When I'm Gone

Chapter 14

Mathers and I have barely said a word to one another. Amity has picked up that something is wrong but hasn't gone out of her way to find out what the issue was. His skank arrived yesterday, today we were meeting her at the clinic. The test required blood from the two. Apparently, according to the doctor the mother carries DNA from her Cetus in her blood and through the blood test they can then determine that he is indeed the father.

I sat a few chairs away from her, Martell stood away from both of us. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she took in my appearance. Martell hadn't formally introduced us but I didn't care at this stage. It was quick for them both the have blood samples taken and then we travelled to the lawyer. Martell had the chick sign a no disclosure agreement and then they would be in contact when the results were to come back.

I knew Martell was waiting for me to snap or break but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I held myself together until later when I could break later when I was alone. I stood by the wall whilst they both signed the form. We went our separate ways until the results were to return. As we walked through the front door Martell asked "what are we going to do?"

I stopped walking but I didn't face him, I didn't want him to see my tears "we wait until the results come back."

I didn't wait for another response. I headed up stairs and I crawled into bed, not even bothering to shower. Lately, I haven't been able to sleep, I toss and turn, toss and turn then I vomit became my thoughts are too sickening. Mattel and I haven't shared a bed for such a long time. We are barely coexisting at the moment.

I laid in bed that morning, my stomach was in tight knots. Today I knew something big was going to happen. I hoped it didn't change everything entirely. When I finally found enough energy to get of bed I did so slowly. I did my usual routine. I got dressed and then I washed my face and brushed my teeth. I walked down the stairs slowly and then made coffee. I wasn't getting through the day without something strong. I hope the coffee was going to strong enough.

I sat at the bench top slowly sipping my coffee. Martell soon joined me. He sat down next to me with his own cup of coffee. Before he could speak the skank rang him. As he hung up the phone he stood up "we need to get to the doctors. The test results have come in.."

I nodded my head pouring the remaining amount of coffee down the sink, my appetite had shrunk. I got in my car and followed him to the private clinic. She was already there waiting for us. It was a long wait in the waiting room. Although it was thirty minutes it instead felt like a few days. The skanks name was called and the three of us walked into the room. I stood against the wall holding my inset stomach that was wounded tightly with nerves.

The doctor spoke "the results came back early this morning. I was the one who opened the result and it showed no signs of tampering. The results show that Mr Mathers...isn't the father. I am sorry Ms Riggs."

My hand flew to my face covering my mouth. He was telling the truth the whole time. I felt like absolute shit. The skank started crying claiming that Martell had paid extra to have the results changed.

Martell stood from his seat "you will be hearing from my lawyers."

I numbly followed him out of the room and to our separate cars. We drove back home. We both quietly went inside and sat back at the table. I held my painful head in my hands, so many thought racing through my mind. I quietly cried "I'm sorry for not believing you."

He didn't speak at first "I have messed up many things in life but regardless of everything I still loved you. I love you so much but you didn't trust me, you didn't trust our relationship and that I could remain faithful. That hurts more than anything else. I said I wasn't her fucking kid's father but you should have trusted me. I may have done stupid shit but you should have had faith."

By the end he was tearful, I took in a deep breath "I do t know what I could say that I am sorry. I am sorry for judging before I had all of the details. I am sorry for not believing you and for doubting you."

Martell stood from the table murmuring as he walked away "I don't think I can be with someone with such little faith and trust in me. I need to go to the studio. I need to work."

I sat at the table a little longer thinking over my actions and the causes that are now occurring. All this is coming back to the decisions I had made in the past. If only I wasn't so selfish. After a quick call to my mum to let her know about everything that went down today excluding the part about our possible demises. I quickly rush to the studio to talk to Martell. We left us in such a shit spot. I walk into the studio so go straight to his recording room. I could hear his beautiful rapping. I wait in the outer room until he finished.

'I could never understand it,
That's why I don't try,
From junior high until we both die,
It's silly hoe why must we try,
Is it really so rough,
That we must always call each other's billy goat's gruff,
Try to pull each other's legs,
Until the other begs,
We're liein' to ourselves,
That's the beauty of it yeah,
Cause we truly love each other,
That's why we always fight,
Every other fuckin' night,
And it's clear it ain't gonna change,
It's pent up rage,
We both have,
We both feel like we've been upstaged by someone else,
We've both been,
Someone else's someone else,
Problem is neither one wants help,
It's an addiction and it can't be fixed,
Our family's mixed up,
There's a baby sister in the mix,
And it hurts cause the pieces to the puzzle don't fit,
And anybody who thinks they know us doesn't know shit,
And they're probably just tired of hearin' it all the time,
On every song, every lyric, and every rhyme,
All the hoopla, all of the whoopdy whoop,
What you put me through, fuckin' whoopdy doo,
But I won't be made a fool of,
If this is true love,
You wouldn't do what,
You did last time,
You wouldn't screw up,
This time,
Cause this time girl,
I'm telling you what,
You do it again I'm fucking this up,
No matter what...
The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's making me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cause you love me, and I love you more.