "Ernest, Irene..."

They gave the quickest of glances to each other before looking back at me, eyes concerned and attentive, and they both nodded.

So, I asked, "What happened with... With Ester and Julien, or, what Ester wanted to... Is that what you guys did to-?"

Before I can even begin to utter the next word, Ernest grabs the pillow nearest to him and slams it against my face, pushing me back to fall on my back. He's still pressing the pillow against my face and suffocating me, and I squeal and try kicking and punching at him.

"I made up my mind!" Okay, now he's mad too. I can barely hear him over my struggling and the pillow over me. "You are NOT allowed to talk about any of that!"

Punching against his chest, I try desperately to scream out through the pillow.

"Hey, Ernest..." Irene's voice is farther away, but I can vaguely hear the caution in her voice.

"You're not even allowed to think abo-!"

"Ernest!" Irene cries, and suddenly, Ernest is yanked away from me. Throwing the pillow off my face, I sit up instantly, grabbing my ankles and taking in heavy breaths.

Huffing, I look up, ready to yell at Ernest, thinking I had some protection from Irene since she pulled him back.

But I see very quickly that she pulled him back for a much different reason.

Hand lying at her side on the couch, her fingers were twitching, and then, rose to her face, knee lifting a bit, too, under the blanket we left with her. And, for the first time all night, I looked up to her, specifically following her hand that went over to rub at her face.

Everyone was fully alert now, Carmen and Kyle instantly sitting up, and Ernest and Irene got closer to the girl who was now beginning to wake up.

A distressed moan coming from her lips, the girl began to sit up just a bit, pushing herself further to the end of the couch. Shakily, she removed her hand from her face. A bruise was already settling itself from where she was punched, a large portion under her left eye red, darkening the closer it got, a ring of purple under her eyelid.

This was actually the first time I've seen her face.

Julien rarely took me out to school or to see his friends back then. Back then, he didn't trust me as much, and I had some sort of semblance of fighting power that had since died. He took me once, next to her just once, but I was never able to actually see her face before I'd be shoved away.

And now she was here all because of Julien, but he wasn't here.

So, my heart made the smallest of flutters upon seeing the green of her eyes.