When I'm Gone

Chapter 13

I helped mum tuck the girls I to the spare room I had set up for them when I started to solo parenting thing alone but I hadn't used it much since Martell came back into the picture. I kissed the girls then quietly closed the door behind me as I left. Mum glanced at my phone that had been ringing nonstop for hours.

I didn't want to go home to face the music. Mum handed me the phone looking worn out "you should go and talk to him whilst the girls are sleeping here. They don't need to hear you both fight."

I nodded "okay, mum I will possible back. Go to sleep I still have my spare key if I need it. I love you so much, mum."

I slowly drove a few houses down to the large house I now shared with the man I thought I knew. I quietly opened the door putting my keys on the hook slipping off my shoes. Martell sat at the dining room table with his phone and a glass of whiskey. He glanced at me as I walked in but neither of us spoke at first.

He had a sip of his drink. Tears made there way back down my cheek again. He finally spoke, "I think I make you cry more now than before."

I wiped the tears harshly away "you could change that."

Martell nodded "we have a few things we need to discuss." I nodded my head not trusting my voice to speak "there was a time when I was on tour that I got out of control. I turned to alcohol first and then it was drugs. It's not a proud moment for me or something I like to talk about. I am clean...I was clean. There are a few months there that I blanked out a few times but I don't think I slept with her. Regardless I am flying her here and I should find out soon whether the baby is mine. I don't want to hurt you, baby."

He went to reach for me but I moved away "please don't touch me right now. I can't, we have a family. Me and you but now you might have another family. I feel sick. When did things begin to go so wrong."

He went to grab me again but I moved away "you were ignoring me, we had lost our baby or so I had thought. I needed you then like you needed me this past few months but I was alone. You ignore me, I thought you blamed me for the loss of our baby. I tried to drink away the pain, I tried to numb it. I was dying. My doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants and a hospital but Andre didn't want that to ruin my image. They wanted to put me in rehab but that would destroy me. I had to do that all alone. How many times did I try to reach out to? How many times I picked up the phone just for it the ring out...answer me that."

I cried harder "you sleeping with a random girl is not my fault. You need to hold yourself accountable for your own actions. I made a mistake faking that miscarriage but you also walked away with dirty hands. You left your sister and didn't see her for two years. When was I meant to answer your calls? When I was in labour. How about when I was work, studying of feeding our kids Mathers. Would you have liked me to answer whilst I was on the toilet or crying my self to sleep at night time because I regretted my choice so much I just wanted to be in your arms raising your child? When was the right time? I made pour decisions but at the end of the day, my decisions didn't get a random chick pregnant. Now we both need to get tested. Far out Martell..."

Martell looked at me gobsmacked tears ran down his cheeks. I knew my words had hurt him. "I will sleep on the couch tonight."

I walked upstairs without another word. I changed into one of his old shirts that he wore when we were still in school. Then I climbed into bed cuddling into Martell's pillow. Everything was too much, I did this to him. I never once stopped to think about he would feel about the first miscarriage I had just assumed he would move straight to. That he would be so busy with his new world that he would forget about me. The tears came heavier I nearly missed the sound of him coming into our bedroom for shorts and a blanket. I covered my mouth with my hand but that didn't stop the shake in my shoulders. He quietly made his exit soon later.

When I rolled out of bed the following morning I felt as if I hadn't slept at all. My body was stiff and my eyes were sore. I made coffee and then slowly drank from my tall black cup of goodness. I called mum so I could speak to the girls quickly. Mum demanded they stay with her a few more days until Martell and I had sorted out our little details. Once I was done talking to my family I made a doctors appointment so I could get tested. Regardless of Martell possibly sleeping with her I still needed to check to see if we had passed anything into each other.

Once I finished my cup I put it into the sink and got changed. When k got to the doctors I signed in and then anxiously waited for the doctor to call me in. When she did she was quick to take a sample and then informed me I needed to get in contact with any sexual partners if I were to start displaying any symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases.

I filled out the form giving them permission to five samples over the phone and then headed home to have another fight with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.