desire ~ lrh

14

i had no idea that this would hurt so bad. luke asking me to leave for the night so he could be with arzaylea ended up ripping my heart out of my chest. i was already completely invested in luke and wanted more from him, but i didn't think rejection would sting this bad and fuck if it didn't completely destroy me.

i sobbed into my pillow the entire night with my clothes from one bag i managed to get together from luke's hotel room before just leaving the rest behind. i came home and threw them on my floor before collapsing into a crying mess.

being alone was strange now. i was used to spending every night with luke or my mom. she was coming home the next day but during the night where i needed someone, anyone the most, no one was there.

i did know who would be there though had i not pushed them away. that's what drove me to walk outside and trudge down the dark new york city streets, getting my sneakers soaked wet from the snow as mascara ran down my cheeks. i couldn't even keep it together to not cry as i passed random strangers. they all stared at the poor girl with the broken heart.

i knocked on the apartment door and jumped into the embrace of whoever opened it. luckily for me, as i had assumed, it was exactly who i wanted it to be.

"woah, what happened?" allison exclaimed.

"it's l-luke! he sent me away and wanted arzaylea to s-stay instead of me and even though i knew he didn't like me like that, i t-thought we still had a chance when he wrote that song!" i cried, holding onto my best friend for dear life.

"wait, what? i don't understand you." allison shook her head, utterly lost. she brought me inside to her room and let me calm down before i explained everything to her. absolutely everything that happened ever since luke and ashton walked out of their van that first day.

"woah." was all she could say once i finished. "i want to say that you're joking, but i can obviously see you're not."

"i wish i was." i hiccuped. i was sure that i looked like an absolute mess but allison being kind didn't mention it.

"now i understand why you've been so distracted lately. i wish you would have told me sooner." i frowned and began to object but she held up a hand and continued, "but i get why you didn't. i'm not sure if i would have jumped at the opportunity to tell anyone either."

"i'm so sorry, allison. i know i chose him over you too many times but i see that now. i really do." i promised her.

"don't apologize, natalie." she waved me off. "just tell me, what are you going to do now?"

"i have no idea." i groaned, rubbing my temples. "i guess if luke goes back to arzaylea, i'll just have to move on. that doesn't mean i'll go back to ethan. i don't want him to be my booty call."

"i think the real question is: what are you going to do if luke doesn't go back to arzaylea?"

i sat quietly for a couple more moments. i ended up avoiding her gaze and pulling at the loose thread on her blanket until she slapped my hand away before i ripped the cloth.

"i guess i'll see what luke wants to do." i shrugged.

"nuh-uh." allison tutted. she moved to be directly in front of me, placed her hands on my shoulders and said, "i've only just been clued in on what's happening. but what i do know, for sure, is that you are not going to wait for a guy to decide what you are going to do with your life."

i knew she was right. i should make my own decisions and not let people string me along, or string others along. i had been doing that with ethan. that was not fair to him at all and i wanted so badly to do the right thing, but i was scared to get my heart broken in the process.

"allison, do you believe in destiny?" i asked randomly, thinking about to what ethan said to me during the concert.

"yeah, i believe that your choices will lead you to or further from your destiny." she nodded.

"i think so, too." i murmured.

"why?" she pressed.

i sighed, "because some stuff that happens makes me think that one thing is my destiny, but then other stuff that happened makes me think something else is my destiny. do i make any sense at all?"

"you do." my friend acknowledged. "but i wouldn't read too into certain things, if i were you."

"i know. i don't want to mistake signs for coincidences or coincidences for signs." i expressed to her. why did this have to be so damn complicated?

"maybe lay low for a little. luke may not even want a relationship, sorry to say it harshly but it's true. from what you've told me, he likes the single life, or the toxic life. no in between."

the rest of the night was spent talking about everything else in the world besides boys. we stayed up late, ate ice cream, watched comedy movies and did facemasks. it was a proper sleepover, however unexpected it was, and it really helped take my mind off things for even just a little while. i felt so grateful to have allison around because whenever love fails, best friends come through and as i laid besides her, watching her intently stare at the television screen with a black charcoal mask on her face, her in a messy bun while she fed herself strawberry ice cream, i knew she was all i truly needed in this world.