Living Dolls

24Kyle

I hated waking up. It truly was the worst thing.

For starters, it kept happening throughout the night, me waking up suddenly. Waking up and seeing such awful imagery, not being able to move for the life of me.

Bright, white, thin strings all around me, coming from every direction, going through my skin and through the bed. My blankets melting away. A figure standing right over my bed.

It's figures, usually, and I use to always just go right to the conclusion that it was Heide, but she's stopped doing that recently, bless Carmen's persuasion. It didn't make me feel better, I'd rather have that girl's creepy stare than some made up being.

Eventually, it faded away, as if it was mist. Still, it took a lot longer for me to gain hold of my senses, the only thing I could do was look around. Slowly, it all came to me. It always started with my fingers, there was a twitch, and I just kept on moving them, trying to quicken everything else. That's what gave me the most anxiety, being completely stuck and helpless. I would even scream for help if I could, trust me, no matter how much Ernest would laugh at me for it.

I waited awhile after it came back, still moving my hands and turning my head back and forth. Julien didn't close the closet door, and since me and Heide's rooms were closest, we got to hear everything. Julien's tosses and turns and, yes, every alarm, most of which he ignores so, as he says, "just be awake enough to get up for the last one". Yet, he was always very bright and chipper when that happened.

Still blinking my weary eyes, I pushed the covers away just a bit, grabbing tight onto the sheets under me to sit myself up. Only more exhausted from all that, I closed my eyes for a second before looking over at the clock. 6:15.

I had to hurry, then.

Getting dressed in a new set of clothes took an entire five minutes, it was difficult but doable. Transferring to my wheelchair, however, was not. Hoping that Heide would just remember what we talked about yesterday, still struggling to pull down my shirt, I almost rolled off the side of the bed to pick up the broomstick lying on the ground.

Having kept it for this very purpose, trying to keep my hold on it as I sat myself up higher, I rose the broomstick and kept pounding it at the ceiling. One, two, three, four, five times. Waiting. An extra two. Then, I went back to hurrying to get my jacket on, and I wasn't expecting Heide to come along so quickly. Still zipping up my jacket, I jumped at her sudden entry.

With her arm still outstretched to hold onto the open door, she hunched over, squinting with her sleep-ridden eyes. Oh, well, at least she slept. Voice holding just as much sleepiness, she tilted her head and croaked out, "What happened?"

She did forget! "Heide!" I whispered urgently, grabbing the bottom sheets to slide myself to the end of the bed, "Didn't you want to eat something better today?"

The final alarm rang, and I clenched my teeth, jumping from the shock.

For a second, even with the final alarm and Julien's stretches and yawns, she just stood there, blinking, before gasping loudly, "Oh!" And rushing over, to pull out my wheelchair. Groaning and shaking my head, with one arm still on the bedframe to avoid falling, I reached down to slip on my slippers (How long had it been since I wore shoes? Much too long.), and put on the gait belt as Heide hurried over.

When she came back, right in front of me and reaching for me, I had to stop her, "Wait, wait! Heide!" I cried, one hand on her shoulder as I used the others sleeve to furiously wipe her drool encrusted cheek.

She whined, "Kyle! He's getting up!"

"Wait, you still-!"

She didn't wait.

I just about choked when she grabbed the belt and in the same second, lifted and turned me over to the wheelchair waiting to my left. She didn't wait to make sure I was settled before just dropping me down, and I felt like my stomach dropped. My hip struck it in the process, and I was already blowing through my clenched teeth at the pain when Heide bent down to get my legs leveled.

Trust me, I knew we were in a rush so I could do as I promised (since I failed to do it yesterday, he was in and out with Irene in a flash), but I already felt ill. She was always my emergency helper, since her room was right above mine, and I couldn't rely on Irene when she was so far along in her pregnancy. I appreciated Heide's help, she used to always help Irene, but still, ow...

Running my hands furiously through my messy hair, I scowled at her as she got up to her feet, giving me my blanket, "Way to rival Julien, huh?"

She just nodded quickly, "Yep!" And rushed out of the room as I was still putting the blanket over my lap. Julien's bed was creaking loudly, and groaning, I quickly wheeled myself out to the front door, where Heide was already waiting with an impatient groan.

Heide held the door wide open for me, and with my hands still shaking, I hurried down the ramp, and honestly got a little nervous when I heard her following after me.

Julien already slipped himself out of bed, standing on the platform surrounding it. With one hand scratching through his awful bedhead (and I thought I had it bad), and the other reaching through the bottom of his blouse to scratch at his stomach, his eyes were closed and his lips smacking together as they were tugged in a smile.

He sure woke up feeling nice, but looking nice...

Mumbling a bit from his earlier sleep, he repeatedly blinked his eyes, and suddenly, opening them wide, "W-Wha...?" Smile gone and eyebrows scrunched together, he lowered his head, "W-What're you two doing up already?"

Frowning, I waited until he took a step down closer so he could better hear before asking, "What were you planning to make for breakfast?"

"Hm? I, uh, don't know, probably oatmeal-"

"Again?" Heide and I both said, though hers was more of a quiet mutter, so he probably only caught mine.

Now with both hands running through his messed up hair, he got closer, and I suddenly noticed the looseness around me. Clicking my tongue, I hurried to put on my seatbelt. "I don't even have time to make something good for me, Kyle!" We always got your leftovers.

"Well, then you can eat something different this morning!"

He choked out, exasperated, "What do I make?"

"Kedgeree-"

"I don't have the time for that!" He said before groaning, running his hands down his face, "I'm coming home right after practice and then I'll make food, I promise-"

Right when Julien started to turn around, and right when I started to think of something else, Heide took a large step forward, and yelled out, "French toast, then!"

I felt ill. This is not what we agreed on! When Julien backed over to us, I just sighed and decided to let it go. French toast was fine, it was fine, it was fine...

Taking another step forward, Heide said, "And not your leftovers, actually make them for us."

His eyes narrowed, "Do you know how long that would take for me to make that much?"

"Yes." She said, and both Julien and I waited for her to continue, but she didn't. Just yes.

Eyes narrowing further, Julien fully turned himself back towards us and took steps over. My blood already ran cold from the fact that he looked much more awake and aware than earlier, and it didn't get any better, seeing as he was looking right at Heide.

His fingers grabbed hold of the edge of the table, making me flinch, fearing looking up at him, as his shadow was already engulfing me.

"Okay..." He said it slowly. "If you want me to do stuff like that for you, then how about you tag along with me for the morning?"

No.

I wasted no time to lean far out of my seat as I could with the seatbelt, reaching out farther, and grabbing a tight hold of Heide's hand with both of mine, but even then, Julien had already had his hand right over in front of her. I felt her jump when I quickly got to her before he did, and I responded by pulling her closer to me, and she stumbled back on the way.

"Kyle, please..." He sighed with annoyance, reaching over further and quickly caught her other arm. In a frenzied panic, I threw my arms around her waist, pulling her closer to me before he could pull her off, and he instantly stopped.

Breathing ragged, I tried to look up at him. Since I was already leaning forward to hold onto Heide, I couldn't crane my neck enough to see the rest of his face, only his frown, but the fact that his hand was frozen right in front of us was a good enough indicator.

Fine. French toast was fine.

Breathing hoarse, I choked out, "Make sure to cook all the eggs. And put some fruit, like strawberries or raspberries too, while you're at it..."

"... Fine." He took his hand back, taking some steps back. "I'm gonna take you when I get home, then."

That's what I was expecting. Didn't upset me any less, though.

I waited until I could see he was turning himself around to leave the room before removing myself from Heide, sitting back in my seat with the heaviest sigh, deflating.

Heide only turned her head around to look down at me, "You're not supposed to do that."

Still breathing heavily, I looked up at her, "What?"

"We told you not to put yourself out there when Julien's mad."

"I wouldn't say he was mad-"

"Still."

"Well, weren't you uncomfortable about going with him?"

"A lot. But still."

But, still...

I used to always do that. At first, it wasn't really my choice, it was always Ernest that would make me, already knowing before I that Julien was more lenient with me. Then, it became almost second nature.

Now, though...

I could feel my heart hammering against my chest. My ears would plug up. I'd start to sweat. My breath would get shorter and shorter until I could barely breathe. My mind would sometimes be in such haywire that my senses would die down.

But, still...

"I just have to make sure you're safe."

Heide crossed her arms over her chest, pouting down at me, and I only smiled.

"Come on, you have to get dressed. Sorry for waking you up like that." I turned myself around to go back in the house, making sure she was following me. "Also, wasn't aware that french toast was part of the plan."

"It was the first thing that came to mind!"

"Sure."

---

We got french toast. Sure. Fine. That was fine.

Of course it was more than fine for Irene, she wanted something nice and sweet. Of course it was more than fine for Ernest, he was a pig. Of course it was more than fine for Heide, she had a sweet tooth. Of course it was fine for Carmen, she wanted some change.

Me? Well...

It was fine.

After finishing eating and washing up, Irene and Ernest stayed outside a little longer while the girls and I went back into the house which was somehow a lot warmer. We had asked for a battery powered heater but Julien kept neglecting to give it, just like the damn water for the showers.

"What's wrong with french toast?"

I was still a little dazed, tugging at some strands of my hair when Carmen spoke to me. She got off the smaller couch with Heide to sit on the bigger one, leaning over the armrest with a furrowed brow.

"Oh, um..." I laughed nervously, "It's not really the french toast, it's fine. I just want Julien to begin making some bigger meals. And, I don't know..." I glanced at Heide, who seemed to be waiting for it with a pout. "Get some of us to eat more healthy."

"Julien wants to be a good cook, but he's too much of a pig." Elbows at the armrest, her hands kept her head up, and she shrugged. "He's always liked fast food."

"Tell me about it..." I sighed, "At least you know how to prepare bigger meals."

She suddenly jumps, squeaking out, "What?"

Confused at how that startled her so much, I just smiled, "Since you have a more diverse taste in food, and you know how to prepare it yourself. You taught Julien some stuff too, didn't you?" Before all this of course.

Narrowing her eyes, she moved her hands away, sitting back and looking down, "Ah... Y-Yeah..."

I was only more confused. Maybe because I mentioned her and Julien before? Shit.

"Uh, sor-"

The front door opened, and Ernest was speaking right away, "Something sweet, thank God."

I gave him a frown, "You're welcome."

"Actually," Heide sat up, "You're welcome!" What? "Kyle was gonna make Julien make something that sounded healthy."

"Boo, not cool." He sat down with Irene joining him to his left as always, crossing his arms over his chest and giving me a scowl, "You know? I'd prefer to have some, as you call it, junk to eat every now and then."

"Weren't you getting bored of oatmeal every morning?"

He shrugged, "Food is food." Which, really, I should have expected. His motto in life.

Before I could even say anything, Irene sighed out, "Okay, but did you know?" I most likely didn't. "That Julien had cheeseburgers yesterday."

I wasn't that shocked, "Again?"

She was the one who looked shocked, "Yes."

Carmen, with her arms folded over the armrest, still burying her red face in them, mumbled, "What a goddamn fuckin' pig..."

Irene narrowed her eyes at her, "Hey-"

"Little fucking-"

"Carmen!" Irene cried out in aggravation, "Why do you have to curse all the time?"

"Yeah." Heide pointed, "Stop that."

"I don't have to stop jack shi-"

"Anyway!" I shivered, not finding much comfort in her frequent cursing either, so I wanted to give a try at changing the topic, "He's actually going to be making food today."

Still mumbling, Carmen asked, "What, though?"

Uhhh... "I, um... Something."

Ernest snickered, "If you have anything to do with it..." I definitely did, and I saw Heide perk up, but I urgently looked at her with a shake of the head. "You'd suck the joy out of it, won't you?"

Scoffing, I told him, "I only want you to be healthy, garbage eater! Plus, it's more for Irene and the baby than for you."

Irene smiled, "Thank you, Kyle."

"So, we shouldn't be running out of peanut butter anytime soon!"

Irene wasn't smiling anymore, "Way to throw me under the bus."

"Okay, then, wise guy..." Ernest hunched over, elbows on his knees, "Why don't you make lunch today?" So, I was gonna make lunch and help Julien make dinner, oh, joy. "I've been doing it for almost a week now."

I gave him a look, "Okay, but you're gonna have to help me. Be my service dog or something." The good thing about this wheelchair was the headrest, make it more comfortable when I had the need to sleep. The bad thing however, and it was a big one, I couldn't reach behind me and it was hard to reach beside. Maneuvering myself in the house, kitchen area especially, was hard enough.

Frowning, I waited for him to shoot something stupid back at me, and I'm sure the others were too from their looks at him, but he seemed to be in his own world for a second there. Squinted eyes looking down, and then suddenly, they wet wide and he gaped at me.

"A dog!" He gasped, and confused, I tilted my head, "You're gonna have a service dog!"

"Uh, I think so, yeah..." I had problems on top of problems. Wheelchair-bound, yeah, okay. Adding the sleeping spells? Chaos.

He kept staring at me, before shaking his head and crying out, "Why don't you look excited about that?"

"Keyword: service. Plus, you know I'm more of a cat person."

"There are no service cats, Kyle!" He cried out, and Carmen quickly turned around to scowl at him, "Okay, there are, but none that can help you!" Sighing, he sat back in his seat, "And yes, I know that, as much as it pains me."

Carmen, back down to her folded arms, peered up at me through them, "Would you still get a cat? Service dogs should be nice to them..."

I didn't have much hesitation, "I think so. My parents didn't want me to have pets, and then Alan had allergies, and then I was either in class at work, so..."

"You're not gonna be busy after, too?" Irene asked me with a smirk, "Working or studying and all."

Nervously, I laughed, shaking my head, "Oh, Anzo Corp could say goodbye to me after this... Studying, yeah, but at least I'll have some free time. How about you?"

She smiled, "Of course, I'll have some sort of break because of the baby. Ernest and I will be getting our schedules down so when he's working..." Beside her, the man in question suddenly looked confused and ill. "I'm free, and when I'm in class and soon working, he's free."

Heide looked back and forth at the two of us, "I can't believe you guys never met before..." I had similar thoughts, though more along the lines of: I wish we met before.

"That school is a big place, sweetie." Irene told her, and just as Heide was saying something else, she added something that made the girl groan, "And don't worry, we're gonna help you get up there."

Carmen continued to watch me, blinking, "And, do you think your family is gonna stay around?" I froze suddenly. "You said they all came back right away after the, um, robbing incident, even though they had just left."

My vision got a little hazy. "They will," I said, and I believed it, so I didn't know why it hurt. "As soon as they hear, they will." I believed it, completely, so why did it hurt to say? "And Alan... Alan even knows I'm still alive, so..."

Why?

"It's just a matter of how long they stay..."

---

Julien's schedule had been all over the place recently. He never got back on schedule, that was the thing.

We didn't think he was really going out on Monday, he presented it as a hopeful scenario, and we were worried sick for Heide all night. Then came Tuesday, the dumb old man kept the teen in his office all evening. And then there was Wednesday, yesterday, running errands much longer than they usually did. I really wasn't expecting him to keep the promise of returning home on time.

But, he did. He did, right on time after his practice at about five.

I wasn't even awake when he arrived. Another sleeping spell, I'm sure of it, because the last thing I remember was Carmen sort of geeking out about cats and Ernest doing the same with dogs, but then I woke up. Maybe an hour or two later? Heide was in front of me, almost scaring me (Almost. I lived with her for too long.), her hand on the top of my head, and behind her, everyone else was looking at me. Now that scared me.

Julien was right outside, and I heard the familiar sound of his fingers dragging along the table. "Kyle! Come on. I'm giving you five minutes."

And that horrified me.

"Why does he want you?" Still sitting near in front of me on the couch, leaning over, Carmen squinted.

Urgently, I looked at Heide, but she didn't get to see my look, because she piped out, "Julien told Kyle this morning he'd have to help him figure out what to cook." With her hand still over my head, she added the final detail, "I think it's because he was using himself to protect me."

Shit.

"Oh, my God..." Ernest sighed, hand over his eyes, while Irene just closed her eyes with a shake of the head.

Sputtering, I pushed Heide's hand off me, "Was I just supposed to let him take her?"

He jumped, lowering his hand and narrowing his eyes at me, "What? No-!"

"Then what was I supposed to do?!"

Another bored call from outside, "Kyle, come onnn... I'm sure you guys are gonna get hungry real soon."

I didn't even know what he should make yet!

Frustrated, I groaned out, "It's fine, it's fine! I'm just telling him what to make and making sure he doesn't burn the house down, it's fine!" If it was fine, my heart wouldn't be pounding so much. "Just - ugh - Irene, what would you like to eat?"

I thought she'd be more understanding, "I'd rather you just stayed here, Kyle!"

Enough, I didn't want to be scared any further. "Fine, I'll figure something out!" I curled my fingers back and forth to make sure they were working properly, before reaching down the sides for the wheels, "It'll be quick!"

Right as I left the living room area, I heard Carmen jump herself off the couch. No, no, no! She was not going to guilt me or get herself into trouble! I only moved faster towards the door, and as soon as I opened it, she was right behind me.

"Take this then!"

"What?" I barely looked back before she reached over, taking my hand and placing the handle of the item in it, forcing my fingers to grasp it. "A knife!? Carmen, I'm not-!"

"Just in case-!"

"In case what? I'm not actually making the food!" I was so flustered, that as I was hurrying past the door and out onto the porch, I didn't even hand her the knife back. And I mostly knew that fact, because, as the door closed behind me, and I looked up, Julien was up there, giving me a stern look.

"Kyle," He whispered, eyes narrowing, "Why do you have a knife?"

His sharp eyes could really catch anything. Jumping, I looked down at it, "O-Oh, sorry, I just-"

"Drop it."

"I-I'll just-"

"Drop. It."

Nervous, I lifted it over to my right, before dropping it, letting it clang on the porch. I could only hope the others would see it and not hurt themselves.

Julien kept giving me that unnerving stare, before wiping his nose and tapping down at the table. Uneasy, I turned and made my way down there, just getting more uncomfortable by seeing the sharp object lying there.

"You know..." He sounded pretty annoyed, "I gave you guys more supplies, like that knife, so you can manage when I'm away."

"I know."

"... So, why did you have it?" It only took him a second to say.

Honestly, I really, truly didn't know. What was Carmen expecting of me? So, I didn't know what I was supposed to say.

"Kyle?"

I just got off the ramp and onto the table, "Oh, um..." Was it worth faking a sleeping spell? Maybe? No? "I, um... I was making another sandwich for..." Someone who eats too much. "Ernest, and I was spaced out and... Forgot."

"Hm. I thought I told Irene not to let you near knives." Wait, what? "That was a long time ago, she probably forgot... Well, anyway, here we go!" He was all smiles again, and I was compelled to stop wheeling my way towards where he wanted me, at the center. "What should I make for dinner? Whatever you want, I'll even make big dishes to just bring down! I'm all stocked up on ingredients and stuff too, so don't worry."

"I... I don't know."

"... Well! You can figure it out quick, I still have that book of ideas you gave me, we can run them by you?" His finger tapped over in front of me, making me jump. "You're buckled. Come on, unbuckle."

I hated this part. I hated it.

Looking down at my red blanket, where the buckle was hiding. "... Why... Do I have to...?"

"Because, Kyle," He gave me that so-called "sweet" (read: condescending) tone. "I like to have you perfectly in my hands. Now, come on."

My breath was getting stuck in my throat, "You could still let me have my wheelchair..."

He tutted, "Kyle. It's not that hard to do. I want you in my hands, where you belong."

Where I belong...

"So, hurry-"

"I belong in my wheelchair."

Pretend, pretend, pretend...

I didn't want the life sucked out of me again.

But, I also couldn't keep going on like this.

It scared me to death to crane my head up to look at Julien, and I found that he took a step or two back, giving me a confused stare. Confused. That's not what I wanted.

"I'm in this for a reason, aren't I?" I had to pretend at least a little bit, but the mere thought of doing it got me a little choked up. I'm sure my voice cracked back there, too. "You g-got me this for a reason, didn't you? I-It..." Pisses me off. "Upsets me when you take that away from me."

He kept blinking.

"You can have me in your hands, say, when neither of us is doing anything..." Actually, no, never have me in your damn hands. "B-But, not w-when..."

Blinking.

I never felt so pathetic.

"... O... Okay..."

What?

I almost shrieked in alarm when his fingers pinched at either side of my wheelchair.

"W-Wait!" There was my shriek, "Be careful, don't br-break it!"

"I won't, I won't!" He groaned, but it did nothing to ease my concerns. In a panic, I raise my arms to grab ever so tightly at the armrests, and of course, my stomach falls when he picks me up. Wheelchair or no wheelchair, he moved much too quickly. He must have noticed my panicked look as he brings me closer to his chest, because he groans out again, "I got you, I got you!"

"D-Don't break-"

"I won't!" Despite that, he had no qualms about tilting me over in between his fingers. I clenched my teeth to hold in my panicked squeal and clenched my hands even tighter around the armrests as he set me in his open palm.

My heart fell when I felt the dip behind me, "Wait, wait, wait!" And I moved only back just a bit before jamming to a stop once the wheels hit his curled up fingers, and the jam was hard enough to get me flinging off if I hadn't been buckled. "I... Have to put it on lock..." I was far too exhausted as I leaned down to do so.

His thumb moved over and pressed at the side of my head, and I only gagged. "Relax. I thought you wanted this?"

"I do, but I'm just not used to it..." He's done it before, but rarely. I winced in annoyance as his thumb brushed along the side of my head, and as soon as he started taking just a couple of steps, I decided, since I was already here, I can go further. "Put the heater on."

His steps slowed down, "What?"

"Put on the heater."

"Kyle, it's not that cold-"

Groaning, I hung my head.

"... Is it?"

"Yes," I sighed, "It is. Just - turn it on, please, everyone is really cold." If I wasn't precious enough for him to listen, I had to use a bigger card. "It can't be good for the baby."

"Actually," What? "Heat is a much bigger danger for pregnancy. I keep the room at the ideal temperature. "

This was ideal!?

"But, yeah, sure, it can go a couple of degrees up until dinner is ready."

Feeling more than a little ill, with my one hand still on the armrest and the other covering my face, I just kept groaning softly as Julien went about turning the heat on and leaving the room to head down into the kitchen. Each step he made down the numerous stairs only made me feel sicker, and his thumb that kept coming back to brush against my hair, yeah, sicker.

"You guys are always cold." He said, and, again, I felt so ill with my heart leaping up to my throat, a dizzying sensation in both my stomach and head as he grabbed the sides of my wheelchair and set me down on the countertop. Uneasy, I hung my head down and tried to fight away the numbness entering me, the darkness coating my vision.

Everything was dark, everything was faint, everything was muffled. "... Have a list... If you guys didn't want... So there's some..."

What...?

"... Hey... Hey... Kyle!" And it all snapped together when Julien snapped his fingers right in front of my face. Or, well, it partially snapped together. I kept blinking, and Julien's hand waved away, but it was all moving so slow, there were remaining traces of its earlier position.

Dazed, I kept watching the moving and blurring images, eyelids heavy, and Julien quickly reached over and tilted my head to the side with his finger.

"What's wrong?" He asked as the images started settling back together, "You don't look so good."

I consider exaggerating so I could just go back to rest, but decide against it. "N-No, I'm f-fine, I just got a bit dizzy." Paralyzed legs was one thing. Constant tiredness and sleeping spells was one thing. Sudden loss of mobility was one thing. Waking up stuck in my physical sleep state was one thing. But this, these daytime visual hallucinations, were definitely another. They came up so rarely before, but they've gotten so much more frequent now. Slurred images, dripping images, stuck images, inverted images. I hated it.

Julien was still standing high and tall, but then he finally got down somewhat to my level, and I winced as his finger kept rubbing my hair.

"You have any ideas on what you want me to make?" He finally pulled away, stepping back and slipping his jacket off. "We still got about almost an hour left until dinner, we have time now. It's' just breakfast that I can't work on."

I kept looking around. God, I hated being stuck in his room all the damn time. He hardly ever took me out of there, and when he did, it was usually here, but I still tried soaking everything in yet again.

"And, uh, I'll even bring it down..."

Hearing that kind of made me sick. Bring down. It was supposed to feel better to have meals our size, makes us not feel so small and pathetic, but when he puts it like that when he makes it instead of us in the house, it gives a whole different take.

Especially when I helped him before he brings it down, especially when he shows it to me before he brings it down. From my scale, it's all so big, and then next time I see it, well, it's still big, for a family of five, but...

A very small family of five.

"Pft... The things I do for you guys..."

Disgusted, I just keep my blank face and nod, "Yeah... Thanks..."

He wouldn't have to be cooking for six only to bring most of it down if he hadn't been so stupid.

Sounding so stupid and oblivious, he just sheepishly grins, "You're welcome! Anything for you." And sets down his jacket on one of the nearby chairs before returning over. "Have you guys been doing well, making your lunch and even dinners?"

"Yeah. Ernest and Carmen help out a lot there." I said, "But, it would help if we had something like... Even a microwave would do-"

He frowns, "Kyle, you know I don't trust having those stuff in your little house." Here we go. "You guys are lucky that I even give you lamps and stuff like that. I don't want an accident to happen."

"What about a heater?"

"Those are even worse!" He sighs, one hand on his hip and the other brushing his hair back. "I said I might, might get you guys only one, but it's only gonna last for little over a month." He walks over, and I flinch as he comes closer right against the countertop I'm at, reaching up for one of the books sitting up on the shelves.

How badly I want to tell him off, but I just sigh out, "Okay..."

"Okay, so here are the things you've told me, I think we've tried most of them by now." He settles back down once he has a small notebook. Opening it up, he presents two pages to me, and I squint at them. He was more about getting some tips from me with finding out about Irene's pregnancy. I hadn't much knowledge in the whole pregnancy nutrition field, but after looking through some of the books, I tried devising some ideas. "I'm all stocked up on ingredients... Okay, maybe I don't have some stuff, but I can go check another kitchen easy, no one's home."

Though I was squinting at the all the words on the pages, my mind was wandering elsewhere, still on the topic, but not on any of these. I looked down in thought, and nervously, Julien flipped the pages, thinking maybe it was on another page, but I just frowned.

"Okay." I said, looking back up at him, as I leaned down to unlock my wheelchair, "You better have a lot of ingredients, because there's a lot."

Though he was smiling, his eyes were screaming.

---

Julien has been trying, that I can't deny. Trying. But, still, I had to keep holding back, trying to be nice when he was doing everything wrong. He didn't even know half of the most basic ingredients, he kept coming back and forth, asking, "This one?" Since he didn't want to exhaust me by taking me with him to the cabinets.

Honestly. It was just thai meatballs, broccoli, and noodles. Not that hard.

Seriously. The ingredients only consisted of: coconut milk, peanut butter, curry paste, honey, soy sauce, fish sauce, fish sauce, sesame oil, beef, egg, spinach, green onion...

That's all! Not too hard!

Julien quickly dropped me back off before even "bringing it down", and what did you know, I was still dizzy and dazed as I was left there from everything. Staring at my two hands down in front of me, just staring weakly as my fingers were dripping down to nonexistence, and being woken by Heide at the front door of the house, calling my name.

They were pretty pleased to have some warmness from the heater, but it was shut down very soon. Julien was probably getting too uncomfortable with it, the little brat. When he returned with the much smaller food (again, I felt sick), he was distracted, on his phone, trying to call someone, and quickly and quietly told us to hurry and eat before rushing right out the door.

Never a good sign.

"Again," Ernest was taking up most of it, much to Carmen's glaring anger. His chewing while talking irritated me the most, "I will die for your food! Yours! Not made by Julien."

I scoffed, "Again, I could give you an expired tv dinner and you'll think it's a five-star meal." Compliments from the others meant more to me.

"Yeah." Irene scowled, shoving him, "Now eat the broccoli."

I thought Ernest would throw a fit, given the fact that he pushed the greens to the side, but he instead hurried to take them all in. Mouth still full, he glanced at the door, "Did Julien take some?"

Frowning, I nodded, "I'm sure he did."

Everyone kept on talking, everyone but Heide. Troubled, I looked at her, only to find her staring blankly over at the door in which Julien exited. Before I could say anything, she sighed and shook her head to herself and continued to eat, so, shamefully, I let it go.

---

Julien returned by the time we got back in the house, and proceeded to take a long shower before going to bed, much, much too early. Maybe he was tired after a long day at school, a long day at practice, and a long evening cooking dinner?

He didn't turn off all the lights, so we assumed it was still fine for us to stay up talking (he likes us all to sleep and wake up at the same time). Still, we ended up turning lights off and going to bed way over an hour earlier than normal.

By the time I got settled back into bed, Julien's lights were all off, but that was still concerning, because that meant he was probably still awake all that time he lied in bed. Sighing, I kept trying to wipe away all those torturous exchanges I had with him, and then my door opened.

I was still sat up in bed, hands over my face, and smiling, I stayed like that for awhile as I heard the person come in and take a seat at the chair next to my bed. "I mean... At least we don't really have to go to sleep for another hour or so."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking." Carmen said, "I can never really sleep anyway."

Removing my hands, I looked at her. Slumped forward towards me in the chair, a blanket all wrapped around her, it was hard to make out her face in this dark.

She started to come around a lot more these past few months, ever since she first came in to talk to me. She began to come in to talk to me about some stuff at night more often. Sure, it was a bit uncomfortable, I must admit, all her cursing and... Eccentricities... She was certainly someone else, and it comforted me, knowing she was probably comforted by this honesty.

Learning down forward to the armrest of the chair like she was doing on the sofa, she muttered, "I think it'd be cool if we could cook something together. You're right, there's nothing much we can make in here but snacks."

"I would like to do that," I chuckled, "And, we will. Promise."

She snickered, hanging her head down and lower and lower. The silence was starting to concern me, and I kept hesitating. This usually meant something was bothering her, but I took quite too long on thinking what to say.

"Today you said something... Funny." That word held a different meaning to Carmen, and already, I knew what she was talking about, and my breathing and heart rate got unsteady. But then, with a nervous chuckle, she backtracked, "Actually, you said something funny a few months ago, too." Funny still held the same meaning, so I was still scared, if not more.

"... What is it?"

"You once said... You once said something like, that they'd be mad that you're disabled now."

"Oh... Oh, n-no no no, I didn't... It's just..." I was shaking. "You know, they just... Wouldn't know how to deal with it? They might... See me more differently? Because, and I don't remember this clearly because I didn't see much firsthand, but they never really understood..." Even now, I didn't want to say the words. Out of shame? "My anxiety? My PTSD? They just didn't understand, and I was lucky enough to have Alan explain to them, but they still didn't get it - not that I blame them. So, it's just in the sense that they won't... Understand, maybe?" I kept thinking for more to say, but then a memory crept into my head, and I started chuckling.

"What?" She leaned closer, "What is it?"

"There was this one time..." I laughed softly, "I think I was about twelve - before the incident - and I went to California with my brother. He told Mom that he was taking me to this amusement park, and she's real spiritual see, and she calls back and keeps panicking and telling him not to let me on this one particular ride."

"What? Why not?"

Fighting off another laugh, I imitate her, "My psychic friend says Kyle will get hurt and break his back if he rides that!" Now we're both laughing, so I go on, "But we both already went on that ride together! So then, my brother gets this idea - when he stops being serious he can be so out of his mind - when we come back home, he makes me put on a neck brace and get into a wheelchair."

Why was this starting to hurt?

"He kept telling me to act hurt and take everything seriously. We get out of the car, he keeps on telling me, and our Mom is the first to walk out and greet us."

"And what'd she do?"

"She was so sad!" I groaned softly, "She was all shocked and she was sort of starting to cry, and I never really see my family get emotional like that, so then I dropped the act almost instantly, I got right up to my feet to show her it was a joke."

Yeah, it hurt.

With my eyes stinging, I closed them and just shook my head, smiling, "And I wonder... If they're gonna think this is a prank, too... I kind of wish they would, so then they wouldn't just be hurt when they're around me."

"So long as you're back, I don't think they'll be hurt..."

"... I hope so." I let out a slow breath, "I just now that it shouldn't matter. I'm still me, I know that much now, and I've always been. Nothing changes that."

She paused, hesitating, and it unnerved me, "What about what you said today?"

I knew she wasn't referring to just that, but nervous, I stammered out, "They will see me."

"Yeah, but you don't think for long?"

"Th-That's just..." I found myself chuckling weakly, just trying to blow it off. "I... They will be worried. I know they will, they were back when... Th-That stuff happened a-and... A-And I know that they're... Hoping..."

"But, how long would they stay?"

"... Long enough."

"How long is long enough?"

"Long enough that I don't trouble their work." I was starting to shake. Breathing heavy, I kept trying to smile as I shook my head, looking down, "I... That's the most I could ever get. Being ahead of their work..."

"... I'm sorry. For asking too much-"

"N-No, don't be-"

"It's just that I relate."

My trembling instantly slowed itself down, and with slightly narrowing eyes, I turned my head back over to look at her. It was still too dark, I couldn't make out her face, only the form of hers covered by that huge blanket, slumping down further.

She hesitated, "All attention to me. That's what I want. I mean - I heard what they said. They think I ran away or something. That sort of makes me feel worse? Because I'm scared that'll make them accept it too easy, and me coming back wouldn't... Mean that much?I mean, I mean..." She laughed softly, "Like... I want to have all my Mom's attention. Maybe even get some... Person back. Stuff like that. And not this honeymoon phase of me being back, I don't want to be blown off, sort of like, oh, you're back! I don't want that. I want to be important, and I want it to last forever." Another laugh, "It's sort of selfish of, pft, stupidly unrealistic of me, but I can't help it."

It took me awhile, thinking, settling on what to say. Yet, I didn't put much thought into it, as I leaned a bit closer to the edge of my bed closer to her, "If I remember correctly..." I whispered, and Carmen perked up. "Didn't your Mother throw her drink at Julien?"

She spurted out another laugh, hanging her head and shaking her head with further snickers. Smiling, I rested my head back.

"I don't think it's selfish of you. There's nothing wrong with wanting a family."

With a small snicker still in her voice, she asked, "Do you want a family?" And I nodded instantly, and she must have made it out, because she went on, "So, why don't you want them to put you first forever?"

"I... It's not that I don't want them to put me first. I just... Gave up..." I blinked, my eyes getting foggy even though it was already dark enough in here. It bothered me, and I closed them in an effort to clear them out. "I always wanted to be apart of a family, I wanted to be their son, and their brother, not just this kid. So much that it would make me angry, but then I realized that wasn't doing anything for me. For any of us. So, I guess I gave up, if that's the right term, because I didn't..."

Didn't want to waste my time anymore? Didn't want to bother them? Didn't want to be apart of it?

Carmen whispered out, "Didn't want to be hurt?"

"... Yeah." I whispered back, "That's it."

Silence.

We both stayed where we were, sort of just breathing in and out, looking around. Hm. It really did suck. I tried not to think about it, because, well, there are other things to worry about. Well, now I was...

"Like I said though..." I shivered out, "We can all be family-"

Suddenly, Carmen sat right up, turning around and I damn near bit my tongue. Startled and confused, I watched as she quickly jumped out of her seat and slammed my door open.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

Oh, Heide...

"You w-weren't-!" Heide's wail of pain right as Carmen started swatting, and I just sighed with a tired smile. "You w-weren't in your r-room!"

"So, you were planning on stalking me again!?"

"N-No, I only look for a s-second!"

Shaking my head, I wrestled my way further down the bed, grabbing hold of the covers just as I see Carmen grab Heide by the arm. Burying my head in the pillow, I try to speak over Heide's excuses and Carmen's curses, "Just go to bed, girls, and close my door on the way out."

This family was a lot louder than I was used to.

And, I'm not going to lie...

I loved it.