Living Dolls

25Carmen

After Heide ruined everything last night with her insufferable stalking, I was still too heated to go to sleep, so it took quite awhile. There was no clock in here (only in the living room), so I don't know how long, but it felt like maybe three or four hours? Either way, I instantly woke up and choked on my own breath in shock, when everything rattled up and to the side.

Julien had to be a piece of shit in every sense of the word, didn't he?

For as long as I knew him, he was an insufferable morning person. I never had to deal with it every morning like Tiffany did, of course, what with us never going to school together, but I still heard enough of it and got reminders.

Annoying good morning texts every other sunrise, some even trying to start a conversation as if I was awake. And that time, three years ago, when he had to sleep the night. Torture. Woke up so early, chipper and all, and expected me to be the same.

I was already awake and upset enough, and it only heightened when after a few minutes, the door opened. No talking, so it couldn't be Ernest and Irene. Sighing, I buried my face back into the pillow.

Pulling the covers tighter over me as I heard the footsteps, I kept on groaning and groaning, so displeased with this all.

As soon as I felt the hand over the top of my head, though, I flipped the covers off me.

"Don't touch me!" I hissed, quickly sitting up and rubbing my eye with my bottom of my palm. "What did I tell you? You don't touch me! You knew I was awake, you talk to me instead of being weird."

"I barely even touched you, though..." Heide sort of mumbled behind me, and I just rolled my eyes. I had to train her to learn personal space somehow. I sat up further and freed my hair from its ponytail. "And, you were all whining, I didn't think talking would get you."

Scoffing, I asked, "And touching me will?"

"Well, it worked?"

This girl.

Shaking my head, I got up off the bed and tried to just ignore the girl, going over to the drawer and pulling one of them open. I didn't hear any footsteps, and when I turned around, there Heide was, watching me with a furrowed brow, arms down to her sides, head tilted.

I kept staring, holding a grey sweater, waiting for her to get the hint. When she didn't, I spat, "Leave."

She did, but not without puffing her cheeks and raising her eyebrows. I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes, trying not to say anything else as she left the room, closing the door behind her.

God, I fucking hated mornings.

When I was finished and opened the door, I was mildly disappointed to not find the girl waiting there. Blowing it off, I went down the stairs, wrapping my arms around myself to try fighting off the cold. The heater yesterday couldn't last, huh? I so wanted to bring myself out there with my blanket around me, but I only knew it would draw the little fuck's attention.

I mean, I already got enough of his attention by going out with Kyle every day.

Kyle, near the front door, only just noticed me when I was halfway there, from my footsteps. He turned around real quick, before looking forward again with a smile, "Good morning. You didn't hurt Heide too bad last night, did you?"

My shoulders sunk with my heavy sigh, "I didn't hurt her at all." And moved past him to open the door. As he went out past me, I warily looked over out into the regular sized room, looking for Satan himself.

Ah, there he was. That dumb fuck.

Frown deepening, I furrowed a brow and watched as he sat himself down, on the fucking floor, by his bed to tie his shoes, cellphone sitting by his side. He kept tying and retying, grumbling under his breath. Why not sit at his bed, or the chair to do that? God, every little thing he did annoyed me. Whatever, I sighed and followed Kyle down to the table, so long as he was farther away from us.

Spoke too soon.

Just when I was seated with everyone else, just when I got my meal, just when I was just starting to take a bite of the ripped up blueberry pancake bits, Julien finally seemed to finish tying his shoes for the tenth time, he rose his grumbles to a call. Not to me, but it still pissed me off nonetheless, especially as the man in front of me froze. "Hey, Dad."

What the fuck did he want now?

Glowering, I shoot my eyes over. He was still sitting on the floor by his bed, too far for him to hear us, so I didn't see the point. Picking up his cell phone from the floor, he scrolled through it with a look of annoyance.

"Remember? What happened - on Tuesday?" I didn't, so I gave Ernest a confused look, but he just looked down at his feet. "It's weird... I thought Ewald would still be on my back since I only left because he got called for something. But he hasn't - he hasn't even got Alan on me yet..." Frowning deeper at his phone, he sighed, standing himself up and stuffing it into his pocket. "I don't want this to be another... Thing of his, or whatever."

He hurried over, and I just clenched my teeth in anger when his shadow cast over all of his, his fingers drumming at the end of the table.

"It better not be. Huh?"

Ernest had chewed food stuck in his cheeks ever since Julien addressed him (which I use lightly, since "Dad" was not Ernest's name), because he swallowed loudly, "Y-Yeah."

Julien didn't seem too satisfied with his answer, which was stupid as hell, because what else was he supposed to say? "Hmmm..." And then the fuck addressed me. I thought he'd be dumb enough to fall for the "they don't see you if you don't move" gimmick. "And, hey, Carm, do you know what people were messaging me about yesterday?"

Heide was taking a drink of her milk, "She doesn't-" Which, again, obvious.

"Not talking to you, Heide." His hand quickly rose from the table, shooting over towards her, and the girl damn near choked on her milk in a panic. Just before he could flick her, he moved his hand back to the end of the table. All for scares, I guess. "Well, people were-"

"I'm not interested in your drama, Julien." Not anymore. With that, I finally started eating the food, already knowing he couldn't have been bothered spilling stuff to me, not when he had to go right about now.

The final "get your ass in the car" alarm sounded, and sighing heavy, Julien backed away from us.

"I swear to God," After reaching in his pocket to silence his phone, he walked away and picked up his backpack, "You're so annoying I can even get Kyle for that." And both me and Kyle sneered. He didn't keep walk to his door, he just stood there, back facing us.

"... Have a good day..." Heide mumbled, and going red, I shoved her. She didn't listen, as Julien probably didn't hear such a small mumble, so she groaned and yelled out, "HAVE A GOOD DAY!"

I was just starting to grumble in anger towards Heide when Julien plainly said, "Thank you." And then continued his way out the door.

And proceeded to slam it shut.

"Huh, he hasn't left the closet door open like this in a while." Ernest nonchalantly said as Heide finally turned to me, frowning.

She seemed to be waiting for my rant. Sputtering, I choked out, "Why - the hell-?"

"Carmen," Irene interjected, "He wasn't gonna leave until someone said it."

"I told you the other night, didn't I?" Heide looked blank. "That I'd rather just say it than him hurting-"

"Yeah, yeah! Fuck it, whatever." I sat back again, ignoring Irene's scolding words as I tried to finish eating.

It seemed Kyle was able to pick up what I did earlier, giving Ernest a confused look, "What happened on Tuesday night? You never told us, you just..."

Ernest groaned through his chewing, "I did tell you! Just Ewald doing that same old shit."

"But, about him leaving...?"

"That's why Jules left to grab a bite to eat. The old man had to do something, so Jules booked it back here. That's it, like I know what he's talking about... He should be glad Ewald's done with it, I don't know what's the matter with him."

"How annoying..." I grumbled, struggling to keep myself eating. Heide kept giving me this dumb curious look, and I just kept glaring at her. It kept irritating me whenever she did as Julien wanted.

Once we all finished eating and cleaned everything up, I hurried back upstairs to go to bed. Heide didn't follow me, in fact, I could feel her eyes boring right at my back as I left her behind in the living room. I didn't care, I mean, it's not like I was isolating because I was mad at her or something... Okay, a little bit, but it's mostly because I wanted my own little breather.

I was more mad at Julien, if anything.

He's been so insufferable. Dad this, Dad that. God. Why was Ernest even putting up with that shit, anyway? Okay, because it's "safer to pretend", sure, sure. But what the fuck happened to Ernest never putting up with Julien's shit? Okay, because it's "safer to pretend", sure, sure...

Sure, sure...

All in all, Julien was just a little dick. Honest to God. Who the hell was he to force family titles onto poor people? Especially people he's already ripped into.

It was so irritating. So irritating, someone, who's completely destroyed other people, and expect them to love him regardless.

And for it to actually work? Made me livid.

He was always "loving", I knew that much, from his constant calls and texts and pestering. It always annoyed me, it never made sense to me.

Okay, fine, I get it. Daddy and mommy don't love you. That doesn't matter, though. That's no excuse to just whine and mope and rip into others. Stuff like that shouldn't matter.

Because, it's not like it ever mattered to me...

I wasn't even sure how much time passed as I was curled up in bed, but the sound of something at my door made me flinch out of my lethargic state. Sitting up, I peered over. Just a knock and not an open, for once.

Huffing, I fell back to my pillow.

It's not like it ever mattered.

Resisting the urge to groan, I called out, "What?"

It was Heide, "You've been in there for ten minutes..."

That was all? "Your point?"

"You said you weren't gonna do this again..."

"I never said anything."

"... Well, you should have said it." She said softer, and I twitched in annoyance. "Please stop being mad."

"I'm not..." I groaned now, "I'm not mad."

"... You're always mad."

"I'm not mad at you."

"... What are mad about?"

I was starting to shake, "I-I'm not... It's nothing..." Shuddering, I sat up, rubbing my nose. "What do you want?"

"...For you to stop being mad."

"What do you want, Heide?"

She paused, "... I want to stop being mad..."

What?

That got a flinch out of me, my eyes going wide. Biting my lip, I quickly up out of bed and opened the door. There Heide sat, legs crossed, hands covering her mouth, eyes downcast. I waited, beginning to tap my foot in impatience, "Why are you mad, Heide?"

"I..." She looked up, eyes blank, "I'm not-"

"YES...!" I almost shouted, "You are...! Just...!" Frustrated, I reached out and took her arm, lifting her up, "Everyone is downstairs, right? Okay, come on-"

I hadn't even taken a step out of the room before she whispered urgently, "N-No, not in front of them!"

"Why not?"

"I-It's something... I think I c-can only talk to you a-about!"

"... Are you mad at any of them?"

She flinches, eyes narrowing, "What? NO!" Figures. "I-I just... I don't want to make them sad again." God. "I notice! W-Whenever I say anything that makes me feel bad, they look like they're feeling bad too, and-!"

"Okay, okay! If you were so hellbent on them not hearing, you'd keep your voice down." I hiss, pulling her into the room with me. I let her go so I could sit on the bed, but she just sat down on the floor again. Crossing my arms over my chest, I sighed, "What are you mad about?"

She kept looking down, playing with her fingernails, "About everything that happened on Monday, mostly..." She muttered, and I rose an eyebrow. She was still sort of vague when I kept trying to get a summary out of her, I was sure I didn't get a lot, but it was the most I would get from her. "You know what I kept imagining?"

Calmly, I asked, "What?"

"That I was Julien... That I, was out, that I had a curfew, that I... Or, well, that I had parents - real parents - waiting for me at home. And, I don't know... It's still making me mad."

Nervous, I drawled out, "Well... You do. Ebners are still looking for you-"

She looked up just a bit, not at me but towards me, "How do you know that?"

"Because, Heide, I heard-"

"No, how do you even know my... L-Last name? I didn't even remember it..."

I had to think. "I remember hearing about your parents months ago, I just - didn't know. It was Julien who jogged my memory. He told me. He told me your parents, the Ebners, are lawyers, so that made me remember."

"Why..." She looked down again, "Would he know that? When I didn't..."

Hesitating, I asked, "How did you not know what they worked as? Or your last name, at least..."

"My last name - I just never bothered to remember. I never even wrote it down at school - I kept getting in trouble for that. I just didn't. And, th-they..." She closed her eyes, grimacing for just a moment, "All I remembered is that they were always doing something. They were gone a lot, and when they were home, they were always reading or on the computer or on the phone. I thought that was just... Adult stuff."

"Yeah..." I sighed, "I can get that." A ten-year-old seeing it at that, anyways. Parents not even bothering to mention their line of work to their only child? Not so much.

"A-And... For Jules to know... But n-not me..." Her hands clenched themselves into fists, her voice coming through her clenched jaws, and that made me wince.

"I know, I know..."

She was starting to shake her head, looking down, eyes in a haze, "Are you really so sure that they still want me? When I didn't even..."

"Of course, Heide. Any parent would..."

She looked up at me, and I was instantly silenced. Her stare wasn't as blank as it was a moment ago, there was something there, something that unnerved me just a bit. So, nervous, I looked away with a pout, scratching my cheek.

"Carmen..."

I gulped, "Yeah?"

"If... When..." She corrected herself with a gulp of her own, but she still didn't exactly finish the question. I had enough sense to know what she was referring to, regardless. "Where would the rest of you go?"

Crossing my arms over my chest, I closed my eyes, "Well, Ernest and Irene are already gonna be tied to the hip still, right? Baby and all. Ernest's sister is out here, and Irene's family is all the way in Texas... Kyle's relatives are far out, but Alan is still here. And you, your parents of course. I'm sure you and all your families would help each other out, anyway..." I sighed, "So, stop being so damn afraid-"

"What about you?"

I looked at her, eyes wide, "Huh?"

"Where will you go?"

"... To... To home, of course!" I was actually sort of offended, "I'll be going home, too!"

"I thought you didn't like your step-shit."

"J-Just because I don't like him, doesn't mean I won't go b-back! I'd take that fucker over the giant one any day." I huffed, sneering down at her. "Don't insult me like that again."

"B-But what about-?"

Neither of us even heard the footsteps out in the hall until the door opened. Heide turned around, and I looked up, finding Irene's concerned face.

"What's wrong? Are you girls okay?" She focuses on Heide, who turns her head and wipes her cheek on her shoulder.

Frowning, I bring my knees up, "Yeah, we were just talking, a bit about the dick himself-"

Irene hissed, "Carmen!" As if she never curses. "I just came in because we were thinking of playing a game and I thought-"

"What game?" Heide is already standing up, eyes shining again, I note with an exhausted smile.

"I'm not sure, Ernest is just getting really bored-"

"For once!" With that, Heide hurries past her and out the door, stomping down the stairs to surely rile Ernest up some more.

I was still snickering, shaking my head and pushing my hair back when I noticed Irene was still there, staring at me. Startled a bit, I put my legs back down, blinking curiously at her concerned look.

"What about you?" She asks, voice soft, "Are you okay?"

"Huh?" Again, I was offended, scrunching my eyebrows together, "Of course!" And started to get up off the bed, "I wonder what kind of game Ernest is all up to play-"

"Your eyes are all puffy..."

What?

Stopping in my tracks, I blinked rapidly, trying to focus in on the tickling sensation in my eyes. I didn't even notice. I mean, it's not like there was anything. Just a little puffiness, that's all.

With a tremble in my knees, I said just that, "Didn't even notice. Nothing major."

"It doesn't have to be something major, Carmen..."

Narrowing my eyes at her, I found that same soft, concerned face. A groan was erupting up from my throat, and I shook my head, storming past her, "Fine. Then it's nothing at all." And tried my damn hardest to ignore her calls of concern as I made my way downstairs to the others.


---


"This is seriously one fucked up card to lose to." I mused, turning over the "won't come to a family reunion" card in my hand.

"Well, you earned it." Ernest continued on to clean up the cards on the small table in the living space.

It was already a quarter past three, and we had made the time with a lot of games. Not even card games, which I was more fond of, but games that consisted of a lot of, well, everything involving us. The last game we just finished was the most grueling. Storytelling, defending, generally having to know which person would go to hell and explain why (it was Ernest).

This was the first time I actually lost in Drunk, Stoned, Or Stupid, all my cards taunting me. Sleeping with half a burrito in bed and wasting all my money to go to space, yeah, those were a given, but this? And it just so happened to be the final card that tied me as the loser.

Ernest reached for the card to shuffle it with the rest, and I gave it to him with a frown. "Hey, Heide was the judge, get mad at her."

I choked, "You're the one who pointed it to me!" And he should have gotten it, he was the one who ran away from living with his grandparents!

"You didn't want to defend yourself!" Heide was still holding the gavel, pointing it at me.

Ernest laughed, "Right? She didn't even want to say, yes, I will come to the family reunion! Insane."

Because it's embarrassing. Sighing, I clung tighter to my blanket, "Still a fucked up card to give me."

"Still an accurate card to give you-"

"Ernest!" Irene always had to push him to stop talking shit. She lifted the pillow over her head, and Ernest quickly leaned away from a possible hit, though he was still laughing. "Okay, it's just a game, stop talking about it!"

"It was your first loss." Kyle shrugged, "Ernest usually loses, that's probably why he's acting so high and mighty."

Ernest shot right back to annoyed, "Yeah, yeah..." And, taking the gavel from Heide's hands, he finished clearing the items away, heading to put it in the bookcase.

"What the hell even is a family reunion?" I meant to ask this while defending myself from the card, but I still asked it now with a scowl. "Like, you only see family once every couple of years?"

"That's just what I call Thanksgiving and Christmas." Irene shrugged with a smile.

"Well, of course I'd go! There's food and gifts." Maybe I should have brought it up during my defense.

"No, no!" Ernest lumbered back over to sit down next to Irene. "I say a family reunion is, um, a family reunion, without the good parts like food and gifts! Where you're just forced to tolerate each other."

"I think you mean to catch up with one another." Kyle frowned at him.

Heide piped up, "Shouldn't we already be caught up with one another?"

"W-Well, no, I mean yes, b-but..."

And so Kyle and Heide kept going back on forth on what a family reunion was and wasn't. I thought it fit the best for the two of them to discuss it mostly, given how similar their families were at first glance, Kyle even mused about it the other day. Irene kept giving her input as well, mostly siding with Kyle, and Ernest just sat back, occasionally giving me the same confused look I was making.

It was only expected that Julien interrupts.

When his bedroom door opened, everyone stopped just about instantly, sinking low with heavy sighs. I mean, this was to be expected, he should have been here over an hour ago.

I had to hurry to zip up my jacket to catch up with Kyle, already by the front door. But even then, I kept throwing glances back at Heide, who was taking her precious time lazily getting up off the couch.

As we exited out of this stupid dollhouse onto an even stupider table, I had to keep my eyes downcast, a tense hand grabbing onto the push handles of Kyle's wheelchair. From the corner of my eye, I could see the gargantuan Julien just a "few feet" away, sitting in that stupid chair of his. Leg over the other with his phone in his hands, I refused to look even further to see his face. I hated looking that direction, it always gave me a sickening sense of vertigo, even now.

"No, I didn't go anywhere." His rumbling voice said, and I grimaced. Ernest or Irene must have asked why he was over an hour late. "I mean, I just got food real quick, a bunch of roads were blocked because of some sort of accident."

Oh, how I wish he got caught up in some sort of accident.

"You guys already ate, right? What did you eat? I brought down some quesadillas from this place that opened up, but only two each... I'm talking to you, Ernest." And the man groaned, just as we started to reach him. "You always take more than you're supposed to and leave the others with nothing-"

"I didn't... !" He starts off yelling, but when Irene grabs his sleeve, he closes his eyes and grumbles, "Yeah, yeah, okay..."

Releasing Kyle's wheelchair, I take a seat and whisper in continuation, "Whatever." To which Ernest gives me a thumbs up under his seat.

Julien is tapping away at his phone, "And, I think I wanna make you guys a little something. It's chilly out there - even for me, so..." He stops, then makes a choking sound. "W-What the-? What?" Curious, I look up, and find him leaning himself away from his phone, a look of frustrated confusion on his face. "I just - okay..." He leans forward again, grumbling, "I'm turning notifications off." Didn't he always?

After another couple taps on his phone, he looks up, and my heart stops. Instantly, I look down, hoping he didn't take notice, but with those damn eyes of his, he must have.

There's a pause, and I don't eat at all during it. Hell, I barely even breathe. "I might have a little treat for you guys later, I'm not sure." And he scoots back, standing up and leaving the room while leaving the door open, letting me finally deflate with a shudder.

Heide, sitting across from me, extends her leg out to kick my knee, "What's wrong?"

Miserable, I whined, "He saw me looking at him." Just one little thing like that could guarantee I'd get fucked up. "Now, he might... Hey, Kyle, what'd you do with that knife I gave you?"

He chokes on his food, and Ernest furrows a brow at me. "I found it on the floor of the porch and had to put it back. Thank God I was actually wearing shoes that time."

I look at Kyle, who's still choking down the food, "Why was it there!?"

"He saw me with it and I had to drop it!"

Ernest still looks confused, "Why? Hell, why'd you even give it to him? You never told us."

Snickering, I finally began to eat.

Realization seemed to dawn on the man's face. "He is actually going to lose it." He shoves me, and I give him a quick glare. "Don't do that shit."

"Don't do what?" Irene asks.

Ernest gives her a look, "She wants to... She wants a knife..." He keeps expecting her to figure it out, and she just looks more confused and even frustrated. "To, you know..." He pointed further down the bedroom.

Irene gasps at me, "Carmen!" And I groan. "Don't!"

"Fine, fine, I won't! I just thought it'd be funny if Kyle did it..."

"It wasn't very funny..." Kyle muttered.

"Heide," I called her, and she looked up at me, still chewing, "Wouldn't it have been funny?"

She blinks dumbly at me, "... Not to Julien."

It takes awhile for us to finish eating and cleaning up, and we were only back inside a couple of minutes before I went back out to put some dirty laundry out on the other table with the rest. Julien usually did ours on Friday night, or, hopefully. I told the others I was going to take a shower (which I still cannot fucking stand the cold water of), but I found I forgot a towel, so I was hurrying back to the dollhouse to find one.

"Why'd I leave this open?" I heard Julien's voice far out in the hallway as I'm walking back towards the dollhouse. How I wish there was a back door so he didn't have to see me. His footfalls get quicker and heavier and I hear his hand grab hold of the door. I just start to sigh in relief that he's only closing it, until I hear his slow, drone out steps into the room.

Peeking in to try and catch a look if we're out, I'm guessing. And goddamn it all, he sees me. Clenching my teeth, I try to hurry to the porch before he continues quickly walking in, "Carmen, Carmen!"

Right when his tall form and his dark shadow casts over me, I let out a squeal of discontent, turning my body around, "What?"

"Can I just..." He seems breathless, "Tell you what happened?"

"I told you I'm not interested in your drama, Julien-!"

"What if I gave you hot cocoa?!"

Narrowing my eyes, I peer over my shoulder and all the way up at him.

He takes a step back, and I take notice of the mug with whip cream and chocolate flakes adorning the top. Just like how I taught him, I noted with a scowl.

"I mean - I was planning on making you all some, but I just made this for me for when I go study but - I can wait! I can just bring this one down for you-!"

"Gross." I shudder, turning around again, "You already drank from it."

"Did not, and who cares anyway!" Me.

"And I can wait, too. I'd rather have some with the others then right now at the cost of talking to you."

"Then I won't make you guys some." Son of a bitch. I don't say anything, and that seems to be his answer, because he quickly steps away, "I'll be right back with it! I'll make the others some later." And he's out of the room.

... Better not waste time, then.

I hurry up to the porch of the dollhouse. Right before I reach for the door, I remember what the others were warning me. Can't let them see then, I decide, before opening the door as quietly as I could.

Peeking in, I found all of them in the living room, and thank God, none were on the smaller couch to face this direction. Other than Kyle, in his wheelchair facing this way just a bit, but he looked to be asleep. Irene and Ernest sitting close on one side of the couch, with Heide taking most space to keep her head on Ernest's shoulder.

Taking a breath, I tried to tiptoe past the entry area and into the kitchen area, completely open to the living room. The knives had to be in one of the few working drawers, that's where Ernest always put them.

"... What about grandparents? You don't remember your grandparents, Heide?"

I'm taken back by Irene's question, I almost make myself known with a gasp, but I manage to keep still and quiet. It takes me a second to go back to silently walking to the kitchen area, which is just as long as it takes for Heide to answer.

"Um... My Mom's parents, I think. They came on, um, three Christmas breaks, and took me to the park a lot. They were the ones who took me to see Santa this one time." The girl mumbles, and I keep wanting to stop and join so I could just look at her face.

"What about your Dad? Did his parents ever visit you?"

Now at the kitchen counter, I can't help but look at the back of their heads. Usually, Irene and Ernest were so nervous about inquiring about her past, or real, life, and I include Ernest too, because he wasn't interjecting like he usually did.

"No, I don't... I don't think so..." Her voice, too, is calm. "I think... He was like Ernest."

Ernest's hand starts brushing through her short hair, voice calm as well, "Like me?"

"Yeah. I remember Terri telling me his parents were gone for a very long time..."

"That's called an orphan, Heide. If they were really gone since he was younger, then he'd have been an orphan."

Shaking, I look down, hands grabbing tightly onto the counter.

"Gone how? So, Kyle's not-?"

"No, no." Irene says, "His parents are still his parents, Kyle's still their son."

"What about Ernest, then?"

He has it in him to chuckle, "They died, Heide."

"So, are my grandparents dead, too?"

"Maybe. Depends what Terri meant by gone."

Heide pauses for a long time, and I realize I'm still standing here, watching, listening, "So... I'm not an orphan then, right?"

The two of them chuckle, and Ernest kisses the top of her head as Irene says softly, "No, never."

Looking around, I flush, shaking my head with a frown before going towards the cabinet. I grab hold of it, opening it as slowly as possible as to not make any noise.

There they are. I take a knife in one hand, and try to close the cabinet slowly again so they won't later notice and realize one's gone.

I hear Kyle's groaning, and I stiffen. Already? Cringing, I hurry quietly out from the kitchen area, since he'd see me there as soon as he'd open his eyes.

"W-Wha...?" He mumbles, and I look over, finding him rubbing his face. "What happened?"

"Heide's just a little confused on the concept of orphan is all." Irene starts, and Ernest delivers the question.

"You wouldn't consider yourself an orphan, right? Just because your parents went far away."

I made it back to the door, but I stayed there, hidden in the dark, to listen to his answer. Clutching the handle of the knife in my hands, I bit my lip, shaking.

"... N-No, of course not." Kyle answered, "Even if... They were still my parents, I was still their son. A-And, even if he's not, you know, my Dad, I still had Alan, and he's family too, so..."

I grip the handle even tighter.

"Even if it wasn't ideal, I still had a family."

There was a tremble in my knees.

"Where's Carmen? She still out?"

Not bearing to hear anymore, I grimaced and opened the door, stepping outside and quietly but quickly closing it behind me. Leaning forward with my head against the door, I kept looking down, taking breath after breath.

I just had to hold my breath in there. That's all.

"... Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sorry." Julien was coming back in, right out in the hall. Startled, I stand upright and put the knife in the inside pocket of my jacket, then hurry down the porch so Julien wouldn't notice.

When he came in, he was on the phone, holding it with one hand the other carefully pinching at something. The hot chocolate, I noticed with a sour scowl. He could have dropped it, it was too fucking small. He probably already spilled some of it.

I step back in a frantic hurry when he reaches over to carefully set it down on the floor. Scowling, I look up at him, and he's too busy pacing back on forth on the phone.

... Fine.

I'd rather talk to his dumbass than go inside and join whatever conversation the others were having.

Shaking my head, I hurry over to the warm mug on the floor. Yup, there's some spillings. Fuck. Trying to ignore it, I take a seat and start to sip from it.

"I mean, I could delete them, but everyone already saved it... No, Ewald hasn't even called me about it! I think you're the only one mad, even Alan hasn't said anything." He's still pacing back and forth in front of the table. I try to ignore him, but it still catches my interest. Could it be who I thought it was? "Okay, okay, I'll delete them..."

Again, trying to block out his loud rumbling voice, I focus on the hot chocolate. It was the same I made for him and taught him to make himself. Of course, mine was better.

"Yeah, yeah. I get it, Mom." Oh, so it was. "Sorry."

There's another pause, and what he says next actually makes me spit.

He makes a choking sound, and with an arm outstretched, quite abruptly yells out, "No, I was not watching porn!"

What the fuck.

There's hot chocolate everywhere, and I'm choking on all of it, struggling to both cough it out and drink it back in. Quickly, I set the mug down on the chair beside me, lurching forward in a coughing fit.

Jules, without a doubt, noticed, "Okay, okay! I have to go!" And hangs up, thrusting his phone back in his pocket. He takes a seat, hands up, waiting for me to look at him. When I do, I'm still hacking a bit, wiping at my mouth with my sleeve.

His eyes are wide, "I can explain."

I choke out, "What the FUCK!"

"Really, I can explain! It's the drama I was going to tell you about anyway, I swear! Okay, so," He claps his hands together, and I flinch. "This morning, I get a bunch of messages telling me that this lady was publicly giving my Mom shit for recommending this one photographer and praising him to hell, because the lady swears the guy is a scammer!"

I hated that he was trying to tell me his juicy drama like he used to, no, not after downsizing me, but after forcing me to imagine such an ugly picture.

"She kept saying this guy was a scammer because he wanted a final payment before giving her her photos! Like...! That's what happens! He's not going to give photos without the final payment, or else she'd just leave without paying him! Right? On top of that, she's giving my Mom shit just for liking the guy and recommending him. She had to make all this public. If it was just about the guy, I would have just been annoyed and leave it be, but she was just making this about my mom for reason, and so people were messaging me asking if I saw it."

I cough, "What does this have to do with-?"

"Listen! Okay, so I publicly message her too, explaining how it works. Then I tell her, 'hey, my Mom's been doing this for over eighteen years. She KNOWS what she's talking about, just trust her on this.' And do you know what she says, again, publicly!?"

I don't know.

"She says 'eighteen years? AND a Mom. Why doesn't your Mommy's old ass retire?'" He claps again, loudly, and I almost choke again just as I finally stopped. "And - I - got - so - mad! So, because she had to get all personal, of course I had to fire back with, 'my Mom shouldn't have to retire when she's STILL in her prime, but I know you had to retire because of that scene where you ended up going to an ER because of that action figure stuck inside you'."

Holy fucking shit.

"I did not watch that shit, I was in the middle of fourth period! All I had to do was a simple google search, because I had no idea who this lady was and why she was so above my Mom, and I found that information. So yeah, I said that, and Mom found out and wants it gone, but get this! Not even Ewald said anything."

Hesitating, I picked up my mug again, taking a sip, "Well, he didn't get mad when you publicly started shit with your cousin's ex, right?"

"No, and he even decided to make all my social media public awhile after I did that."

Forcing a snicker, I muttered quietly, "Like he was proud."

I didn't think he'd have heard me."Exactly. I mean... I could only hope he just hasn't heard yet, I even asked Alan if he did, and he said that Ewald has been busy doing something that he hasn't even made Alan deal with yet. So, yeah. I just hope Ewald understands that I don't like when someone messes with..."

He's totally fine with messing with them himself though, right?

"They're the ones who made it public. I would have liked to do things my own way, but I can't exactly do that online like that. Go figure."

"Is that what people were messaging you about yesterday?" I asked, licking the whipped cream from the sides of my lips.

"You remembered!" He cried out happily, "Yeah, but I just kept ignoring it to wait for her to drop it, but she didn't, so that's when I tried to explain it to her. Plus, I thought Mom would have been proud of me for explaining it so well, until... Well, until it went downhill. But you know how I don't like it when someone...! Ugh, it's so annoying."

"And this lady hasn't fired back at all?"

"Nope, she's been silent. I mean, I think..." He pulled out his phone, "I turned notifications on there off. Better delete the stuff now, then I can..."

"All this public drama you've been having may paint the idea of protective family," Which was definitely far from the case. "But, publicity? Tsk tsk."

He's quiet for a moment as I continue to drink up the hot chocolate. "Did I make it good?" He asks, leaning forward in his seat. Still drinking, I give him an annoyed look. His elbows are on his knees, hands keeping his head up. "I tried to do everything like you taught me, but I forgot the coconut cream so I just did regular whipped cream. It was faster."

I noticed the absence of spice, "And you missed the cayenne, didn't you?"

His eyes bug out, and he closes them with a groan, "That's what I forgot..."

"Sure you did, you just didn't add it because you didn't want any spice..."

A string of silence runs over us, and I find panic start to settle into me, rising more and more as each second of quiet passes. My hands are getting clammy over the mug as I struggle to keep my mind occupied with finishing the drink.

"You know, it's nice to talk to you again like this. I just wish I didn't have to try preparing myself to do it for a week in advance, and that I don't have to bribe you in some way." He says softly, and I look down at the now empty mug, licking my lips. "You seem more willing this time around too!"

"I'm just listening to your drama," I muttered, putting the mug down on the chair next to me. "I'm just too bored not to."

"Bored?" He tilts his head, "What are the others doing?"

"Just talking." I'm trembling again, "And we're not really talking, Julien. Not again, it's not the same."

I know right after I say it that it was the wrong thing to say, and I become reminded of what's hiding inside my jacket.

"... Not even... Listening to my rant of the week?" He asks, and his voice is much too quiet for what I just said. "Isn't that still... An again thing?"

My teeth were starting to chatter just a bit, "No, Julien. I'm never gonna feel an again thing with you-"

Well, that was fast.

In just one second, Julien slammed right to his feet and brought his hand slapping right down at the table. My heart shot right up to my throat, instantly bringing my feet up on my chair to try and separate myself from his hand as much as possible. When he slammed his hand down, the chairs jumped, also sending the mug crashing down in chocolatey glass shards down to the surface.

His hand is right in front of me, and his fingers curl themselves inwards to form a fist. Shaking with my breath getting uneven, I dare myself to look up. He's standing high above me, and the shadow he casts is dark, but I could still see his wide sharp eyes boring right into me.

"... D-Don't-" I manage to spit out despite my shakiness, "Don't do that. What if you-?"

"Just for today." He says quickly before reaching over and pinching at my shoe with the same speed. Squealing, I try to wriggle it from his grasp, but he only ends up dragging me off the chair. I actually see stars when the back of my head hits the end of the chair and again when it slams on the floor. Seething at the pain, I raise my hands to grab at my head, but I retreat them at the shards of glass that catch my skin.

He drags me further just a bit before releasing my foot. Still disorientated from the bumps on my head, I just whine and grovel. Struggling, I try to see what he's doing, and I'm filled with dread again when I see he's putting his phone right against the door of the dollhouse.

Fucking shit.

I shouldn't have reminded him that he disturbed them with that slam.

His hand is right back over me, and I'm trying to scramble myself away from him, but he forces one finger under me, allowing others to go as well, and a thumb over my front.

"You FUCKING-! STOP!" I choke out, and am instantly silenced by nausea that sets in me as his fingers fully adjust themselves to surround me, lifting me up and forward towards his chest. Squealing again, I close my eyes and struggle to slip my arms up from his fist, "I said STOP-!"

"Just today, just today!"

"Fucking - just today WHAT!? Put me DOWN! I - I don't want-!"

"Oh, heights, heights, right!" He says to himself quickly. I almost feel the bile rising in my throat when he suddenly sits himself down on the floor, and I'm experiencing the winds and vertigo again. Fighting to swallow it down, I'm still a panting fit when he's sitting.

I open my eyes again, and I close them again instantly. "I STILL don't want this!" He may be sitting, but I'm still at his chest level, I'm still what looks like three stories fucking tall up in the air. In response, Julien crosses his previously outstretched legs, and I gag, "I STILL-!"

He retorts back, sounding just as panicked as I, "I'm not gonna drop you, and even if I do, my legs will catch you - see!"

I screech, "I DON'T FUCKING CARE!"

"Just for today! We haven't done this in about two weeks, Carm! Just be nice like everyone else and let me talk to you, talk to me!" He cried, and shuddering, I struggled to turn my body away from him while still being in his fist, and it certainly was a struggle. "Let's just-!"

"NO!" I yell, my now released hands sinking their nails into his skin. Enraged, I keep dragging them through, "LEAVE ME ALONE, PUT ME DOWN!"

"Carm, j-just-! Come on, just this once!" I can hear that stupid desperate smile on his face, "Let's just do this today! Okay, so, you know what I did this week? I-"

"DON'T CARE!" I was getting more angrier than scared at this point. Lost in my anger, I kept screaming expletives over and over and over, and Julien kept repeating his little words of panic and desperation. I thought after the, what, third time of doing this shit with me, he'd get the message that I wasn't friends with him.

It takes a minute for me to recall what I needed to do in my panic.

"JULIEN, YOU'RE...!" I take a wheezing breath so he could focus on what I'm saying. "You're holding me too TIGHT!"

His hands are shaking, too. "O-Oh, sorry, I j-just thought you'd..." His grip loosens, and I breathe in a breath of relief at the space, before realizing the height. Fuck. "Okay, are you better now? Okay, so let's just calm down."

Breathing wildly, I struggle to bring my hand back down into his fist, stretching out to reach the inside of my jacket.

"You always put up a fight when I wanted to bond with you! So, just for today, let's-!"

FUCK. NO.

Raising the knife up from my jacket and up from his fist, surely dragging the blade across the skin in his palm along the way, I stabbed it through the space right under his knuckle, right by the measly scratches I left.

A small thing like that wouldn't do him any hurt, I know, but it was worth it-

Oh, wait-

I let out another scream when his fingers instantly uncurl and release me. As the dumbass promised, I'm quick to land on his crossed ankles, though I topple right down from them and onto the next fall onto the floor, yet again seething at the impact it has not only on my head, but my entire back.

"FUCKING-!" Julien is hissing, and my eyes open, vision bleary and spinning. "You shithead, what the FUCK!?" The fuck did he just call me? My vision clears just enough to see him holding his hand, squinting at the mark I made. "What was that for!?"

I don't answer, and I'm sure he doesn't care for my answer, because he's seething now.

"Why the hell did you have that!?" He directs his glare at me, and glaring back, I try to crawl away. He sits up, leaning over me, and everything is dark again. "This was always your fucking problem-!"

A ringtone interrupts him.

His face goes back to shocked instantly, I'm scared just as much by his sudden changes. He looks up to the table, and then a look of dread passes over him. "This - what?" When he rises to his feet, my heart actually skips a beat. Cringing, I crawl farther and farther away, not daring to look up at his looming figure. "I have everyone else on...!" I hear him finally tear the phone away from the porch, and he's frozen. "... Oh, no, no, no."

I'm just starting to get up on my own feet, looking around when he takes a step back, sending me crashing down to the floor again from the jolt. Wheezing, I try to crawl away again when his shadow gets darker as he kneels down to fetch me. When his fingers catch me, I'm screaming and closing my eyes in fear again.

"Shit, shit, SHIT!" He hisses as his phone is still ringing in his hand, and he doesn't even set me down on the table gently. He drops me right down, and, fucking again, my back has a wave of pain from the impact. I'm grimacing, rolling over. "Oh, G-God, I'm so fucked..." Without another word to me, he answers the call, rushing out of the room, "H-Hello?"

"CARM!" I hear Heide's voice out by the dollhouse. Still grimacing, I turn over, seeing her running over, one hand over her ear, and behind her by the open door, leaning over the railing, Ernest is doing the same.

"Fucking shit...!" The man seethes to himself, "That was fucking loud...!"

I let Heide's arms lift me up to my feet, and I even stumble further into her arms. My hand clenches at her shoulder, my breathing restless. Her arm goes to my back, curiously, "Carmen?"

Shuddering, I choke out, "About fucking time..."


---


All of that, and Julien didn't return with hot chocolate for the others. Fuck's sakes.

Ernest and Heide were trying to go outside the second they heard Julien slam his hand on the table, and were trying to push the door open, until, the thing erupted loudly with Ewald's call, and their ears were pretty much forced to suffer with it until Julien retrieved it.

I was left with no choice but to tell them what happened out there (porn drama and all, though that was more of my wanting to share it as opposed to needing to), and of course, the adults were none too pleased about my little stabby incident.

Again, I was so annoyed that all of this didn't even end in some more spiceless hot chocolate. That, and my needed shower. When I went to take it, Heide was insistent on waiting right outside, but Julien still never showed himself back up.

I still wasn't used to going to sleep so early so consistently. Julien always tried to sleep early for as long as I knew him, probably helped keep him energized in the morning, but I usually always came home at the latest of hours. Here, ten PM was what was considered late, and yeah, it was getting "late"...

"Goddamn it," On the couch with Irene, Ernest stretched with a disgusting yawn. "So, Ewald's definitely gonna be giving him even more shit..." He looked to the window. "And he's not even back to bed yet, it's already getting late..."

"I think his Mom was giving him more shit, though." I told him.

Irene rolled her eyes, "That's actually an improvement. Unbelievable."

"And tomorrow's Saturday..." Kyle sighs miserably. "So, he's gonna be here all day..."

"That is if his old man doesn't call him over. God..." Ernest lowers his head into his hands.

Heide has been quiet, sitting beside me with a pillow hugged to her chest, "I can spend the weekend with him." She says, and we all look at her. Eyes soft, her fingers trace along the skitching of the pillow. "So he doesn't-"

"No, Heide-" I glare at her, but quiet instantly when we all hear the noises outside. Footsteps and the closing door, more footsteps, and the tossing and turning in the bed. I'm just starting to calm down when we hear his yell.

"I know you're all still awake in the living room!" He yells out with a clap of his hands, "It's time for bed."

Automatically, everyone sighs and sits up to head onto bed, just as ordered. I shake my head, getting up just when Heide grabs my arm.

"Hopefully he can get the go to spend the weekend with friends or something." Ernest stretches again.

"So we could just sleep." I groan out.

"No, so we could play more games and you could lose. Like, just one day where we're all in here without worrying about Julien's shit."

I scowl, "I can't fucking stand you people."

He justs shrugs, and Kyle looks back at me from heading to his room, stopping himself, "Carmen, are you sure you're not hurt from... You know..."

I felt like I was bruising all over, but I didn't want to admit it. "No." I looked at my hand with the large band-aid covering up the cuts I got. "I feel better after that shower."

Kyle still looked concerned, and looking at that face, I wondered briefly if I should come in later to talk to him. But suddenly, I feel an ache in my chest, and it hurts more than it usually does when I consider talking to him alone.

"Are you sure, sweetie?" Irene asks, nearing Kyle to help him to bed, and I flush at the nickname. I keep telling her not to call me that.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Just remember to wait for me before you go outside in the morning." Kyle says, "Julien must be pretty annoyed with, well, what you did."

"Oh, I know." I groan, turning around and heading towards the stairs, "He better at least have more hot chocolate..."

"Goodnight!" They all seem to say in unison.

Just one step up the stairs, I pause before telling them the same, "Goodnight." And keep trudging up the stairs. I'm halfway when I hear footsteps following right behind me, and I sigh heavily. "Are you going to bed, too?"

"I try." Heide says, and I lean against my closed door, crossing my arms over my chest as she stands herself in front of me. "I have to tell you something!"

Honestly, she still really was a child. "What is it?"

She seems ready to blurt it out confidently like her declaration, but she stops herself. Looking down the stairs, where I could hear the others talking in Kyle's room, she blinks before starting to speak, softly, "Today I... Talked to them." Pointing down the stairs, she smiles. "You... You know... About stuff."

I know. "You did?" I feign shock.

"Mhm! About my family." She looks so stupidly proud, I can't help but chuckle. "And they didn't get scared at all. But..." She stops, and I raise my eyebrows. "They looked kind of sad. Even if they were smiling... Do you think that's okay?"

"Heide," I shake my head, "It's okay to be sad. I said I wanted you to do this to stop pretending, yeah?" She nods. "And they're not pretending they're not sad."

"... Is that... Good?" She frowns, "I never liked to see them sad."

"So long as they're being honest, it's okay. Still," I smile, and she actually flinches. "That's good."

I hear Ernest and Irene exit Kyle's room, so I try to make this quick before they get up here and scold us.

"The more you're honest, the more they'll understand you. It's better that they understand you, right?" I ask, and she looks down before nodding. "Because that's what family does, right?"

She blinks at me, "Family?"

"Yeah!" I groan, "You and this family that drive me crazy!" I smile again, reaching for her arm to lead her to her room, "So, I hope now you're understanding that this is real, and there's no need to fake shit."

She's in her room, but doesn't turn to it, she keeps looking at me, even as I let go of her arm. "And it'll still be real after, right?" Constantly looking for reassurance for things she should already know.

With a smile, I nod. "Yeah, yeah. And then you crazies can play more stupid games and talk even more. Shit like that." It takes just a second for her to smile back, and the ache in my chest gets a tad bigger. "Now go to sleep!" I say quickly, noting the footsteps coming up. "And no stalking or crying tonight, hear me?"

I hurry down the hall into my room, and I hear her say, "Goodnight, Carm." Before closing her own door. Flushing, I hurry inside the room and quickly but quietly close the door. I wait, listening for Ernest and Irene to get into their rooms, before letting out a big sigh.

Finally.

It's night.

After an entire day of games and stories and talking and, God, Julien, I really just wanted some alone time.

Walking to the dresser, I got my brush and started to brush through my finally dried hair. The light was off, so I couldn't see very well, but it was fine.

If even Kyle could believe and accept the reality that he had his own little family here, then Heide could, too. Heide was the one who believed it just because everything was a state of chaos, so it's about time she starts to accept they don't need a dollhouse to be a family.

Honestly. It was so important to these people.

Ernest, too. He's changed drastically in just a small period of time, little brother this and daughter that and baby this. Maybe almost dying fucked with him, I thought, but there was definitely something there for a long time.

From what I've been told, Heide just didn't ever have a strong family. Parents always working, having someone else take care of her. It was still family though, right?

But, I can understand why this one felt a little more real.

Imagining them still being glued to the hip sort of made me laugh. They got so attached, didn't they? I mean, again, I don't blame them. Looking forward to spending a more fulfilling life together, they seemed most happy when talking about that.

Kyle will reunite with his family, he'll finally get to feel that solid bond again. Irene and Ernest will have a bundle of joy, to share with reuniting with Irene's family and Ernest's sister. And Heide - Heide will finally see her parents again.

And I'll...

... Huh?

My hand was shaking when I felt the sensation on my face, so much so, that I released the brush I was holding, letting it fall right to the floor.

... Why?

I kept blinking, letting more tears pool out from my eyes and down my cheeks.

Why was I thinking about this more and more as each night passes?

I knew why.

But I didn't want to understand it further.

I was always like this.

Family was everything, even when it failed me.

I wanted to love Dad, I wanted him to be in my life. I wanted Mom to love me first, to not have left me like he did. Family, I thought, they can't hurt me.

They can't, they're perfect for me.

Even when they weren't.

Dad left. That truck never came back, and all the contact information he left specifically for a four-year-old me were fake. Mom left for awhile, too. And even when I was taken back, I was still second place. Asking Grandma to take me back when teachers threatened to call child protective services because of her boyfriend of the month as opposed to leaving him.

And, I tried. I really tried. I tried to support her. I saw Melvin wasn't hurting her, so I tried to support them. I wanted to be open, but I got yelled at, I got called names, and it stung all over again, and I didn't want to do it again.

Even if I kept denying it, I clung onto people. I clung onto Julien, I admit that. Even with everything I used to say to him, bugging him to leave me alone, I clung to him. I clung to his so-called kindness, his apparently warm presence. I wanted him to be happy for all his efforts. I did. But, I was wrong, I didn't understand him and what he needed at all. And look at what he's done...

And here I was, clinging onto people again.

I had gotten comfortable. Being around these people consistently, being spoken to and speaking back.

Even if I didn't want to, I really enjoy spending time with them.

But... It hurt...

It hurt so fucking much...

I didn't gain a single thing from this, nothing that will last, anyway. I've only gained things that will cease to exist once this is done with. I wanted them to be happy, but to know that this comforting feeling I've had, had to disappear first, hurt immensely.

My breathing came out in shudders.

I wanted to stay by their sides. I wanted to still be around for the baby, I wanted to see Ernest and Irene together as parents, I wanted to still talk to Kyle, and Heide...

Heide...

I clenched my teeth together.

Kyle will reunite with his family, he'll finally get to feel that solid bond again. Irene and Ernest will have a bundle of joy, to share with reuniting with Irene's family and Ernest's sister. And Heide - Heide will finally see her parents again.

They'll be happy, they'll have more than a family.

And then, there was me...

"N-Not..." My shuddering whisper came out choking with my tears. "Ag-Again..."

Quickly, I slapped my hands over my mouth to silence my cries as I fell right to my knees. My entire body quaked and shuddered, and my tightly closed eyes felt like they were burning, and my chest and cheeks felt like they were engulfed in flames.

Not again...

Squeezing my eyes tight and my hands tightly over my mouth, I kept lowering down into the floor.

Who would have thought?

That being alone again would be so lonely.