desire ~ lrh

16*

ethan sat across from me in the booth with a wide smile on his face. i smiled back at him, admiring his green eyes that contrasted beautifully with his tan skin. he was so handsome and endearing. it made me wonder for a moment why i haven't just leapt back into his arms, but in the next second i am reminded why.

"ready to go?" he asked brightly.

"yeah." i nodded and scooted out. ethan led me out of paula's diner, falling instep with me once we got outside. i stamped my feet to keep warm but it didn't do much. ethan, being the gentleman he was, shrugged off his coat and placed it on my shoulders.

"you need it more than i do." he chuckled. i grinned with chattering teeth and agreed. he didn't hold my hand and i was grateful. i didn't want to lead him on by my inability to say no.

"so how's jack?" i asked, referring to his ten year old brother who is absolutely adorable.

"he's good. annoying as hell, but good." ethan laughed and put his hands in his pockets. "he misses you. so do my parents. mom always asks about you."

"aw, that's sweet." i blushed. "i miss them, too."

"remember when you spent christmas with us? jack was so excited to see you that he started crying when you came late." ethan doubled over in laughter as i groaned.

"don't remind me!" i begged, feeling my heart break all over again at the memory of the wailing little boy. "i felt so bad! i spent the rest of the night with him clinging to me."

"i swore, he was just as in love with you as i am." ethan shook his head with a grin. i felt mine fade a bit at his words and felt guilt resume its place in my heart.

"as i am."

present tense.

was i still in love with ethan? i had no idea. it's not like my feelings faded for him; they only intensified for luke. luke was everything ethan wasn't and that made this so much harder.

we continued on walking without acknowledging what he just said. it was nice to spend time with him again. whether or not we were together, i still cared for ethan and always would no matter what. i didn't want to and i simply couldn't lose him again, friend or boyfriend.

we got to his apartment building and stopped in front of it. i looked at the doors i hadn't been through since we broke up and remembered all the amazing memories we had inside his home. from dinners with his family, to nerf gun wars with jack, to late night movies and to losing our virginities in his room, there so much history in that small building that i would never forget.

"do you want to come up?"

those were the words that led to everything unfolding from there. somehow, we ended up in his bedroom, kissing one another desperately as we undressed. i was grateful no one was home but also, i wished someone was so i would be forced not to do this. then again, the decisions you make when no one is around truly attest to your feelings.

despite how frantic our movements were, none of them compared to how luke and i behaved. ethan was gentle as he kissed me. he laid me on his bed softly and placed feather like kisses down my neck and all around my face. i could feel the love he was trying to express for me perfectly.

i felt horrible, but as ethan's hands ran up and down my body, i couldn't help but think of luke's. the way luke would pin my hands above my head and not allow me to move. the way he would bring my lips to meet his. the way he pressed himself against me.

ethan did the exact opposite. ethan kept his fingers intertwined with mine. he wouldn't kiss me unless i met him halfway, always cautious of whether or not i felt comfortable with him which was a beautiful thing to do. ethan was careful not to crush me with his body weight and kept himself perched on his own arm.

i couldn't even close my eyes while he tried to pleasure me. i felt so unresponsive to him. it wasn't that he was clueless or anything. my body used to react to him amazingly. but that was before i got a taste of what luke was like.

ethan slipped inside of me, making me wince a bit before he moved in and out. i had one hand on his head and the other hand on his shoulder. i tried so, so hard to just focus on him and convince myself that he was the one i wanted. i moaned with him but felt completely empty.

i felt ethan release into his condom but i never hit my high. i avoided his eyes as he laid down next to me, breathing heavily. he moved up and pushed my hair from my face, fingers brushing against my neck before they stopped.

"i still gave you the one mark." he smiled softly. ethan wasn't rough, like i said, so he would give me one hickey maximum. that was unlike luke who would leave me covered with small bruises all over my body and allowed me to do the same to him.

"yeah." i muttered softly.

ethan sighed and asked, "was it not the same for you?"

i looked at him sadly and shook my head. i almost instantly felt my eyes water as i wept out, "i'm so sorry, ethan."

"there's someone else, isn't there?" he mumbled, green eyes focused on the blanket covering his lower half.

i nodded, completely ashamed of myself. ethan stayed silent and sat upright, giving me his back. i sat up as well and kept the thin sheet clutched to my chest.

"i didn't mean for it to happen. i should have told you earlier, but i wasn't sure and i still cared for you—" i tried to explain my reckless actions to him desperately.

"it's okay, natalie." he interrupted me. his eyes were watery but he forced a smile on his face.

"it is?" i frowned.

"of course it is." he reassured me for whatever reason. "how can i be mad at you for falling for someone while we weren't together? i wish you could have told me before, but i'm glad it was because you still cared for me."

he sounded just like allison. both of them wished i just told them earlier instead of holding everything in.

"you're too understanding. i never deserved someone like you." i said, running my fingers through his hair.

"yes, you did, natalie." he laughed gently. "if you don't feel the same way anymore, it's okay. it doesn't mean you're wrong or i'm wrong. it hurts now, but i'll be okay."

my heart ached for the boy in front of me. he deserved nothing less than the most perfect girl in the world who would make him the happiest he could be. unfortunately, that girl wasn't me and i'd be foolish to keep him to myself any longer.

"thank you for being so nice about this." i said to him.

ethan held my hand in his and squeezed it, "i'll always be here for you. i hope we can still be friends."

"definitely." i confirmed.

"if you don't mind me asking, who is the boy? do i know him?" he asked curiously without a hint of jealousy.

"no, you don't know him." i responded.

"well, whoever he is, he's a lucky guy."

"that's just it." i bit my lip nervously. "i don't know if he feels the same way. i thought he didn't and then i thought he might and now i don't know."

i didn't really know why i was explaining this situation to ethan but he listened intently and didn't seem bothered to hear my dilemma. i explained to him about arzaylea and luke, leaving out the names of course, and wanted to know what he thought.

"that's rough." he whistled. "i think you owe it to yourself more than anyone to talk to him. but if you don't think you can, don't rush. take the time to think it over."

"you're right. thank you, ethan."

_
a/n: this smut was so weak but that was on purpose