desire ~ lrh

3

"next time you want to go out, keep me in the loop. i'm very lenient with you and never say you can't go somewhere, but i expect you to be responsible enough to stay in contact. this city can be extremely dangerous. a young girl walking around by herself is scary to think about."

i sighed and nodded as my mom lectured me. i understood her point but it still didn't change the fact that i wouldn't go back to change anything. i actually slept with luke hemmings, my idol. he was the boy i was in love with since i was fifteen and all i had ever done was pray for a hug, picture or even a follow on twitter. never did i think that i would be as intimate as two human beings can possibly be with him.

that's what led to me keeping my hand against my neck while she spoke to me so she didn't see the numerous hickeys that littered my skin.

"i'm sorry, mom. i'll let you know next time where i'm gonna be." i promised her, not sure if i was telling the truth. that'd all depend on if luke ever actually reached out. as much as i wanted to go back, i was too scared to text him and have him laugh at me and ignore it.

"alright, thank you." she said finally.

i was able to escape to my room where the couple posters i had up of 5 seconds of summer haunted me. the eyes didn't feel the same as they watched me. whenever i looked at luke's, i felt like he was staring right at me. i could have sworn the poster smirked at me.

i laid down on my twin sized bed and dialed allison's number, listening to my phone ring a couple times before she answered with an aggressive, "finally! i can't believe it took you this long to call me!"

"i'm sorry. i was busy." i responded, uncomfortably shifting so my legs didn't ache.

"well what the hell happened?" she pressured me. i hesitated and contemplated whether or not i should tell her the truth about last night's events. on one hand, she was my best friend and i wanted to tell her everything but on the other hand, luke would probably want me to keep that to myself.

"nothing really." i told her. "luke just told me that i looked like his cousin. he took a picture with me and then that was it but i wasn't allowed to leave because the security said the fans were too crazy outside and then my phone died."

"that's still insane!" she squealed excitedly. "that means luke will definitely remember you!"

"yeah, maybe." i blushed, trailing my finger over the design on my blanket. i asked allison what happened after i left and she told me all about how calum and michael were messing around while ashton told all the fans about how they were writing the album and thought the fans were gonna love it.

"dude, the album is going to be amazing. did luke say anything about it to you?" she inquired.

"not really," i admitted. "i didn't really talk much." i told her which wasn't technically a lie.

"why not? were you nervous?" she wondered.

"you could say that."

allison huffed and told me, "you seem way less excited then you did going into this. did anything happen?"

"no, just family stuff." i lied.

"i'm sorry about your parents. just know that it's really normal nowadays for people to divorce." she explained to me even though i already knew.

"yeah, i know." i said, wanting to end the conversation. i then regretted bringing up my family.

soon enough, i made up an excuse to get off the phone and was left laying down, reminiscing. i thought about the reality of what happened and how luke hemmings really did bring me into his hotel room and he really did make me as sore as he expressed his desire too.

i felt a pit of sadness form in the bottom of heart. the image i had made of luke being a sweet, shy and awkward yet insanely talented and kind boy was shattered. all i saw was the seductive, stoic person he really was. the friendship i assumed was real between him and the other boys was tainted and i wanted to know why. but luke didn't seem to like people prodding.

i wish i told allison so she could help me clear my head, but i also wanted to keep luke and i's intimacy between us. i wanted it to be my dirty little secret. i hoped he would text me and just waited by my phone for hours anxiously.

i wanted to be his dirty little secret.