consumed

Mommy

Mommy, I love you!
You're the best
Mommy, who's the lady with the house we always go to?
That must just be your best friend...whatever her name is
Mommy, where were you? Why didn't you tuck me into tonight?
You must have been at work, at least that's what I tell myself
Mommy, why are you crying?
Why is daddy crying?
Why are you so sad?
Mommy, please don't leave me..I'm scared

You may not want me to but I remember so much
I remember you locking yourself in rooms with other people
Just so I wouldn't see
I remember the yelling that echoed through the house and hit my tiny ears like shards of glass
The 12 year old boy who would lock me in a room because he knew I didn't like enclosed spaces
And because you weren't there to stop him
I remember hearing dad yell for you to "pack your shit and leave" as you cried
Crawling into your lap and wrapping my arms around you
Trying to act as a shield from the things I didn't understand

The steel walls you tried to build around my mind would only work for so long
I think you knew that too
So you bid your time until you have to tell me the truth
All of a sudden you hit me with it
And my brain becomes like a connect the dots page in a coloring book
Drawing the lines between 1 and 2
Then two and three
Then the entire world began to fall apart piece by piece
Do you know how hard it was to look you in the face, in a room full of strangers, and tell you that you aren't a good mother?
That I haven't had a real mother since I was five?
That you broke our family into shambles and didn't even care?

But that...that was four years ago
You're better now
And we're all okay
I still don't understand some things
And there are so many holes
So many answers missing
But this comes in due time
Until then
I love you mom
And I am so proud of you