When I'm Gone

Chapter 11

The next month was a rush to find a routine. We would get up early. Martell would make breakfast whilst I woke Amity. Whilst she got dressed I changed and then took over making breakfast whilst Martell got dressed. I would dish breakfast up and then rush upstairs to wake Hallie. We would then have breakfast as a family and then Martell would leave for the studio and I would take Amity to school. Today was different today Martell didn't go to work instead today we were going for an ultrasound.

Together we dropped Amity at school and then Hallie at daycare. I anxiously finished some of my school work and then we silently drive to the private clinic. The waiting room was clean with old trashy magazines. Martell picked one up but was quick to put it back down when it held an article about him. He muttered about it being fake.

I tapped anxiously on my knee until my name was called. I held his hand tightly as we walked into the cold white room. I laid down on the bed lifting my shit to just below my breasts. The doctor squeezed the gel onto my stomach and then lifted the machine firmly pressing down. She was a lovely lady that embraced us in a comfortable conversation about the pregnancy.

As she moved it around my stomach a frown crossed over her face. I asked, "is everything okay?"

She cleared her throat "I'm sorry but I am unable to see a foetus or locate the heartbeat. I would like to run bloods regardless."

I nodded as she left the room to gather all her required equipment. Tears gathered in my eyes as thoughts raced through my mind but I refused to let them out. The doctor re-entered the room. She sat down on her stool quickly withdrawing her sample before leaving the room again. She returned twenty minutes later. She grabbed my hand, I knew it was bad news "I'm sorry Lilee but you are no longer carrying a living embryo. My tests have indicated they you have had a miscarriage. You have a few options they we will talk about shortly. Would you like a moment."

I nodded my head sitting up. Martell moved to sit next to me. I threw my arms around him and sobbed "this is my fault. I'm a terrible person. I should have never told you I had a miscarriage with Hallie. I caused this...I'm sorry. I killed our baby." I cried soaking his shirt with tears.

He cradled my cheek "it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong baby. You were perfect, it's not your fault."

I continued to cry until nothing came out, the whole time she held me in his arms. The doctor quietly knocked on the door and Martell called for her to come in. She spoke "I'm sorry you are having to go through this but please know you didn't cause this, you aren't alone. There are a few options you have... (I'm skipping this part, I don't want to distress anyone or get anything wrong everything I have written is purely based on research I have done.)

It was a long drive home but it was done so in silence. Martell helped me upstairs and into bed. He then walked down the road to ask my mum to look after the girls. When he returned he got in bed beside me, he handed me a mug full of hot chocolate. He cupped my cheek brushing away the tears. "You heard the doctor, this isn't your fault. We can try again when we are ready but for now, let's..."

I hiccuped "it hurts so much. I didn't plan to have another kid so soon after Hallie but I was ready. I was looking forward to having you by my side. This is killing me, it hurts...everything hurts."

He took the hot mug out of my hands and pulled me into his body. He sat me on my side between his legs. My face was pushed against his chest as he soothingly stroked my hair. "Everything will be okay. We will get past this."

As I let out a shaky breath I glanced up to him, he had tears quietly falling down his cheek. I cuddled his further breaking into another fit of uncontrollable tears.

                             A few Months Later
I sat in mums kitchen at the table watching the girls. Amity was on the couch reading a book whilst Hallie moved around on a bike my parents got her for Christmas. I told mum about the miscarriage when I picked the girls up the following day. Of course, she offered to have them longer but I needed them home with me.

As time went on I found my days easier to get through, it was hard not having those small moments come up. Waiting for my stomach to drop, morning sickness, the appointment to check on it. Martell is still having trouble coming to terms. He has been spending more time in the studio so we barely see him.

Mum was currently talking my ear off about some old hag that had just moved into the neighbourhood. Apparently, she tried to crack on to my dad and she was outraged. I stopped her from her continuing blabbering "I need you to watch the girls for a few hours, please. I need to speak to Martell."

Mum stopped talking "absolutely, go and talk some sense into that silly man."

I drove to the studio and walked straight into his studio. I listened to him record until he got his song verse as the producer wanted it. It was such a heartbreaking song.

Lately, I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump,
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet, and I know some shit's so hard to swallow
But I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you'd have to walk a thousand miles.

I walked up to the glass calling him out with my finger. As he walked out to me I wrapped my arms around his neck quickly kissing him. "I love you, Mathers."

He nodded "I love you, Lil."

I kissed him again "then why are you avoiding me?"