When I'm Gone

Chapter 4

As I walked into the lounge room to spend time with Hallie. I found her to be seated on her dads' lap playing with some of her toys. I packed away the floor making room for his mattress. I used the pump to give it life. Martell's attention was caught up in admiring our daughter.

I spoke frightening him "she looks just like you."

He nodded "without my ears,"

I laughed "yeah, I was thankful for that. She gorgeous."

He put her back in the playpen helping me make the bed. Once that was finished I picked her off to place her in her bed to go to sleep. I came back out to Martell to hand him pillows and blankets. As I was about to leave her, he grabbed my hand stopping me. "I won't file for custody or get my lawyers involved. I do want to talk about moving back here and working here to be with them. I'm sorry."

I nodded my head "you don't need to be sorry."

He wrapped his arms around my waist "you aren't the bad person in this situation, I am. I do need to be sorry. I dumped all my responsibilities on you. I could have tried hard to make the thing work. You saved what you could."

I wrapped my arms around his shoulder "can you forgive me for lying to you. I never wanted to lie but I couldn't destroy everything you had worked hard to build. I videoed every moment of their life. There are photos and I even write a note. I know it doesn't make up for you not being there but I wanted you to know everything."

I watched as he became emotional but he didn't cry, the man I once knew he would have but things were different now. Martell was different and so was I. Martell nodded shifting back to shit on the couch. I sat on the lumpy couch beside him "I want to see it all. I want to watch Hallie's first steps, her first word. Please show it all to me."

I wiped my tears that had gathered on my face. I stood from the couch and made the short walk to my bedroom. When I walked back to the lounge room I now carried my laptop. I sat back down on the couch crossing my legs into the couch. My knee touching his. I placed my laptop in my lap facing it towards him. I double clicked on the mouse opening the first video. Hallie was walking. She was shaky on her feet. I kneeled in front of her with my arms open. I called to her 'come to mummy, baby, come to mummy.'  Once she reached me she fell into my lap. I picked her up and swung her around happily.

I turned to Martell "she started crawling at seven months. I was worried something wasn't right. All the other kids at playgroup were crawling around six months but she wasn't and then one day she was. At twelve months she was holding herself up using me or the couch or table. At thirteen months she was walking. It was amazing our little human was getting around by herself then I was following her around making sure she wouldn't hurt herself. So many times I just wanted to wrap her in bubble wrap but my mum told me I was crazy. She is a baby she has to learn."

Martell was deep in thought, a crease marked his forehead. He cleared his throat, his voice full of pained "I'm glad you protected our baby girl."

I nodded "the next video is so cute, you'll love it."

I quickly changed the video to the one below. On the screen popped Hallie, she was much smaller than she was before. She was six and a half months in this video. I had her laid on her back in my lap. She was smiling at me, I had her feet in my hands clapping them together making noises 'daddy'. I could hear my cheers in the video repeating the word. 'Hallie, baby say it again. Say, daddy.' After a while, she said the word and I cried to her 'daddy loves you Hallie, baby.'

That's when the movie finishes and we are left with a black screen. Martell asked "why was dad her first word. You were there not me."

I tearfully laughed "yeah I was there but that doesn't mean I didn't talk about you. Amity would also talk about you. I always told her about her daddy. How wonderful you are. It didn't matter that you weren't there. I played your songs and I played her videos. I talked about you and she has photos in her room of you."

Martell harshly asked, "can you play the next one?"

I nodded furiously clicking on the old key "yeah."

Soon the next video came up on the screen it was Amity and Hallie. They were both in pretty dresses. I was serving the cake in front of Hallie. She was more interested in grabbing handfuls to shove into her awaiting mouth. It was her first birthday. It was a small party. I had invited a few people from the mums' group and my parents. We were singing happy birthday. Amity was smiling happily at Hallie.

Martell whispered more to himself "those two are more like sisters then Aunty and niece."

I nodded "I think of Amity as my own. I haven't seen your mum once Martell. In the three years, I have known you. I have never met her."

Martell snorted "it's not a bad thing. She is better off not in Amity's life or Hallies'."

I got off the couch leaving the laptop on the couch "I will leave this here for you to keep watching. There are hundreds of videos of Hallie and Amity. Christmas, school performances and the girls dancing."

Martell grabbed my hand "see you tomorrow Lilee."

I nodded as I walked back to my bedroom "yeah, see you tomorrow Mathers."