Living Dolls

23Irene

All I knew was that my dream was vivid and very unpleasant, I gained that much when I woke up in a bit of a panic. I didn't remember what it was, but there was a lot of crying, and I was just glad to be awake.

It shouldn't have been too long, though, that's probably why I didn't remember it well. I didn't sleep all that much, thanks to having to get up to go to the bathroom and, well, Ernest. Just all of him. Talking about anxieties and all. Also, his sleep talking. I didn't get to notice that much of it until we started sharing a bed.

Talking about having to find a replacement (for what, I don't know), looking for a dog (probably that old dog he had as a kid, I'd be willing to bet), asking balls of golden light to let him rest, and being paste. It was a little distracting. No, scratch that, a lot.

Julien probably shook or tapped at the house, because as soon as I was awake, Ernest was, too, groveling and rubbing his eyes with his forearm. Sighing with a wince, I reached over and ran my hands through his hair, "How you feelin' now?"

"Tired..."

With a smile, I rolled my eyes, "How are you feeling now?"

Rubbing his eyes one final time, he smiled at me, "Better."

Better.

What a nice way to put everything.

---

After Ernest relayed everything that Julien told him last night, I was just dreading Julien being in this bad mood for the rest of the week. I really was. Ewald calling Julien and calling him this and that was one thing, but bringing him in person and saying that for three hours straight was another.

Ernest seemed to be avoiding Julien's gaze and most of all, his attention, which was already very concerning.

Julien himself didn't act too off, which was just as concerning. Distracted and a bit agitated, yes, but that could easily be blamed on the fact that he overslept and was running late.

The fact that he even overslept, though...

In between putting on his coat and shoes over by his bed, he kept trying to talk to us, me particularly, when I just wanted to tune him out and wolf all the food down. "I'll be back with more food for the house, and some clothes when I get back! It's getting really cold." Then turn on the heater, it's not that hard. "And, Irene, Irene! I need you to check your weight again, I might have to talk to you about it today instead of tomorrow!"

Great.

It was times like this that made me feel so unsafe about the entire ordeal going on.

Even with all this, my health and my baby's health, he couldn't fess up to the world, could he?

Once he was gone, we all went back inside, and I rummaging through my clothes to find the notebook of my previous recorded weights. There were so many things about this that concerned me, and one of them was that I never knew what was right or wrong.

I should have been weighing myself since before, and then since the first couple of weeks. But, I didn't, I had no way to and I was too scared to try asking Julien about it, I was way too scared of being caught. Just what the hell was I thinking? I was caught either way.

So, I couldn't get anything right. I didn't know if I was gaining too much or too little weight. I didn't know if I was getting enough nutrients, I didn't know their exact position. I didn't know their heart rate. Not a single ultrasound.

None of this was enough. It wasn't! I did enough to care for the health of the others here, illness and health and injuries and all, but this was on another level. All the books and everything Julien looked up himself, no, it wasn't enough, it never felt like enough, and it scared me to death every time I thought about it.

I didn't know if I was doing anything right.

Then I felt it.

A kick inside me. A literal kick inside me.

Narrowing my eyes, I instantly dropped down my pen and put my hand on my stomach. It has gotten much more frequent over the weeks, of course, though I was beginning to feel more stretches instead of being limited to kicks, there one was again.

Biting my lip, I kept rubbing my hand around, desperate, pleading, "... Please." I whimpered, my other hand grabbing tightly onto the dresser. "A-Again... Do it again... I n-need..."

I needed it. I needed to know. Desperately.

And, it happened.

My eyes had been closed in the desperate anticipation, and so they opened wide, my hand falling further onto my stomach. Normally just a fluttering twitch, but I felt the push coming to my hand.

I kept blinking, over and over, and I felt so silly for allowing some tears to prick at my eyes. Snickering, I rose the hand on the dresser to wipe my eyes, the other still over my stomach.

"Thank you."

---

Kyle, Heide, and Carmen were down in the living room, Carmen and Kyle talking and Heide crawling around to rummage through our drawers. Confused, I kept taking steps down the stairs.

"Where's Ernest at?"

"He went outside to read because we were bothering him too much." Kyle said with a yawn.

Beside him, Heide was wrestling through the drawer full of our notebooks, "Apparently."

Confused, I watched as she took one out, sat back, and started opening it. It took me a second to realize she was holding the notebook Ernest and I kept for names.

"H-Heide!" I hissed, hurrying down over, but she read through some of them instantly.

Looking up at me, she frowned, "You never told us about these names!"

"Huh? Is that where they're keeping the names?" Carmen looked over instantly, reaching out, and before I could get any closer, Heide tossed it to her.

"Carmen!"

"Why are you trying to hide it?" Kyle asked, looking both annoyed and confused. "I overhear you guys talk about it sometimes." Yeah, but we always thought you were too tired to be paying attention.

Clenching my teeth, I said, "Because, we wanted to wait a bit until we told you about it!"

"And what about me and Heide, huh?" Carmen muttered as she flipped through the pages, and before I could even look at her, she took in a sharp intake of breath, "Oh, my God! I see two names, both from Disney, a prince and a princess."

"Huh?"

"Isn't Aurora that sleeping princess? Not Snow White, the pink - or blue - one." I honestly didn't know she had a name. "And Prince Naveen!" Flushing, I stomped over, but she just pushed herself further away, "Okay, listen, listen!" How much I wanted her to be reclusive again at this very moment, she was becoming too much like Ernest. "Liesel, Aurora, Evelyn, Avil, Kia!" Another flip through a page as I reached over, "Ordell, Barnard, Naveen, Irvin, Novak-!"

I finally snatched it from her hands, and she sat even further, grabbing her sides with teasing laughs. Flushing, I shook my head and put it on top of the bookcase.

Kyle interjected, snickering himself, "I like Kia."

Groaning, I covered my face.

Still sitting near the opened drawer, Heide asked, "Where'd those names come from? The books...? Did Ernest come up with some, too?"

Rubbing my cheek, I frowned, "We did half and half. You better not bring this up to Ernest, because he, hell, we, wanted to tell you all at some point for the input!"

Kyle shrugged, "You heard my input."

"Not like that, God..."

"Alright, alright! I'll feign innocence and ignorance when you guys ask me, I promise."

Sighing, I go and sit right down on the couch, wanting so badly to sit all the way back. "Naming is so hard..." I scoffed, rubbing my eyes, exasperated. "How am I supposed to name this baby? I mean, it's going to be their name for life, it's going to be something I'll be saying for over a thousand freaking times a day. How am I supposed to...?"

"You should at least, uh..." Carmen glanced around, "Limit your ideas."

I groaned, "That is the small list!" Putting my hands over my face, I grumbled, "It would be better if I knew if it was gonna be a boy or a girl, so I could spend my time focusing on less, but I'm focusing on both of them..."

"What would you want?" Kyle asked.

Slowly, I lowered my hands, blinking with my squinted eyes at nothing. I was asked the question before, but I still didn't know. I mean, a baby was a baby! Still... "... Maybe... A girl? I've always been surrounded by boys growing up, brother and cousin and all. I'm fine with a boy too, but Ernest, pft..."

Kyle smirked, "Usually Moms want daughters and Dads want sons."

"He would rather a girl because, as he puts it, boys are too much trouble, but I call bull."

"I don't know." Carm narrowed her eyes with a tilt of the head, "Ernest is, well, himself, and..."

Crawling back up on the couch with Carmen, Heide grabbed a pillow to hold to her chest, "And Julien is himself."

We all shot her our annoyed looks, and she only sat back with a deep frown, glancing at each of us quick.

I kept shaking my head at her before closing my eyes with a sigh, "Well, I'm not raising an Ernest or a Julien." I pointed at Kyle, "I'm gonna try to raise a Kyle."

He just smiled that annoyed smile, "Why would you?"

Ignoring him, I smirked and said, "It really doesn't matter! My kid is my kid."

"I know that Ernest said his family won't be a big deal, that Luise would probably be fine with everything and all and the rest of his family is, well..." Kyle cringed before letting out a small chuckle, "How are your parents gonna feel to not only have you back, but a sudden new grandchild? Your brother, too."

... Honestly?

They'd be pissed.

Oh, not at me.

At Ernest.

I'm sure my cringing grin answered that well enough, judging from his bemused face, but it still sounded much too bad, so I said, through my nervous smile, "They'd be... Happy." I was sort of deflating from saying something I was so unsure of. "I mean, of course they'd be happy! They'll just be, um, shocked..." To say I hadn't thought about this is great detail was to be lying. Finally, I crumbled with a sigh, but I still felt the tugging of a small smile. "It'll be hard at first, but they will love my baby and Ernest to death very soon, I know they will, and the same will go for you guys too."

After him ganging up on me and Ernest for days, it was finally relieving to see Kyle go so red to the point that he started covering his face.

Heide was already hugging a pillow to her chest, one leg up, and she seemed to be thinking for a while. I gave her a curious, concerned look, and when she caught me, she finally opted to sit up and speak, though I was not expecting that.

"What about Julien?" She mumbled, and my eyes narrowed, my heart dropping just a bit. "We never talk about what's gonna happen here and how he's going to feel."

Silence.

"... You stupid little..."

The next thing I knew, Kyle and I had to cry out to try stopping Carmen from further suffocating Heide with the pillow.

---

Wednesday was Julien's school's short day, but he said he was going out to get some stuff. School today ended at noon, he should have been out for an extra two hours, at absolute latest, but he got back at five. Much too late. I doubt he was gonna eat outside food three days in a row, and I doubt that Ewald gave him the go to stay and hang out with friends.

During the wait, even if we weren't focused on any of that, I could still feel Ernest shaking beside me. Honestly, if I could give Julien a piece of my mind, and I mean a piece of my mind, I would.

There was a lot of jumpiness from him, but I tried to calm him by merely telling him the fact that, unlike the god-awfulness of yesterday, he wasn't bursting in and screaming his name in anger. Hell, when he got back, he even sounded a lot happier than usual, which was a bit of a shock.

I figured out why, though, and it made me feel so sick.

When he returned, just as all the contentedness died down, he, with a tap at the wall, said something that shook me to the core. "Irene! I have to have you, like, right now!"

Have me.

He had no tact, did he?

Grimacing for just a second, I got up, and Ernest was already dropping everything he had, and I tried to just ignore him. "Wait a minute before you come out." It was to all of them, but Ernest kept coming up and following after me. "Stop..." I barely whispered it, and of course, he was still struggling to walk in front of me. With one hand at the door, he kept shoving his arm over at me, and defeated, I grabbed hold of it.

Sitting at his chair, with his arms up with hands gripping at the armrests at either side of him, Julien was already giving me an expectant smile when I walked out, and I unconsciously grabbed onto Ernest's arm tighter.

Julien smiled wider, "Irene."

I wanted to ignore him.

He already put down some food in our eating area it seems, but dammit, it was apples, and I had enough of that yesterday. I was pretty sure it was because Julien was more used to us making food on our own now, lunch especially since he would be gone to school. Upon a closer, concentrated look, I saw the crates, no doubt stuff he already got and minimized for us, as he promised.

Julien said my name again, a bit more of his eagerness gone, "Irene."

That alone scared me, so I let go of Ernest's arm. He walked just another step or two before taking notice, stopping and looking back at me, and trying to ignore him, I just looked up over at Julien with a frown.

I already knew he was gonna ask how I was doing, weight and ongoing symptoms and everything, so I had been preparing, but he seemed way too eagerly anxious for just a mere "checkup". He should have just had to talk to me, but he wanted to have me.

Grin coming back, he lifted his hand, right to the side of the table, slightly open. I knew what this was, and he still told me, "I'm gonna pick you up, okay? You ready?"

No.

I glared at him even more, but I'm sure even that didn't answer his question, he was always too blind to understand things.

Much to my dismay, Ernest tried to answer for me, "No." He choked out loudly, and eyes narrowing just a bit, Julien looked at him. Stepping backward, there was an even bigger limp to his step, a wobbling stumble too, and his arm rose up to cover me as he kept moving closer, "Julien, no, you don't gotta, y-you're-"

While, to be truthful, I appreciated this, I knew just how painful this must have been for him, so I did not like it.

Julien, of course, didn't take Ernest seriously. With a cocked eyebrow, he stared, before spurting out a chuckle, "Oh my God. Seriously?" While we so obviously didn't want him going back to flicking and bruising Ernest whenever he "stepped out of line", that condescending tone was so infuriating. And I thought I was sick and angry of hearing it already when he spoke to Kyle, oh boy... "I didn't even call you out, Ernest."

I had been so distracted by my own red anger, that I didn't even get to process the first half of time it took for Julien to bring his hand over. Just in the middle of my flinch, it seemed, Julien lifted his pointer finger and kept pushing Ernest away. It wasn't a hard flick or push like it used to be, but Ernest kept trying to step back as to not get hit, only to end up falling right on his back.

Julien snapped his fingers, making the both of us flinch violently, and he pointed down at the still dazed Ernest, "Not my fault! You fell on your own." He waved his hand, fingers tapping down hard at the table in the middle of it, making us, again, jump in shock. "Okay, okay... C'mon, Irene." Before I knew it, his open palm swept right over against my back, lifting me off my feet as he tilted it back. Already, I was in a bit of a panic, shoving at the fingers that were curling around me.

Just the sound was getting farther away already, but I was still able to hear Ernest cry out, "J-Jules! Sto-!" And then I heard a much louder thump, and my heart quickened. He had to have pushed him down that time!

"Just go get the others so you guys can eat, and get the stuff I bought you! I'll make some food tomorrow, I promise." Wait, did that mean...? "I won't take long!" I just got more anxious when he stood from his seat and began walking, making sure to keep me upright, two of his fingers pressing down at my legs to keep me from slipping. Still, with each of his steps, I tried to shove the two fingers over my top half away.

From his steps and directions, I already knew where we were going. The study, but I knew he wasn't gonna hound me just for comfort during grueling homework, judging from his eagerness. The door to the study opened, and he quickened his steps over to the back.

He lowered me down to the table, "There you go!" Releasing me upright on my feet, but I still had an unsteady little dizzy wobble, to which his fingers were still around me, waiting to catch me. When I got stood straight, he finally moved away, picking up his backpack from the couch against the wall, and went to sit on the chair at the front of the desk.

Still uneasy with my arm over my stomach, I turned my body around to look at him. With that same, expecting, eager look he had back there, zipping the backpack closed and setting it down, he smiled at me, the hum of the aquarium behind him all I could hear.

Confused and mildly annoyed, I furrowed a brow at him, and he finally said, "Well, we should get the other stuff out of the way. What-?"

"You ate cheeseburgers again, didn't you?"

His eyes went wide, cheeks going red, "What?" And I just glared. "I, oh, um..." He gulped, "I was out pretty late! I stayed behind in school for awhile and then I went around getting you guys stuff a-and - and I was hungry! I didn't have time to make dinner, I already knew... C'mon, I didn't have any in days!" I know he did not just lie to me. "It's fine. Anyway-"

"You're lying." I scowled, and his face fell again. "You were out with friends Monday, of course you would have eaten a cheeseburger."

He flushed, "Okay, fine, fine, you're right. But, that was still it, just Monday and today! Anyway-"

"You're still lying!" I fumed, "Ernest told me! He gave you the go to get cheeseburgers, and you did!" Sighing, he rose his hand to cover his red face. "That's three days in a row, Julien!"

"Okay, okay!" He moved his hand away, scowling, "So, I had three cheat days in a row, so what? I'm not gonna die!"

"But-!"

"I guess you don't want the box of donuts I got just for you then, huh?"

Huh?

My face fell, and I already could feel the electricity running along my tastebuds, the blood rushing to my cheeks. Loosening up, I kept blinking, "What?"

He made a face, before reaching into his jacket's pocket, "I have two things that I wanted to give you in private, and it's this stuff. Well, one is more of showing..." I would have questioned that, but I was too distracted. He withdrew his hand from his pocket, a small box in my scale in between his two fingers, and that alone gave me this frustrated anxiety of him crushing them further. With it still in between his fingers, he brought his hand closer to the table, and I took a step over before he clicked his tongue, "Nuh uh, first we're doing the checkup." Fuck. With his other hand, he took his phone out, "Weight?"

I frowned, "180 pounds." It didn't mean as much as it should have, as we just started this almost three months ago. Just saying that made me feel uneasy, how much I should have weighed since that scale was also brought down to size, but I tried to keep it in. That was until, I saw that little bemused smirk on his face as he typed it into his phone, so clearly thinking the same thing I was, and infuriated, I spat, "And still 5'8!"

He looked at me, confused for just a second, before making that smirk again, much bigger and more painfully in my face. He went back to his phone, "Wow, so tall..."

I growled, "You stupid little..."

He looked at me, "Excuse me?"

Frustrated, I just bit my tongue and looked away.

There was a painfully long time in which he just stared at me, before going back to his phone, "Okay, so what else is going on? You're halfway through seven months... I..." He squinted at his phone, "Think?"

Having a teenage boy record everything and check it all was really discouraging, I gotta admit.

"Wow... Over a month left..."

I felt sick.

"So... What else?"

So sick. So, so sick. I didn't want to think about it, especially as I felt the movement of the baby right then and there. "Same things, same things, and the same things I should be feeling." I grimaced a bit, trying to speak quickly without spitting in anger, "My back hurts even more than before. My feet are so swollen. I have to go all the time. I sleep more in the day than I do at night. I get false contractions every other day, but I think I understand them now. And, yes," Finally looking up at him, "I'm hungry."

"... O... Okay, then." He brought the box over, and thank God, didn't just leave it on the floor for me to get, but close to me so I could hold the box myself. Already hearing his movements, I waited impatiently as he took out a book from the drawer, setting it over to my left. With it just thin enough it reached my waist, I set the box on there before ripping it open.

God, how I wished I could just get Julien to deliver me what I wanted on the fly.

As I ate, still standing with a couple of distracted paces and steps back and forth, Julien was still asking questions. I didn't want to give him any further answer, not just because of my anger but because of my eating, and he seemed to begrudgingly accept my nods and shakes of the head.

I had just picked up the fourth donut (leaving just two more, and yes, I still wanted more) when, after the previous donut eating that was filled with silence, he brought his hand over. I almost choked when his finger went right under my chin.

He leaned closer and closer, voice soft, "You don't want to see what I have to show you?"

With my face already dirty from all the eating, I just grumbled incoherently, looking the other way with a scowl.

He was quiet for a minute, and the whole time, I just kept on eating. Finally, he spoke, "... I sort of lied." Yeah, you lied about cheeseburgers to me just now. "I got home probably over an hour ago, but I wanted to finish something before I got to you, wanted it to be easier to show you." I slowed my chewing, the donut gone from my hands. "I had been working on this... Pretty slowly, actually... For a month, I think."

Swallowing the food, I finally looked at him, and he seemed satisfied with that, because he took his hand back.

"After we all had that discussion..." When he forced us all together with him for family time. "About childhood toys and stuff. You know, I felt weird cuz I never had the one, they were always in and out and never all that special to me, and... Now, I did this, all on my own..."

For just a second, I felt this disgusted anger, this sureness that I knew he was talking about us...

But, I was wrong.

"I made this." His other hand rose up from under the table, and in between his fingers, barely held by the scruff, was a teddy bear. Light brown fur, dark marble eyes, and a bright red ribbon elegantly tied around its neck. "For them."

Stunned, I wiped my mouth with my sleeve, and when I lowered it, I still found nothing to say, I just stared.

"I..." He chuckled sheepishly, "I mean, I didn't make it like this! I got the materials and everything and made it, then changed it like I did with everything else. I worked really hard to make sure it's strong, that it wouldn't wear down, since I want them to have it forever."

Blinking. I just kept blinking at it.

Still smiling softly, Jules brought it closer to me. I didn't flinch back when it was brought over a couple away from my face, in fact, I took a step over, wiping my hand down at my jacket to clear the sticky crumbs.

"I know I already gave you and Ernest a ton of stuffed animals and toys for them, but I thought... I don't know, I wanted them to have something a little more special, and I hope this is gonna do them just fine. I really hope..."

I reached my hands out, grabbing the sides of the bear. Julien seemed to hesitate, before releasing it and drawing his hand back. Holding the bear in my hands, I kept blinking at it, and yet another, more powerful thump occurred.

"... I know I should have saved it. Save it until they're born, or until they're older, to give it to them. But, I don't know, I thought you would like to see it whenever you want to, to take care of it for us until it's time."

There was a tickle in my eyes.

"So, can you hold onto it for me?" He asked, and I was sure he was feeling the same thing. "Can I be the one to give it to them?"

I looked up at him.

And all at once, I understood, firsthand. How sad it was, all of it. This small, pathetic shred of sadness inside me towards this boy, this feeling of guilt, all of it, everything that Ernest told me in those late nights.

Seeing those teary eyes, that sheepish smile, all at once, I understood.

Hugging the bear to my chest, I nodded up at him.

"Of course."

---

There were two donuts left in the box, and though it did pain me, I decided to just give it to the others. Carmen was pretty upset she had to share with Heide, and Kyle was upset he had to share with Ernest. The latter of each group even fought over which one they got, which already nauseated the other two.
I had to personally make sure they divided it equally.

All of them were pretty confused with the teddy bear. Again, sure, he'd get stuff like this all the time, but it was more of the way I was holding it. I didn't want the girls (Kyle was fine, and I planned to explain to Ernest in full detail later) messing with it, so I just kept telling them to not even touch it, before going up and placing it down in the crib in the nursery.

So much baby stuff already...

When I got back, there was even more of it, stuff left behind by Julien that he didn't say he was gonna get. He just probably remembered it from whatever Ernest and I told him. When I walked in, Ernest was in the middle of putting together the bassinet and Carmen putting the changing station against the wall, the second ones we had, but to be kept in the living room so we wouldn't be stuck upstairs or going back and forth all the time.

None of that eased my concerns.

Once we all retreated to bed, as I was folding the clothes in the drawers and Ernest was fixing up the bed, my chest was just aching more and more, and not in the way of the usual heart burns.

Getting into bed and fitting myself into my pillow, I found my hold on was much stronger, much shakier. It took awhile for me to notice that Ernest wasn't yet settling into bed, he was still looking at me, and when I looked at him, his expression seemed to make it clear.

"... and I said I would..." I kept my voice low, too low even at this time, as I told Ernest what happened, but I neglected to tell him what I was feeling once we got to that damn teddy. Around that time, too, I stopped looking at him, I just kept my eyes downcast at his chest.

He was quiet for a minute, and I already knew he was gonna say this, "Did you mean it?"

"... I don't know. That's what..." I paused. "No, that's not it... I do know." Nothing was going to come from denying it, I had to follow my own word. "I feel like I did mean it more than I didn't. And that's what scares me."

There was that tickle in my eyes again.

"... Everything is scaring me." The tears were building up in my eyes, fast, and I could only shake my head and laugh. "I just don't know what I'm doing... With anything. It never feels right, and I-I..."

He didn't say anything.

"I don't know what I'm doing here. This isn't right, and it shouldn't be like this." Still trying to just shake it off and laugh, I closed my eyes, but that only made the tears slip off. "You know what I keep thinking about? How dangerous it is. Just all of this. So many things can go wrong and I don't think I can handle it..."

Sitting up and leaning over, his hand pressed against my cheek. While his thumb wiped my tears to the side, I opened my eyes to look at him, expecting something to ease me.

But, instead, he just smiled and said, "Carm and I got this."

That did not make me feel better. "Oh, God..." I gagged, closing my eyes again.

WIth a sheepish chuckle, he leaned closer, "No, really. I mean... I get how you're scared. I mean, come on. Stuff like that is out of our control, but it's our decision to take care of it the best possible way we can, and we are gonna do that."

I buried my head down into the pillow, and his hand followed me.

"Even if..." I choked out, voice getting muffled, "How will we let them grow up?"

He paused, "What?"

"We have everything... Here. It makes me happy to see and get to help put everything together, stuff just for them, but the fact that it's heremakes me so upset... That bear, I meant what I said more than I didn't, but..."

More silence.

"I just want them to be happy, but when things are like... This... I'm just so scared that I can't do that, I don't want..."

Still buried in my pillow, Ernest rubbed his thumb along my cheek, "Who says it all has to be right here?" He whispered, and I steadied my breathing. "They don't have to grow up here. They don't even have to be born here."

"... Even if..." I sniffled, "Even if we get out on time, before they could even remember any of this..." I rose my head up, and his hand stayed on my cheek, as I blinked up at him. "How much are they going to find out?"

"... I don't know either..."

There were so many I don't knows.

"I don't know, but I do know that we're gonna do our best with the decisions we make. Right?" Leaning closer, his face right up close to mine, he whispered, "I don't know, but I do know that they already have the best Mom they could ever have, that will care for them and provide for them and love them in every way they deserve."

God, my eyes were flooding up again.

"I do know that we're enough."

Trying to ignore the tears, I sat up just a bit,

"And I know that, while I'm scared as hell..." He chuckled painfully. "I'm so excited. I'm so excited to go through everything with you."

There was a pause before I choked out a teary-eyed laugh. "I'm excited." Bringing his face even closer, wiping at his eye. "I'm excited to introduce you and our baby to my family." Against my thumb, I felt the tears come faster. "I'm excited for all of us to be a family, together. And, I-I'm..."

I'm excited to say I do.

Smiling, I told him, "... I'm excited to go through this with you, too, watching and helping our baby grow. I'm so excited."

And I meant it.

I really did.

Reaching out to grab a hold of him, his arm around my back, lips against my forehead, breath washing over my face, I was still thinking about how much I meant it, over an hour later. How I meant everything. I didn't know if he was awake, but I still decided to try anyway, and I found out he was.

"Ernest?"

"Hm?"

I had to think of Julien one more time before making the decision, and voicing my decision, "I think I know what I want to name them, daughter or son..."