desire ~ lrh

10

"you need to stop giving me hickeys all over my neck. i've had to waste so much makeup trying to cover them up and i don't have to money to buy more."

my tone was stern as i got ready in his bathroom. luke was behind me and gelling his hair while i put more concealer on my neck for hundredth time since i've met him.

"then stop me when i make them." he shrugged. he picked me up and placed me on the counter.

i whined childishly and said, "i have to get ready for school."

luke hushed me and kissed my mouth. as he did so, i wondered how it would feel if he was gentle for once. if he kissed me with love instead of lust. if he kissed me how ethan always did.

"do you want to come to a concert with me tomorrow night? the guys and i have to go to support our friends but i don't feel like hanging out with them." luke offered. i was surprised because most nights when he went out with the band, i was left hidden in the hotel room doing my homework.

"sure." i nodded. luke watched as i hopped down and looked back at the mirror. seeing us standing side by side reminded me of his height and how i was so much shorter than him.

"cool." he commented before leaving the bathroom. i finished getting ready and left, calling out a quick goodbye before leaving the hotel. i hadn't really bumped into the other boys besides seeing them from a distance when i would leave to grab something from the buffet or ask for an extra blanket.

this was one of those times. calum was sitting in the lobby and drinking a cup of coffee while scrolling through his phone. i stared at him for a moment and remember when a few weeks ago, i was begging him to stop for a picture. it was odd to think about now, after everything that's happened.

his brown eyes met mine for a moment before i quickly averted my gaze and walked out the front door with my head ducked down. there were a few girls outside who were clearly waiting for one of the members to walk outside.

"excuse me! have you seen anyone in this picture?" she held up her phone and flashed me a picture of 5 seconds of summer.

i played dumb and clicked my tongue before saying, "uh, nope. don't think so."

"wait, aren't you the fan that luke brought in his hotel?" the other one asked with her head tilted.

"no, that wasn't me." i denied and moved around them. "i'm sorry but i have to go."

i rushed off and went down the block before glancing back the girls. they weren't looking at me so i assumed that they just moved on with their conversation.

+

"this is bullshit."

allison crumpled up her math test and tossed it in her backpack as i also shoved mine aside. i got a fifty-two and had actually studied for it. i hated those people that didn't study and got amazing grades. i literally was dumb as shit and got B's at most in all of my classes.

"literally mr. walsh can screw off. i'm sinking in this class and my others are fine." i groaned and left the room.

"everybody is failing his class." allison told me. i nodded and glanced at my phone for the time. my friend walked alongside me and asked, "you said you're staying with your uncle tony?"

"yeah, why?"

"doesn't ethan live right by there?"

i hesitated for moment and then repeated, "yeah, why?"

"well, maybe this week you can hang out with him. you said you wanted to." she suggested.

"i don't know. i want to see him, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to get back together with him, if that were to be what he had in mind. if not, i'm also not sure if i can handle the rejection." i explained to her. i knew i made no sense and needed to make a decision but i didn't know what to do.

on one hand, getting back with ethan would give me the stability and the love i once had. he was calming, predictable and kinda. but staying with luke, even only as his toy, was dangerous, thrilling and intoxicating. i couldn't get enough of him despite me feeling filthy at times afterwards. i couldn't have them both unfortunately. being with luke and ethan would be unfair to ethan, since i'm pretty sure luke wouldn't care. not pursuing ethan and staying with luke would be stupid and immature but leaving my situations with luke would suck the everything out of me. before him, life was bland and fine. with him, i had fun and now i fear that being with ethan wouldn't satisfy me as it used to.

"what's holding you back so much?" allison pressed. i broke out of my thoughts and groaned.

"i don't know, allie! i'm trying to figure everything out but i don't want to focus on it anymore. whatever happens will happen and whatever won't will not." i quipped shortly, making her raise her hands in surrender.

"sorry for asking my best friend about where head's at considering you've been m.i.a. for weeks now. we never hang out anymore and you're so secretive but you do whatever you want to do. call me when you figure it out."

i felt my heart drop as allison walked away from me and disappeared down the hall. i knew this was my fault and all this was starting to affect me. i hadn't realized what had been going on around me or how i've been coming across because i've been so lost in luke. i never stopped to think that i've been neglecting my friend. i just assumed she'd be fine and wouldn't wonder why all of a sudden we went from hanging out nearly every day to only seeing each other in school. i felt awful and wanted to fix it, but the selfish side of me won, so i turned and walked out the doors of my school to go back to the hotel where luke was.