When I'm Gone

Chapter 1

I took Amity to the park, she was running around and playing on the monkey bars. My daughter Hallie was in the pram, I gently rocked her with my foot. She was a replica of Martell but she thankfully had my ears, lucky girl.

I picked up one of the trashy magazines. I always collected everything published by Martell or about him. I glanced at the title 'rapped Mickey has reportedly married short term girlfriend Kam.'

My stomach dropped at the headline. I glanced back up to Amity before flicking back down to the magazine, there were no photos of the wedding but Kam has now been seen wearing a wedding band. I threw the magazine under the pram then I picked up Hallie.
She's such a happy baby, she is everything I ever imagined. I decided to find out of the sex of the baby at the twenty-four weeks. When the doctor announced it was a girl I was so happy I wanted a girl more because I didn't think she would look this much like her dad, I was wrong.

She captured my necklace in her mouth, it spelt her surname. The necklace Martell and Amity had given me for my eighteenth. Her fingers dug into my shoulder as she pulled herself up. I kissed her forehead "mummy loves you, baby, daddy loves you too."

I still think of the day I told Martell I had lost the baby. I flew home that night and I drove Amity and I to my parents home. Mum answered the door. She took Amity upstairs with some of the toys I had left there. She had dad grumpily watch her. She took me to the dining room and made me tea.

I told her everything from the beginning of our relationship to the sacrifices I had made to make his dream come true. Mum held me for hours as I cried. When I could cry no longer she wiped my tears and promised she would try and be around more. She kept that promise. Mum now works home more and watches the girls for me. I need to work nights. Amity has grown to like mum, she even calls her Gran. It was getting dark so I called Amity "Amity Mathers time to go home."

She hopped down from the monkey bars "ok Lilee. Can I call dad tonight?"

I wiped the stray tear that rolled down my cheek "if he isn't busy absolutely."

We walked into the house Martell rented nearly two years ago. It was in better care now, Amity and I put a lot of time and effort into it. I kissed Amity's head then rushed her inside. I pushed Hallie inside and then placed her in the cot in my room. I watched my beautiful little girl sleep for a few minutes.

Martell had been gone for nearly two years now and it was hard. I never wanted to see him in the first year. I didn't want him to know about Hallie. Andre helped me keep her a secret. Amity FaceTimes him regularly but she promised she would never tell him about Hallie.

Martell now has released two album and is now touring America headlining his own show. Amity is so proud she owns all of his CD's. Since me, he hasn't dated anyone seriously until now. When I first started to distance myself it was so hard. Most of the time I wanted to tell him the truth but then he wouldn't achieve what he has now. I stopped returning his calls, then his messages and then he stopped calling me altogether. I know he still asks her about me.

I left the room and walked to the kitchen to make us dinner. I now work at the restaurant Mathers used to. I also attend University online. I'm trying to get a degree in nursing. I have a little over to year to go before I become a registered nurse. Amity came behind me "Dad is going to call later he has a show tonight so he's going on soon."

I nodded "okay, dinner is nearly done."

Amity was turning eight in three weeks, she said Martell wants to be here for her birthday but he said that last year. He didn't make it. I dish up our food handing her food to her then putting Hallie's in the blender so she could eat later. I sat in front of her "what did you do at school today?"

Amity thought about it for a moment "we did art, I drew a picture of you and me, dad was pushing Hallie."

I smiled at her sadly "you should show me tomorrow when I drop you off."

She nodded "yeah, can I send a picture to dad?"

I nodded "yeah absolutely. You could mail it to him."

She smiled "I will draw him a new one. I miss him."

Tears started to flow down her face. I pulled her into my arms kissing her hair. I cried too "I miss him too, so much that it hurts baby. You know I will always love him. Even when he doesn't love me. Hallie will love him as well. You can tell her all about your amazing big brother."

"I'm going to see if he had finished" I nodded excusing her from the table.

I heard as she talked to him "hey dad." I couldn't hear what he was saying but she replied "yeah we are good, the school has been great and so has Lilee. We have been busy." She laughed at whatever he said "those magazines are silly anyway. How's the tour?" She took time to listen to him "that's great. Yeah, go we miss you. See you soon?"

She hung up the phone "he says he's coming for my birthday, he said the tour ends in a few days. He will be here Wednesday."

My heart stopped. Shit, he is going to find out about Hallie. I hope he doesn't hurt my girls.