desire ~ lrh

15

i mentally cursed myself for not getting my clothes the very night i left luke's hotel. i should have done it then, but i chickened out because i wanted to just leave rather than try to collect all my things that were scattered across his room messily as they both waited quietly.

arzaylea didn't utter a single word the entire time i was there and i hoped i remained not knowing what her voice sounded like. there was something so much more intimidating about her in real life. her black hair and matching eyes were daunting and perfect. she was so perfect; a proper instagram model meanwhile i stood next to her: pale from the winter season, messy hair that had too many dead-ends and no curves on my body, unlike her hourglass figure. i hadn't felt insecure, even around luke, until she walked into the room. i couldn't even say for sure if she was mean but i know i didn't like the uneasiness i got from being in the same room as her.

that's why i prayed and prayed that she wouldn't be there when i arrived. i contemplated even texting luke to see if he was alone, but i didn't want him to misinterpret the question especially after i've ignored his messages for a continuous amount of days now. they were nothing special just "can we talk," "your stuff is still here. i'd bring it but i want you to come here," "are you mad at me," "i don't really get why you're upset but can you just tell me," and others similar to them.

as i stood in front of his door, i almost hoped that he wouldn't be here at all. i knew that was a long shot so i just raised my fist and knocked on the door. it felt like hours until he opened the door.

my heart cracked at the sight of him. his blue eyes seemed tired and he seemed defeated. he reminded me of how he looked when i first met him. if you strip back the extreme lust in his eyes, there was just exhaustion with a hint of sadness.

"natalie." he breathed.

"i just needed to get my stuff." i said, looking down and pushing past him. he shut the door behind me as i made my way to my bag which was still exactly where i left it, except all of my clothes were in it and folded nicely.

i was contemplating on thanking him when luke grabbed my waist and pushed me against the wall. but instead of roughly kissing me like i thought he would, he placed his forehead on mine and stared into my eyes.

"where have you been?" he asked me.

"i've just been home." i said stiffly, nervously.

luke gave me a stern look and snapped, "you've ignored every message i sent you. the only reason i didn't drive to your house was because your mum is home."

for some reason, my mind went completely blank. luke looked at me like i was stupid before i said, "sorry."

"sorry?" luke echoed but then his tone softened. "no, i'm sorry for being so wound up but i was so confused. you went from staying with me every night to completely off the grid."

"i know about you and arzaylea." i blurted out, making his eyebrows furrow as he pulled back from me. i took a deep breath and continued, "seeing her here, that was just weird.  i don't want to get involved in whatever that is."

"who told you about arzaylea?" was all he asked.

"it's all over the internet." i lied to him. "not really hard to see."

"i don't want you to leave though." he protested. i tried to pull myself free of his grip but it was harder than i thought.

"why? so i can sleep with you?" i shot back at him. luke let
go of me and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. i stepped back and said, "i'm seventeen. i shouldn't be doing this sort of thing and i always knew that but i liked it too much to stop. i'm more than a vagina, luke. and i'm not going to be a third person in your toxic relationship with her."

"i know you're more than a vagina, natalie." luke hissed. i pursed my lips as he continued, "i didn't mean that that was the only reason i wanted you to stay."

"then what's the other reason?" i questioned. i wanted him so badly to tell me that he wanted to be with me but i knew as long as arzaylea had her claws sunk into him, he would never say the words.

and allison was right, i can't wait for him.

luke's head bowed to the ground. i sniffled and strained, "that's what i thought."

"no, wait—" luke made to grab at me again as i picked up the bag i had here. i yanked myself back so fast that i hit the wall.

"don't touch me." i warned him dangerously. "i'm leaving now. just leave me alone."

i made my way to the door and opened it. i took one step into the hallway before luke called, "did that song mean nothing to you?"

i didn't trust my own voice to tell him that song was, at least so far, only about sex. instead, i finished walking out and shut the door without another word.